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Postnatal Overwhelm

RubyfContributor24 Oct 2017, 2:28 am AEDT

Postnatal Overwhelm

I've tried to call lifeline but typing is just as easy I suppose.

I feel personally responsible every time our son cries and it cuts me to my core when I can't soothe him. Then my partner wakes up and gets angry with the whole situation and then I start to panic and now, it's 2 hours after I just needed to go to the bathroom, when I disturbed my sleeping child. He's been back asleep for a hour now, and I just managed to sneak back out. I hate myself so much that I can't get back to sleep. I just lay there thinking awful thoughts about myself that I can't turn off. My partner sometimes sends me to another space and tells me to sort myself out, but it makes me feel isolated and worse because I can't sort myself and the more I try, the more I fail and the worse I feel.

I feel like I'm missing all the fun stuff about him getting older and hitting milestones because all my happiness seems to disappear after ten minutes of inconsolable screaming, usually in my face or ear, and I can't get the happy back. I just hate myself for not having more patience or knowing better what to do. My partner is unwell, and can't always help me when I'm feeling like this, mostly he's pretty supportive, and he says he understands. I don't think he does and I don't know how to explain myself.
I try so hard I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep and I'm breastfeeding and this horrible thing happens when my milk let's down and I thought it would go away but it hasn't stopped. I get this flood of either anxiety or anger for a few minutes and if the day is going ok I can usually get a handle on it, but if I can't the rest of the day is ruined.
I feel like I have no control of my life at all. I don't even get to choose what groceries to buy because it's easier if I just wait in the car with the baby so I'm ready to be the milk machine if he screams. He's always screaming in my face, but the second he's happy there's always someone else who wants to catch his smiles and giggles and give him a cuddle while he's calm. I don't even get to choose to spend happy times with him because once he's fed and burped and calm I'm exhausted and need to give him to someone else.

To make a call I need to sit outside, which is why this forum is probably easier. I mean I still need to sit outside but at least the neighbours can't hear the anxiety as I type. We use my phone for internet, turn on the hotspot and leave it sitting on the window ledge inside the lounge room. It means that I'm not even getting to take photos of my baby to remind me of the happy times, of his beautiful gummy smile and chubby cheeks.
I don't know what to do, ever. I'm so hopeless and overwhelmed. I'm sorry this is all over the shop, I just needed to get it out.

6 replies

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In response to: Postnatal Overwhelm

marchhareSenior Contributor24 Oct 2017, 2:59 am AEDT

Re: Postnatal Overwhelm

Hi Rubyf, it sounds as if you are feeling that these post natal emotions are really hurting you and you may feel a bit guilty about now fully enjoying the milestones in your young sons life. I am glad you have got things out this morning by contacting the forums.this morning. You sound exhausted and that is completely understandable. Keep in touch, take care, and I am sure forum members will offer their support and empathy

In response to: Postnatal Overwhelm

RubyfContributor24 Oct 2017, 8:25 am AEDT

Re: Postnatal Overwhelm

Thanks marchhare.
Guilt is massive for me. It's a really huge deal because I blame myself for every little bad thing that happens, and don't pat myself on the back for the good stuff, because there is always something I mess up. Like, the feed just now, I couldn't even make eye contact with my beautiful baby because I sometimes pretend I'm just a wet nurse helping out.
But I'm not feeling guilty for enjoying my baby, because I'm not having a great time, really, and I can't actually recall any happy times with him and me. It's nice that he sits with my partner and has a coo and smile, but if I hold him he just screams and screams. I can't make anyone happy because I'm so miserable all the time.

The whole time I've been awake I've been thinking awful thoughts and the only thing that held me back is the flights I booked for next month are non-refundable and my partner can't afford to waste the money.

I just feel like a total waste of space.

In response to: Re: Postnatal Overwhelm

Unknown userMember24 Oct 2017, 9:46 pm AEDT

Re: Postnatal Overwhelm

Hi @Rubyf - i can relate and remember so well when my daughter was unsettled and upset that i would be telling myself over and over in my head that i was no good, getting it all wrong that i didnt know what i was doing etc. There were nights when she would only sleep if i was holding her and moving. My ex didnt help with her at all, he was frustrated and angry that i 'pandered' to her crying as a less than 6 month old infant.
Im wondering if you have access to a child and youth centre or midwives/lactation consultant that you could talk to for advice on how things are feeling and going? I did see a lactation consultant for a while wiht my daughter because she was feeding every hour! (turned out she had coeliac disease and other intolerances and was getting a sore tummy through my milk). I also phoned the parent line direct a couple of times who were helpful (though they just told me to take her to the dr for check up! but also offered other advice).
The exhaustion can really affect us too, so finding any way possible to get some extra minutes of rest and sleep is important if you can...
Keep talking here too if it helps, so many mums have gone through this and felt in similar ways, you're definitely not alone.
Take care of you 🙂

In response to: Postnatal Overwhelm

Phoenix_RisingSenior Contributor29 Oct 2017, 9:38 pm AEDT

Re: Postnatal Overwhelm

Hi @Rubyf,

It is nice to "meet" you here in Forum Land. I can hear how super tough things are for you right now. I don't have children so I don't feel I have any great words of wisdom for you. However, I know @CheerBear can probably relate to your situation. Oh and @Faith-and-Hope will probably have some words of wisdom too. I super hope you can feel supported here in Forum Land @Rubyf.

In response to: Re: Postnatal Overwhelm

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor29 Oct 2017, 11:01 pm AEDT

Re: Postnatal Overwhelm

Hi @Rubyf ..... the Like I gave your post is “I hear you” .....

While I didn’t suffer post natal depression as such, my first child was very collicky (I had never heard of it ..... he just screamed and screamed most of the day) and he had bad reflux (so he was chucking whenever he wasn’t asleep or screaming). I had a less-than-helpful MIL telling me everything “I was doing wrong” until she tried her hand with him, and then it was “he’s a really naughty baby” .... :face_with_rolling_eyes:

Even though he is an adult now, I can still remember those feelings of overwhelm and inadequacy. Some of it is just being a Mum for the first time .... not having done anything like this before .... and babies don’t come with instruction manuals specific to their personality types either .....

Have you heard of these people ?

https://www.panda.org.au

Maybe contact them for some support too. Sometimes there are physical reasons we feel so low too, particularly after the birth of a baby, like being a bit deficient in certain vitamins ..... but PANDA counsellors will know better what to check for, or what to boost your mood with.

Hang in there .... it changes, and they grow up ......

💐🌷 F&H

In response to: Postnatal Overwhelm

girl99Senior Contributor30 Oct 2017, 2:08 pm AEDT

Re: Postnatal Overwhelm

@Rubyf

Having kids is really hard. As a mother myself, I can honestly say I wouldn't do it again if I was offered a million dollars. You are not alone. But they DO grow up and it does get a bit easier as they start talking and communicating. With young babies, so much of it is guess work trying to figure out their needs (are they hot, cold, hungry, wet, tired etc). I feel the guilt too that you talk about. I feel terribly guilty about bringing kids into this horrible world and it's hard to get over that. When they suffer or are unhappy it is my fault for them being here. It's a horrible weight and burden to carry.

Maybe you can try to find the good things and maybe write milestones in a book - they have some nice baby books out there. Things like first smile, first step, first word. That might help you see your child is progressing and therefore you must be doing something right!

Hugs to you as I do understand what you are feeling.

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