Honesty

Hi Jake

Ditto from me for anyone who would like to know about Schizoaffective Disorder and Schizophrenia. One thing I would be interested in knowing is how does your PD effect you day to day and how you overcome any difficulties. What are your main symptoms?

Kenny

Hi Kenny,

Thanks for your question, my main symptom is anxiety, I can't control it at all, This affects where I can live and what I can do. I don't like living anywhere where people can see me, it doesn't matter whether they are friendly or not.

Normally I don't have to worry, as I choose to live alone in a fairly isolated rural setting, where I have no neighbours. Even a barking dog can annoy me so much, I feel like doing anything to stop it. Yes I have bad thoughts, but have never acted on them.

If I know someone is watching me, again I will do anything to avoid it. I can't even use public transport, the amount of people in close proximity overwhelms me and my anxiety peaks around 9/10.

I guess the best explanation that I can give you is that my fight or flight response goes off way too soon and the fear (real or imagined) I feel is way out of proportion to the event.

I don't like people just engaging me in idle conversation, it seems to take all my emotional energy to have a conversation - yet oddly enough, if I initiate the conversation, I can talk indefinitely.

Regards, Jake

Hi Jake thanks for letting me a little bit into your world-I really appreciate it. Isolation can be a feature of schizophrenia as well sometimes. If you dont mind me asking, dose your anxiety stop you from being in a relationship or is that not possible.

Kenny

Hi Kenny,

No I don't mind you asking, I have had quite a few relationships, of course not everyone lives together, but I think I am difficult to live with. A lot of things couples are supposed to do together to have 'fun' causes me great distress.

I actually score 100% on the introversion/extroversion continuum (for introversion) on the Myers Briggs Typology Indicator (Google MBTI). To all the psychologists out there saying "no-one can be 100% introverted", I have done the test multiple times and yep - introverted all the way!

I am so scared of people, it takes all my effort to stand in front of a crowd and not go into a major anxiety/panic attack! If say we went out together and I was left alone for any reason, I'd become very distressed, it feels like I am a 'child lost in a crowd of strangers' - it feels like everyone is a potential threat to me.

Bit hard to explain in words, it's more like a feeling of deep insecurity to the point of me feeling like I am actually 'allergic to people' - no doubt a left over 'demon' from living as a child with both parents who had their own MI's before I was institutionalised.

Regards, Jake

Thanks Jake

Boy that's a tough thing to live with. I never really understood how difficult anxiety disorders were in a practical sense although I know all MI has its own difficulties.

Does any therapy or medication help, or do you just try and handle it yourself without medication. I went through a thing where i couldnt be near people for a time but I made a big effort to get out of that and now i speak to anyone so i sort of went the opposite way. Thats schizophrenia I suppose!!!

Anyway you say you initiate conversation. Do you stick around for the response and engage with the discussion, or do you just pose the topic and then dont get involved in the dialogue.

Hi Jake,

I agree about the level of honesty and support that everyone is showing, it is amazing. It is a pretty confronting to be so open about anything, let alone something which carries such huge social stigma.

I will be interested to see what happens when we get an influx of new people onto the forum. It feels to me as if we have formed a wonderful and effective on-line community, and in a few days we are going to be asked to open our arms and hearts to a whole lot more people.

I think there are also probably quite a few people who aren't feeling completely comfortable with the level of openness in sharing yet - and that's ok too (I'm saying this based on the number of "views" compared to the number of replies).

To be honest I think the openness and honesty are in part a reflection of how desperately we need to connect with like-minded people and in part the dearth of such people in our everyday lives. I don't generally share this much with my former partner and he's got PTSD too. We're good friends but I know that sometimes when I'm struggling with something and I tell him it either triggers him or he thinks I'm blaming him (when I'm not). I'm lucky I can talk with my best friend like this, but we both lead fairly full lives (even when I try to fill mine with silence/stillness!) and she runs her own successful business.

Cheers, Kristin

Hi Kenny,

Thanks for your response, by way of explanation, it's not an anxiety disorder per se, but a personality disorder, specifically borderline (the name comes from 'between neurotic and psychotic). One of my symptoms is extreme anxiety to everyday social events, so I struggle with social interaction unless I know the person/s well enough (e.g. I can't/don't answer my telephone or I can't/don't use public transport, my anxiety causes me too much distress).

As we are social animals, I like being around people, but I can take an instant like (or dislike) to someone in the first 10 seconds of meeting them. Intuition is one of my stronger personality traits, so combined with introversion, I run a mile when I sense aggressive people (or should that say "I run a kilometre" Lol!).

There is no real medication for this disorder, but I choose/need to have regular psychotherapy. I'm not just 'being difficult' with the issue of medication, after 10 years of psychotherapy, it is considered that my brain is 'hard wired' to respond to events in a certain way. Desensitization to triggers does not work for me - once I am triggered (by a threat - real or imagined) I just want out of there.

I also have a strong sense of judging moral injustice, I hate it when other people are being mistreated and often get offside with people for expressing my opinion (fancy that - I'm the one that is supposed to be 'difficult' according to my 'label' - so why do others react so much when I express an opinion? (pehaps those without MI labels are more dysfunctional than they would like to imagine). It's like others can verbalise an opinion, but if I express mine, they don't like it!

So yes Kenny, I can engage anyone in a conversation, sometimes to the point of them feeling uncomfortable with my responses. I don't do this on purpose, the way I see the world, if someone makes a comment (an opinion) I have every right to respond (with another opinion) even if they feel 'threatened' by my response.

After all, I am not responsible for how another person feels (I learnt that one in therapy a long time ago) so if another person feels 'threatened' because my response does not fit into their world view or paradigm, that is their problem, not mine. If I went around feeling responsible for how everyone else feels, it would do my head in.

Regards, Jake

Hi Alessandria,

Thanks for your comments, I don't really like being 100% introverted, as I struggle in everyday social settings that (I assume) others take for granted (i.e shopping for food). Another example - I used to play in bands and it took all my inner resolve to get up on stage. I could be wrong, but as the MBTI is on a continuum, I imagine that an extrovert would not struggle to the same degree that say I would.

Sorry if you already know this - in respect of Introversion/Extroversion, my understanding is that the MBTI is on a continuum which is 200 points wide, with 0 (zero) being in the middle. This allows for someone to score anywhere between 100% Introversion and 100% Extroversion. That is to say a score of 0 (zero) would be neither Introverted, nor Extroverted, given the same questions on the test.

In other words, if a person attains a score of 10% for Introversion, this does not mean that they are automatically 90% Extroverted - as the continuum is 200 points wide, not 100 (Intraversion/Extraversion are polar opposites, if I understand the methodology correctly that is)!

Regards, Jake

Sorry Jake

I didn't mean to misunderstand your disorder and misname it. Ive got it now. Yes, I just say what I think, opinion wise as well, and really don't care if it doesn't conform to someone else's views. Although a lot of the time mine may not be as sensible or logical as yours!!!! It looks like you find the psychotherapy of benefit. On the whole though, does the personality disorder allow you to still have an optimistic view of life if you can remove yourself from your triggers. "Allows you" is probably the wrong term. By that I mean are you able to manage it so that you have a good quality of life.