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A Poem: On living with bi-polar affective disorder

MoonGalSenior Contributor24 Sept 2015, 9:41 am AEST

A Poem: On living with bi-polar affective disorder

Lunar Cycle. Lunatic.

Rapid cycling.
A tidal phenomenon.
A physiological imperative.
Broken bio-chemistry.
Might as well be pulled by the moon.
Lunar cycle. Lunatic.

Here it comes, that tide of despair,
pulled to my shore,
the waves, pounding.
Worthless. Hopeless.
Nothing. Nothing to live for.

Love does not ameliorate.
Just sit through it.
Try not to act.
Don't act on the impulse that says.
"Die".

No thought preceded it.
Nothing can be done.

The tide is a natural phenomenon.
A moon's pull on the ocean of hopelessness.

Then, on the wane, again.
Irritated at the sound of the bird's singing.
Or, grimacing at the comment of love expressed
by one who does, love me.
As the tide turns,
the wet sand, the underbelly of the ocean exposed
~ one's nerves scream ~
Leave me alone. Alone. Alone.

I am so, Alone.
My ship rocks on the
waves of despair once more.
A ghost ship.
Alone on an ocean swelling.
Buffetted about.
Sails tattered.
The perfect storm.

Then,
Relief and optimism stand on the shore.
Beckoning,
Come home, come home...
They call me in.
Safety in this cove.

Oh, a cove of relief.
I can be calm and centred.
For a while. Whole,
Loving the bird's song.
Being. Loving. Breathing.

The tide is a natural phenomenon.
A moon's pull on the ocean of hope.

There is so little free will in the
tyranny of physiological changes.

Lunar Cycles. Tide turns. Energy leaps.
Oh! how shiny and wonderful this idea.
Better than any idea before.
Must act on this. NOW.
I can save the world.
If only they would listen,
Listen! Hark, the Herald Angel sings.
I Am the Herald Angel.
Listen! Be the change.
Save The planet, she needs us now.
Whatever, the message is today.
Do it! For the Love of love.
Harken to me, because I know.
I have two-sights seeing.
Lunacy, but truth nonetheless.

Focused and furious to get 'it' done.
No sleep, keep working.
Sell the idea, swell the movement.
Done well, high functioning.
Successful, for a little while.

Oh, no...
I can feel the drag of the tide at my heels
already, sucking at my success.

Then, on the wane, again.
Irritated at even the sound of the bird's singing.
Rapid cycling. Pain roars.
A tidal phenomenon.
A physiological imperative.

Broken bio-chemistry.
Might as well be pulled by the moon.
Lunar cycle. Lunatic.
_________________________

~ By Moon Gal ~ Living with Bi Polar ~

Image attribution: bonbaden [dot] info

75 replies

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In response to: A Poem: On living with bi-polar affective disorder

AlienBP2Senior Contributor06 Nov 2015, 7:33 am AEDT

Re: A Poem: On living with bi-polar affective disorder

You maybe able to get a crowed funding support on the net in return for your story to crowd finders ....worth a try

In response to: A Poem: On living with bi-polar affective disorder

MoonGalSenior Contributor27 Nov 2015, 11:37 am AEDT

Re: A Poem: On living with bi-polar affective disorder

A Good Day.

Looking through the shadows

locked in to all the names

they gave me

and those I call myself as well.

Diagnosis a warning label

so others know to avoid

me. Too much, too often.

Runaway.

I sigh randomly

because every thought-flutter

through my mind

is like ashes falling

from the fire

that has been my life.

Alone in an aloneness

only those who

live with a disordered

mind can know.

Putting aside self-pity

and desparation,

I smile and chat

and ask about people's day.

They are relieved at how normal I am.

When really i want to say...

Did you ever consider

that everything we think we know

might be wrong?

And...

Did you ever wonder if

we all dropped the pretence

and really got to know

one another

the world might come to Peace?

But, I look like someone's aging aunt

and smile and let that sparkle my eyes

and say, hope you are having a good day.

Good Day.

Good Days are made

by minding our manners. (Apparently).

Good Days come and go.

Mostly go.

So here I sit

stewing and fermenting

in the juices of sadness,

soreness.

Brewing trouble.

My own, mostly.

Until I can pour it down the sink.

Seeking serenity

and say - I am having a good day.

Good Day.

My day is as good as I can make it.

Some days that is as good as it gets.

___________________
MoonGal (c) 27 Nov 15

In response to: Re: A Poem: On living with bi-polar affective disorder

JacquesSenior Contributor27 Nov 2015, 11:46 am AEDT

Re: A Poem: On living with bi-polar affective disorder

Thankyou @MoonGal, it is so true, it describes my life perfectly. it is good to know i am not alone with this.

Jacques

In response to: Re: A Poem: On living with bi-polar affective disorder

AppleblossomSenior Contributor27 Nov 2015, 3:07 pm AEDT

Re: A Poem: On living with bi-polar affective disorder

Do we really think that if we dropped all pretence the world might come to peace

Thanks for that @MoonGal

I too often adopt the polite chit chat mode ... but am weary of being solicitous of people's colds... though sometimes that has its role.

In response to: Re: A Poem: On living with bi-polar affective disorder

MoonGalSenior Contributor27 Nov 2015, 8:08 pm AEDT

Re: A Poem: On living with bi-polar affective disorder

@Appleblossom - I used to be incredibly arrogant towards others, in my shuffle to keep myself 'safe' I adopted a "don't suffer fools gladly" type of attitude. That sure doesn't win friends or influence people, or get me liked that's for sure. These days I try to be kind, I still do polite chit chat because it makes others feel comfortable. If someone has a cold and it is the end of the world for them, well, I empathise nowadays, because people are mostly fragile and worried about themselves and the world.

Sometimes, particulalry in my advocacy work I will be challenging (with love and understanding) because I have a deep conviction (as part of my values-base) that not stretching ourselves to do better, to learn from our mistakes, to just to stay all comfy and cossetted can lead to a diminished life and Earth.

I said "Did you ever wonder if we all dropped the pretence and really got to know one another the world might come to Peace?"

This is different to what you quoted and not what I said, "Do we really think that if we dropped all pretence the world might come to peace". But I am glad it resonated somehow for you.

In response to: Re: A Poem: On living with bi-polar affective disorder

AppleblossomSenior Contributor27 Nov 2015, 9:53 pm AEDT

Re: A Poem: On living with bi-polar affective disorder

Yes it resonated @MoonGal ... sorry I muffed it, I paraphrased, cos I have a headache and am in pain. I always use quotes when I intend to quote.

Yes people are fragile .. and as a singer ... colds and bugs really do effect the instrument ... I learned that quite young ... 6 ... many people take decades to learn it .. or never manage that kind of understanding.

I find Aussies pretty xenophobic really ... social integration without a father is tough in such a paranoid society ... but I am open to learning and learning to stand my ground.

A lady once tried to start a "friendship" with the words "as you well know" ... most aggressively ... in many ways she means well ... but ... physically I find being in close quarters with that kind of manner ... a violation of my boundaries and in choirs there is often close proximity.

What any one individual well knows ... is far too different for that to ever be a satisfactory opener ... so we have what she calls "the good fight" when we meet ... a form of individuation in my book.

I have been wounded by the wont suffer fools manner ... too many times for me now to settle quietly ...it almost caused me to be racist against my own country, yet post-colonial Australia is a young civilsation ... we all have to learn.

What kind of advocacy work do you do ... are you associated with an organisation?

In response to: Re: A Poem: On living with bi-polar affective disorder

MoonGalSenior Contributor28 Nov 2015, 3:43 pm AEDT

Re: A Poem: On living with bi-polar affective disorder

@Appleblossom, "my advocacy work" needs to stay that broad in description or becomes identifying. I find the Aussies I hang out with accepting, inclusive and celebrating of diversity. I am lucky in my friendships and social circle that way. This reminds me of my take on the cries of "its only common sense". I reckon there is no such thing as common sense cross culturally - we all have different cultural 'sense', been taught different ways of seeing and being in the world. Anyways, glad some of what I wrote resonated for you. I have long left the old tough gal exterior behind, willing to be open and wounded and let my wounds show now too, everyone struggles.

In response to: Re: A Poem: On living with bi-polar affective disorder

AppleblossomSenior Contributor28 Nov 2015, 4:00 pm AEDT

Re: A Poem: On living with bi-polar affective disorder

I needed to have a similar "common sense" discussion a few times too. It is not innate ... it is cultural. Where there is cultural diversity as we truly have ... we need to walk more carefully. It is great for variety and interest . but just be more aware and not to jump to conclusions.

I do have one very Aussie friend from childhood ... but not much of a social circle yet ... though have often tried cery hard to settle conflicts with others and help people with diverse attitudes get along ... I am not taking it too personally any more ....I still try to fit in

but not compromising my true self while doing that.

In response to: A Poem: On living with bi-polar affective disorder

RainbowAuntieNew Contributor29 July 2016, 9:49 pm AEST

Re: A Poem: On living with bi-polar affective disorder

Wow that was so moving, I felt each part of that. I had a physical reaction as my heart raced and I read faster. I feel exactly the same way and it's tiring hey. I want to learn how to drop an anchor in the Hark moments ✌🏼 Peace ❣ Love

In response to: Re: A Poem: On living with bi-polar affective disorder

MoonGalSenior Contributor27 June 2017, 12:32 pm AEST

Re: A Poem: On living with bi-polar affective disorder

@RainbowAuntie - thank you for your words of encouragement. Have you found a way to drop the anchor in the Hark Moments? I have, some days I can do that. I love your name here, I m having a rainbow enthusiasm at the moment. I bought rainbow fingerless mittens, a rainbow knitted hat. I bought a new large cut crystal and it shines and shines across the room sending moments of now, remember the now.

Hope you are well.

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