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I worry about my parents and my siblings

NicKContributor30 Oct 2017, 2:57 pm AEDT

I worry about my parents and my siblings

My parents have always argued in front of my older siblings and myself. We grew up having to go to the furthest room in the house and sing songs really loud to drown out their yelling. There is an 8 and 10year gap between myself and my younger siblings. I spent my teens trying to protect them as my older sisters did for me.
I feel as though my own struggles with depression and anxiety stem from my parents unhealthy relationship. Now that I am doing better for myself (counselling and off medication) I worry that my younger siblings may be developing similar issues.
My father works overseas so we only see him for a few days every 2 or 3 months. Similar to other long distance relationship ships , loyalty is questioned. I don't want to believe my father would be unfaithful but the things my mother has said during their arguments don't sound so made up. Today i heard her threaten him over the phone with her own life. I did not react straight away. I'm just keeping an eye on her. I know my father, he is stubborn. I know he would think that she's just saying it for attention but I also know my mother and I know how hurt she is.
I want them to stop arguing, even if it means they seperate/divorce. I want them to see a counsellor but how do I talk to them about it? How do I get them to help themselves?
My little sister has cried to me once before because she's scared my mum will hurt herself.
What do I do? How can I help them?

12 replies

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In response to: I worry about my parents and my siblings

Unknown userMember30 Oct 2017, 7:42 pm AEDT

Re: I worry about my parents and my siblings

Hi @NicK

Your loyalty to your siblings and mother is very admirable. It takes a special type of person to care as you do. Yes, I agree - having lived in a hostile argumentative household when a child - this can definitely does trigger fear/anxiety (not feeling safe) and anxiety disorders/MI can develop as a result. I am so glad you have overcome your mental health issues. Well done.

I think it's wise to keep an eye on your mother - the betrayal and hurt of infidelity can lead some to despair and desperate suicidal actions. Others will leave. Others will put up and stay and argue relentlessly....But it does sound like your parents relationship has been on the rocks for many years....Is it possible that this has been the case (infidelity) for a long time now? This and the long absences of your father could be what is triggering the arguments - your mother feeling wronged and not trusting your father; also feeling the pressure of raising the children alone most of the time. All big stressors and hurts that she isn't coping with. Regardless, even though you could suggest counselling for your mother personally which may help or as a couple, it is up to your parents to do something about the state of their relationship, or whether they consider seeking a divorce or not. Not something others can enforce.

What you can do "to protect you an d your siblings" is to communicative with your parents (if you have not done so already), is to tell both your parents "exactly what their arguing in front of you and your siblings is doing to you all psychologically". The raw truth needs to be voiced as it sounds like it has been going on for far too long. A family discussion on this needs to happen. They need to know the fear, anxiety and damage their yelling and arguing is inflicting on your younger siblings - this may prompt them to act responsibly. To deal with their issues privately (out of ear of the chiLoren). The only concern here being the timing of doing so - if your mother is threatening self harm you may have to do this when she is stronger as it is a discussion that needs to happen asap.

If your pleas and telling them the above falls on deaf ears (they go back to their old ways), is there any chance of you moving out of home and creating an environment where your siblings can get away from it all for awhile to heal? Is there also any option of extended family intervention that can speak up on behalf of you and your younger siblings - someone who could care for them until your parents sort out their issues?

Some options to ponder. I moved out of home as soon as I could when I was 18 and it was wise. My younger brother whom never moved out now suffers from a severe mental illness. It's a difficult situation for you and I feel for you. Hope I have helped a little.

In response to: I worry about my parents and my siblings

Unknown userMember30 Oct 2017, 7:58 pm AEDT

Re: I worry about my parents and my siblings

Hi @NicK

Thank you for sharing your concerns about your parents and siblings. It is very hard to see parents argue. The affects such conflict has on each family member can be both painful to live through and to see unfold. It is understandable that you want them to stop arguing and you feel that seeing a counsellor might be helpful for them.

Perhaps, you may be interested in joining this thread by @outlander, who has some similar experiences to you (e.g., the protection of siblings; difficulty confronting parents), here.

It is great to to hear you are doing better for yourself. I am curious to know how have you managed your own depression and anxiety. What do you do for self-care, despite everything going on at home?

I hope you and your family get the support you need!

Kindest,

Amour_Et_Psyché

In response to: I worry about my parents and my siblings

outlanderSenior Contributor30 Oct 2017, 8:16 pm AEDT

Re: I worry about my parents and my siblings

Sure thing. Ill be back when i can... i still care please know that

In response to: Re: I worry about my parents and my siblings

Unknown userMember30 Oct 2017, 9:44 pm AEDT

Re: I worry about my parents and my siblings

We know you care @outlander!

In response to: I worry about my parents and my siblings

outlanderSenior Contributor30 Oct 2017, 10:02 pm AEDT

Re: I worry about my parents and my siblings

@Former-Member what is your avatar? I can see like an angel figure but not sure what ita doing or the rest of it....

In response to: I worry about my parents and my siblings

NicKContributor31 Oct 2017, 2:36 am AEDT

Re: I worry about my parents and my siblings

@Former-Member My mum seems to be doing better (on the outside atleast). Usually if my parents argue, she takes her frustrations out on us. Just yell and bang plates in the kitchen. My younger siblings and I know to just stay clear. I sent them a text while they were at school today just to warn them to be cautious when they got home. The past few years I would be the emotional punching bag. I would tell my mum to stop taking it out on us, we'd argue and I would always have to move out for a few days, weeks and twice for a few months. It hasn't been that bad the past year. I think it because I've been learning a lot from counselling sessions and how not to react to everything she says when she's upset.
There were times when my dad would fly me out to spend a few weeks with him. I would call him crying and the next day he'd buy my ticket out of here. My siblings haven't got that opportunity I guess to spend time with him. So I feel like I know him the best. He's opened up to me about issues with my mum. I can see how they both continuously hurt each other. He bottles it all up. Consumes himself with work and volunteer projects. Avoids it at all costs really. I have pleaded with him directly to figure something out, even if it means separating. I've told him how it is affecting us and I can see that he does feel guilty but at the same time he blames my mum. He says there's no talking to her properly. They can't be civil. It's too heated.
I've also talked to my mother about her options. She knows it's unhealthy. She says she stays for her kids. My older sister and i have assured her that if she needs a break, maybe spend a few days or weeks with her sisters , that we can look after the house and our younger siblings.
But I think that they're only together to save face. My dad's job is quiet high profile and both he and my mum are well liked and respected. I just hope and pray that my mother's accusations aren't true. I hope that it's just people gossiping and making up rumours.
My parents are the couple that go an help everyone else with their problems. I know this from growing up and my parents would drive out late at night and then a few days later they would sit my older sisters and I down to explain what happened. It would usually be a domestic violence issue. My father having daughter's only always stood very strongly against DV.
Why is that they can help everyone else but they can't help themselves?

I have considered moving out. The past few years I struggled mentally and couldn't find work so my father supported me financially on the condition that I stayed at the family home. I have just recently got a new job so it's something I will be looking into. I just worry that without me at home my younger siblings will suffer. I don't mind being the bad child. I can let my mum yell at me all she wants as long as she's not yelling at my younger siblings. I also worry that there won't be anyone to keep an eye on my mother. I can't ask my younger siblings. No teenager, no child, should have to be on suicide watch. But I guess if i get my own place my siblings have a place to runaway to.

I'm thinking of talking to my older sister about us all sitting down and talking. Maybe with a counsellor present so we have someone neutral and unbiased.

In response to: I worry about my parents and my siblings

NicKContributor31 Oct 2017, 3:00 am AEDT

Re: I worry about my parents and my siblings

@Former-Member I will have a read through the thread now. Thank you 😊

I've learnt to manage Anxiety a bit better thanks to my psychologist. I practise mindfulness. A lot of people I've talked to about it said they don't find it helpful so it's not for everyone but I always get into it. I have a few audio recordings from my psychologist and I also have an app that has both short 1 or 5 minute recordings and some longer ones too.

With depression it has been a long and rough road that I've travelled. I started by letting go of people who brought negative energy into my life and surrounded myself with people who have supported me, stood by me, and encouraged me to keep pushing forward. I also have two best friends and one amazing boyfriend to thank for always being there for me at my lowest and putting all the pieces together again.

I'm finally back on track with life. New job, my own car and today I just got accepted into uni. I want to focus on my own personal growth but I can't help being concerned about my family.

In response to: I worry about my parents and my siblings

outlanderSenior Contributor31 Oct 2017, 7:34 am AEDT

Re: I worry about my parents and my siblings

Hi @NicK

Ive realised Amour_et_psych has linked you right to the start of my thread its like 400 pages long. Im not sure how youll go reading all that so ill try to helps you the best i can without you having to read all that...

Do you have any specific questions that you would like to ask that i can try and help you with?

I can give you a little bit of my background info if that helps

In response to: Re: I worry about my parents and my siblings

Unknown userMember31 Oct 2017, 4:16 pm AEDT

Re: I worry about my parents and my siblings

Hi @NicK

Good to read another post from you. I hope as well that the talk of infidelity are only rumours; but the facts from what you have shared is that "your father is avoiding your mother and family, is running away from your mother". Work commitments are necessary, but volunteer work and other commitments when there is a family at home that needs him?....Something doesn't add up here. It really is leaving her without officially leaving in a sense, and your mother is feeling the abandonment, hurt, frustration, anger and loneliness. I can partly understand her. And you are all suffering as a result.

From what you shared - your dad needs to come home and sort out his marriage and family problems. This isn't fair on any of you. Your mother is not coping and he needs to be there and face his responsibilities. Full stop. Or nothing will change. You could try asking him stressing the seriousness of the situation and your concern for your siblings. I do feel for your mother very much - but she can no longer take it out on or abuse her children for her marriage difficulties. Verbal aggression to the extent where there needs to warnings to "steer clear" or be too afraid to go home is a form of domestic violence (psychological).

It is great that counselling has helped you to not react in anger and infuse the situation for yourself and family. But that does not mean you are not harbouring inward mental scars. Certainly you are worrying for the younger children. And yes, that is a lot for a teenager to be under. For now yours and your siblings welfare comes first. Finding a place where you can all get away and have a place of safety where you can heal and have a taste of harmony and normality, even if for a little while would help you all.

To improve the family relationship is really up to your father to spend time and discuss the situation with his wife. If he is having another relationship it's time to be honest and face the situation in his marriage. But that is up to him, and there is no guarantees your father will do this or change. If things don't change then there needs to be be a plan in place that grants you and your siblings safety from the verbal aggression. This is not about judgement or blame - this is about mental and emotional survival. I had to remove all negative people who were psychologically hurting me adversely in order to survive, heal and grow.

I think your idea was good - discuss all the above with your older sister. If a counsellor or unbiased caring extended family member be present all the better. Change needs to start happening - and you can make this happen over time to protect you and your siblings who "are the most vulnerable". Priority no 1. Your mum and dad are the only ones who can decide to sort out their issues.

@outlander may have some more ideas and advice. Please keep posting and letting us know how you are going. Thinking of you xx

In response to: Re: I worry about my parents and my siblings

Unknown userMember02 Nov 2017, 2:20 pm AEDT

Re: I worry about my parents and my siblings

Hi @outlander! 😄

Sorry I took a while to respond to this!

My avatar is a statue from Italy of Cupid (the Ancient Roman God of Love) and Psyché (an incredibly beautiful mortal woman). My Forum name actually refers to Cupid (Amore - Love) and Psyché (Psyché - which can be translated to mind or soul). These two ideas - Love and Mind - embody my passions.

If you are interested, you can watch this little Youtube clip on the story of Cupid and Psyché - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gjj_-CPxjCM

Kindest Regards,

Amour_Et_Psyché

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