Tricky Subject to Chat About

I had similar experiences with my son but a few differences have stopped this from being problematic .. he also doesnt over indulge ... as he has found music ... at 16 .. he is 23 now.

He does not have to share his bathroom .. but it did become prolonged and "obvious" if not the cause of arguments. He came across his father masturbating once ... and that distressed him a lot... we were able to discuss it fairly rationally ... I was accepting of it in him and father and generally .. but could empathise ... and it resolved itself .. your son is younger ... good luck getting him involved in more productive feel good activities.

Hi @Janna,

Thanks for starting a discussion about a tricky subject.

Your question about where do you draw the line is a tough question. Having worked as an addictions counsellor for several years it is a question that I encountered often with family members. For many people that line means defining whether someone has a problem or not. While there is no hard and fast rule here, and it rarely black and while, there are a few things to consider:

- Is it affecting his study/work or other commitments and responsibilities?

- Is it impacting on the relationships around him? - Do others see it as a problem? (I think you've answered this alread in your post)

- Is it affecting his health?

- Is it causing any problem with the law?

Basically, these questions are all geared at looking at how much the behaviour is affecting someone's functioning. If you find that one or all of the points are impacted, it might be worth considering if it possible to work with your son to find ways he can minimise these impacts. Would your son be willing to make some changes?

Btw, how are you? I've not 'spoken' with you for some time. The last time we spoke, I think you were heading out for a girl's night. How was it?

Hope you have and continue to have some R&R - carers need it.

CherryBomb

Thanks Cherrybomb for replying to this tricky subject.

I'm going to answer the questions you've posted.

Is it affecting his study/work or other commitments and responsibilities? Yes. Indulging in this behaviour often takes place in the privacy of night and he uses the internet (porn) to assist. This means that his entire sleep/wake cycle is shot to ruins and thereby creates a very unhealthy sleep/wake cycle that see's him unable to wake in the mornings and take frequent naps through the day. It's difficult to pull this apart from the depressive picture but I am certain that it contributes significantly. Additionally, the sleep issue and the length of time he is locked in the bathroom also means that his "timetable" is out of whack and not compatible with other activities of daily living in a timely way.

Is it impacting on the relationships around him? - Do others see it as a problem? (I think you've answered this alread in your post) - Yes already answered. We've all learnt to ignore it as best we can because the stress wasn't worth it.

Is it affecting his health? Had to laugh a little with this one. I don't think there has ever been any clinical evidence to suggest that excessive masturbation is harmful to one's health. From a mental health perspective however I would say yes due to the impact on sleep and distractions away from other healthier lifestyle choices.

Is it causing any problem with the law? Not yet thankfully 🙂

I was speaking with my psychologist regarding this and she said that it is definitely a self-soothing behaviour designed to distract away from and minimize negative emotions. She also added that in the scheme of coping strategies that people resort to this is still one of the better - better than self-harming, drugs, drinking, etc. On that score I fully agree. Doesn't mean that this is a great coping mechanism, but a hell of a lot better than some others. With that in mind I feel lucky that it's just this and not something far worse.

And yes I did get away for that weekend and had a fab time doing nothing other than wining, dining and shopping. Felt great and revived me.

Janna ❤️

Hi @Janna

Glad to hear that you had some YOU time. I hope that you can make a thing of it, and schedule in some self-care time.

Thanks for answering my question on the tricky subject

You raised a good point that I'd forgotten about, looking at the reasons your son engages in this behaviour - it's a self-soothing mechanism.

Taking that point on board, and what you've written in your last post. Is it possible to discuss your concerns with your son? For instance, you could raise your concerns about his sleep cycle and health being interuppted and ask if there is a way that he can minimise this impact?

It's great that you are able to have an open and frank discussion about this subject. I could never ever imagine having a chat about masturbation with my folks when I was a teenager! You sound like a very understanding parent. It's really amazing. Does your son see it as a self-soothing coping mechanism? I mean, does he give you a reason for doing it, other than he thinks it's normal and fine?

I think by opening up this conversation with him - the reason why he thinks does it (e.g., self-soothing, boredom, excitement) - you might by able to discuss other ways he can attend to these reasons.

CherryBomb

It is the first time I have "discussed" it.

Its probably better to go straight the issue if he can cope withe dicussion.

Apparently many behavioural motivations boil down to self-soothe, boredom and/or excitement.

Good on you @Janna for bringing up the subject. I agree that masturbation is a normal part of healthy sexuality, but also that it can become a problem. I overindulged myself from an early age to soothe anxiety. It did lead to difficulties in relationships, especially marriage. It does sound to me as though it is becoming a problem for your son. I hope he is learning some tools to help overcome his anxiety/depression