Not sure I should be out again.

I went last night to check myself into a ward, but the hospital was very busy and I decided to leave after an hour and a half in the waiting room. Probably not the best idea I know, but I fear those places more than I fear prison. I don't know what Australian waqrds are like, but in America I have been hadcuffed to a wheelchair or bed for periods greater than 24 hours more than once, usually without food or water, how can I be confident they are "helping me" when that's the go to? I go in to Save My Life, they go in to Get A Paycheck so there's obviously some disparity. I wish I knew what the hell I need to get better.

On another note, now that I am not homeless for the first three months out of the last five years, I want to open a business. I want a food cart to peddle overpriced food to high-income areas in town so that I can spend three days a week giving away food to the homeless. How can I achieve that goal though? I spend at least one day a week in such miserable depression that I can't convince myself to leave bed, much less do anything that improves my mood, like helping people in need or cooking. It feels like I'm the definition of a Catch 22 situation, I want to help others and helping others makes me feel good, but I also often don't feel good enough that I Can help others and around the circle we go again. I'd be taking out a loan for thousands of dollars but most of that would be going towards my rotating stock of edibles and there's no way I could know before the day that I will be too depressed to work, so I would need to at least double my loan to have an "on-call chef" who would have to be able to drop everything to come into work at random, which is an unrealistic expectation too. I'm lost, I'm so lost I don't know what "found" is.