Night Shift

Hi everyone

I am not travelling so well atm

I've just let my emotions come and go today

I feel pretty rotten still and I just feel really bad

My exercise psychologist called this afternoon because he was worried but I did cancel my appointments on Monday. I guess it was nice that he was worried but I don't want neccessary to tell him what was wrong.

I did go local wildlife park today, finished my homework, self care activity (massage, new clothes), and did some washing.

I did cry this afternoon because I feel so alone but I feel more so I have no one to open up to or anyone I trust.

I will be back in a little while.

Hi @Former-Member

Thank you for your message........

For me the tears were good, but generally I can't cry because I don't feel safe to cry, and therefore I have learnt to bottle up my emotions.

My main thing is exercise for my sleep so that I can feel tired and hopefully sleep. I think the reason I don't sleep is because I feel so unsafe and I don't know why. Perhaps because I don't feel like I fit in and therefore I don't feel safe.I also have quite a difficult family and on the weekend I went up to see my nieces and their partners and children. I did see my nieces new baby which was a huge trigger for me, I really shouldn't have gone. I have so many issues piling up on top of one another.

I felt emotional today because I cancelled my exercise sessions (exercise physiologist) I think I cancelled two appointments and I just left a message on the answering machine, then I got a message from admin to ask me to phone back which made me feel anxious because it felt confrontial. I felt like I have done my responsibility for canceling my appointment, and this morning I got a message from my EP asking if I was okay and I was sick etc?. And all this as been playing on my mind most of the day and plus other things playing on my mind, I started to get emotional. The reason being I wish my Pop was still alive because he was so kind and loving towards me and that I miss him so much.

I came home and just tried to keep busy and I did a few things at home (washing & weeding garden) and then I messaged him back, I think only because I felt so bad and he messaged me and he said he would phone me after 6pm- he did phone me. He reinterated that he was worried about me, I don't know why- he does not know a lot about me and he basically just wanted to know I was okay and I told I was okay. I didn't feel okay but what is he going to do and by this point I felt overwhelmed and he wanted to know if he would see me next week and I said yes.

Even when I see my specialist I can't open up to her because I find it too diffcult and most of the time I struggle to find the words to express myself and then I feel really dumb. I am going to try to get some sleep soon though.

I am sort of scared to open up to her, okay, I am really scared to open up to her lol. I have try not to minimize my emotions so much.

I also go completely blank when I am in seeing her and I think that is just my defense mechanism and because I don't feel safe.

I don't do a lot of mindfulness, and even now I can't remember how to do the mindfulness- I really need to do this again because I did this when my depression was quite bad- I need to do a refresher. I try to just focus on doing basic stuff and to quiet my mind (normalize my feelings, breathing, detact from my thoughts). @Former-Member