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Disconnection

SkyfreeContributor26 Oct 2017, 11:36 pm AEDT

Disconnection

Hello all,

Does anyone have some advice on how to reconnect with a partner going through an emotional turmoil. We had very good open communication across many platforms and now she is under intense stress and has recently been pre diagnosed with BPD. We have maintained this long distance relationship for half a year regularly seeing each other every coupe of weeks. This week has resulted in what feels to me like disconnection. Like she is blocking me out. It's difficult to know how to engage, after having so much communication and openness daily conversations to almost total disconnection reduced to one line text. I'm concerned for her and also concerned for us. I know I need to give her space with a very busy mind but I would also like to know how she is coping.

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In response to: Disconnection

SkyfreeContributor27 Oct 2017, 5:59 am AEDT

Re: Disconnection

So when i wake up in the morning it rushes back the questions flood your mind.
Was there something I said?
Or didn't say?
Does she feel that I am a trigger for some of her painful emotions?
I would just like to sit down with her and have a coffee like we have in the past, hold each other and talk about life. The future. Looking forward and being here in the now. Knowing that these tough times that present themselves eventually pass. And we can work through them together if we communicate with each other. The only difference is that previously we have maintained communication.

I'm sorry if this a bit of a rant but I feel I need to let out my emotions. If I cannot communicate with her I need to have stable thoughts and clarity for when we do talk. I would like to understand what she is going through. Listen to what she has to say. To be able to express here writing this slows my thoughts and queries.

In response to: Re: Disconnection

Unknown userMember27 Oct 2017, 11:08 am AEDT

Re: Disconnection

Hi @Skyfree,

I am glad you have come and let your thoughts out on the page here - you are right that it can help offer you clarity. Managing relationships in general can be hard, let alone when there is a distance between you.

I am sorry to hear that communication has been difficult since your partner has been navigating a pre diagnosis of BPD. We have a lot of caring members that I am sure will offer support here. Meanwhile you may find it useful to look through a topic tuesday we had not long ago about BPD here.

Keep reaching out,

Lauz

In response to: Re: Disconnection

AppleblossomSenior Contributor27 Oct 2017, 9:08 pm AEDT

Re: Disconnection

You care and that matters @Skyfree

Keep that space inside alive.

All you can do about partner is respect some distancing but also keep options open in that they are managing a major Dx.

In response to: Disconnection

SkyfreeContributor28 Oct 2017, 12:59 am AEDT

Re: Disconnection

Thanks @Former-Member @Appleblossom for your inspiration. It's a matter of Peaks and troughs, today we've had some more communication. Small steps. Small talk. Nothing like the daily phone calls we used to have but it's communication. Positive thoughts. I really empathise for what she is going through but it's difficult coming to grips with no verbal open communication. To have gone so suddenly from constant comms to lockdown still makes my belly clench and short of breath. I feel like I'm not only losing my partner but my best friend.

I have good moments where I think I have my mind under wraps and composure with the situation thinking yes this will work out, just stay positive and accept the situation for what it is. Don't pressure her with any questions as such that could make her have to describe how she feels, or a comment on my feelings for her. I've noticed this seems to trigger silence. Yet basic conversation seems to be genuine. I've almost given up on the idea of a phone call. She will initiate that when she's ready I imagine.

I've reached out to my family as talking it out helps slow my mind, like writing here. I've actually yawned a couple of times which is a sign that I might actually get some decent sleep tonight, unlike the last couple of nights staring at the clock.

In response to: Disconnection

SkyfreeContributor28 Oct 2017, 6:27 am AEDT

Re: Disconnection

There's no escaping your brain huh! Best too write it as it flows.

I miss my friend
I miss my partner
I miss my confidant
I miss my lover
I miss my comic
I miss her communication
I miss her happiness
I miss her smile
I miss her hugs

Is this me being too selfish?

I turned my phone off last night so that I didn't lay here thinking and hoping.

I want to send these thoughts and feelings to her, explaining that what we had we both enjoyed, each other's company, presence, we were both at peace, calm. I would like to get in the car, go to her and talk to her face to face. So that I maybe able to try and understand, she can try and explain to me how she feels, what she's going through, but I fear this would only make matters worse. She's always said she was calm when we are together.

Feels like I'm in the middle of the wash cycle on a washing machine. Can we get to the rinse already. I can't wait for the sun dry where everything is out in the open plain to see.

In response to: Disconnection

SkyfreeContributor28 Oct 2017, 7:49 am AEDT

Re: Disconnection

She is so cold towards me, it hurts.

In response to: Re: Disconnection

Unknown userMember28 Oct 2017, 1:27 pm AEDT

Re: Disconnection

hello @Skyfree

Just passing and read your thread..

your journal of thoughts.....

I felt your loneliness.....this is strongly apart of my own stuff at the moment for different reasons. ...as well as grief through loss of family...who are still alive...just not in my life in person

I have a history of MI for the majority of my life....believed to have started from when I was very young...who knows....was often dismissed back then....brush it under the carpet...good family all will turn out well.....

doesn't work like that....

your partner...friend...lover....is suffering and struggling....attempting to come to terms with everything that is happening to her...being said to her....

she possibly also loves you so much and is very afraid of hurting you......

she possibly doesn't want you to see her...witness her symptoms...hear something in her voice...read something in her words...she is struggling recognising herself....being herself...in shock

there is nothing selfish or wrong or unjustified in her behaviours..

there is nothing selfish or wrong or unjustified in your words....

you are very good at communicating your feelings.....this is going to be of tremendous help for you moving forward in your part of this journey....

venting...journalising...opening up...expressing...many different terms...basically writing about your emotions and feelings in words that you feel best suit....very hard

you have probably also read on this side of the forum about self-care.....having a safety plan for you...

research if you are up to it...there are many different articles all over the website...you can read of other's experiences.....

be very gentle with yourself......you too are struggling with the diagnosis.....yes it has brought change in both of your individual lives and shared life...

change is not a bad thing...even though it can be very painful and confronting for awhile....

when hit with change...we need to go through the shock...emotions...where to next stuff...acknowledge..question ourselves....just let ourselves be for a while....

above all ....even though you miss all of the beautiful things that you have listed below ......your loved one is still there.....she will not be exactly the same.....neither will you..

live in the now as much as you are able.....if you slip....I know only too well ...do not be hard on yourself...congratulate yourself every day for something that you have achieved no matter how minor...

try to avoid your strong needs and desire to be with her.....

allow her to be......let her know you are listening....you still love her....you are there with her every step of the way in spirit....

lastly if you are not yet having any counselling....see your gp..you are grieving...experiencing loss of your former partner...you might be eligible for the medicare mental health plan for counselling therapy...another form of releasing your emotions ...part of your self-care plan....

having counselling can help support you as more changes occur...

you are doing so well with this situation that has been thrust upon you from out of nowhere almost...

you are thinking about how much this is affecting you....at the same time you are respecting your partner at such a traumatic time for both of you....

keep on writing..

there are some incredible stories of courage on the carer side....

In response to: Re: Disconnection

Unknown userMember28 Oct 2017, 1:37 pm AEDT

Re: Disconnection

@Skyfree

so sorry about the length of my reply..

I am renowned for this....

I am a very deep person and my mind flows on and on...

I just wanted to mention one more thing...

when I am hurting the most.....I push people away.....I am irritable....snappy....unable to take on any more..the pile is so so large nothing else can be added...it will just tumble...

I love my husband so much ....yet at the moment I am treating him as above....deplorable....I hate myself for this...I have apologised and let him know that I am going to try so very hard to stop this..

this is not me......this is part of my illness

so it is nothing about you...it is about her

take care and look after your heart

In response to: Disconnection

SkyfreeContributor29 Oct 2017, 12:01 am AEDT

Re: Disconnection

Thanks @Former-Member for the insight. It does help to see also someone else explain from personal experience what's going on.

By the time I had received your message I had already made some communication this morning. A reminder to my partner about the communication we had previously. She opened up a little. This allowed some insight into something that I believed I could make a difference with. Some reassurance that the some of those thoughts that were bothering her she did not need to worry with.

I got in the car. I drove many kms. And I ended up having a very long phone conversation from 20kms away. If I hadn't of driven that distance to show how I felt I don't believe the conversation would have happened. It was difficult to do, knowing the risk that she would probably not want to talk let alone see me. I'm grateful that she accepted the request for a phone call at least. I wanted to be able to understand how she felt. I wanted to hear her voice. The thing with long distance relationship is that you get very attuned to a person's voice and when you spend at least two hrs a day looking at the person you love directly in the eye you get to know very quickly when things are not right.

There's so much too this that cannot be even comprehended in a forum message, and I'm sure everyone here has the same feeling, so much going on how can we possibly explain it.

I had to go with my gut feeling. I do live in the now, always trying to look forward, focusing on the things that matter most to me, valuable relationships. activities that build strength mentally and physically.

I know that my partner is not going to feel better overnight, I know it's not like flicking a switch. None of us would be here talking about this if it were so easy.

I am going to put a but in here. I feel that cutting off the person that is extending their hand to help out, if only with the little things in life, Simple things that may be seriously bugging you because it's not working adding to the compounding pile already in your mind making you feel like "damn! now this isn't working" "what's next?" "can't anything just work for once?"

Step back for a moment ask that person with their hand extended waiting to hold yours. Give them the opportunity to just take the weight for a moment while you are struggling with the rest of your thoughts. Tell them, "I can't deal with this right now, can you help me?" If you have that person there willing to help, let them. You will sigh a little relief when they carry that for you and it will make them feel better too. Because they then know they've made your life a little better. If only for 5 minutes, it might have even generated a smile.

I'm going to give her the space. That doesn't mean I'm going to stop expressing to her what she means to me though. The simple gestures to let her know I'm still here even though she's going through this troublesome time. The good mornings and good night's, the I Love You and occasional one line joke, small distractions.

I hope that we can find a way back to us, for it was only a couple of weeks ago that we were on a road trip looking at the countryside passing by, taking the road less travelled and going out of the way to venture on top of a hill laying down on our backs looking at the clouds absolutely smitten with life and where we were heading.

I'm done for now. I don't know if I have any more to add to this thread. Sharing life and all the experiences good bad and ugly is what it's all about. If you find someone that is willing to take that on life gets easier for both of you. Your own bubble. Live it, enjoy it, treasure it, and try not to let others pop it.

I love my partner, I've never connected with someone like this before. Just be honest with yourself, each other and talk about life, talk about the future, what your going to do next week, next month, next year. Keep it alive. Keep you alive. Live in the now and the future.

Ok I'll stop now. Get some sleep. Goodnight folks.

In response to: Re: Disconnection

Unknown userMember29 Oct 2017, 9:49 pm AEDT

Re: Disconnection

@Skyfree

honesty with each other and ourselves so important in a relationship

anyone struggling with symptoms of a mental illness has to deal with them as well as everyday living...can be trying for those in their lives

wish you well on your journey

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