bereavement or post traumatic stress disorder

Hi @not_fair

It's only 6 months since your mother died and you were her carer and now all of that's gone

Yes - there is something happening apart from your grief - which is enough on it's own

It's called The Empty Arms - and happens when a person who has taken a lot of time, energy - and most of all love - for a long time before they died

I'm so sorry your Mum died with such a painful cancer - that is really hard - my son died to suicide and I had those same feelings - I know how lost, alone and painful all of this no matter what you had before that is on-going - your husband and kids and your work - great boss etc - all of that is something you feel as if you are failing with atm and there is a good reason

You have lost a part of yourself that was very important - not only that - you shared with your mother and now she is not there anymore

When my son died I felt as if I had to go on as normal but someone who knew about grief told me something I can share with you

If you had a heart attack or lost a leg or some other physical trauma you would be laid up for however long - you would not be getting along with the other things in your life as if nothing had happened - when we lose a loved one esp after so much trauma then we are incapacitated and it is possibly even more devastating than physical events when someone we love died -

Someone else here as suggested that you see a psychologist for grief counselling - I had this after my mother died - what you have now is complicated grief - grief itself is hard enough but complicated - far more so

Interesting how all your rellies came out of the woodwork when your mother died - now they have gone - yes - I know about that one - really had to take - so you have some rellie-grief as well - where is your original family when you need them the most?

All the best @not_fair - you are right - it is not fair but alas - that's what it is

You know - my mother died getting on for three years ago now - I was not close to her and did not see her for years - her choice not mine. I did not feel well yesterday and dozed off a couple of times and dreamed about her which I just don't do

So yes - having your mother die is among the major losses - and now - I wish you the best and assure you that this is normal and really rotten

Sending my best thoughts

Dec

Hi @not_fair,

I think I can understand your feelings... I think you feel very alone because there was no-one there for you while you were your Mum's carer and now you have no-one who can understand what that was like for you. It's like a very, very intense experience happened and now there's ... nothing. Your relatives are not there for you and they act as though life simply goes on... it feels very alienating.

You might like to see a psychologist/counsellor just to have some time and space to be yourself and really talk about how you feel.

My Mum died 2 years ago and in that time I've had no-one who I could share my grief with... my brother and sister act like her passing was 'no big deal' and my Dad is consumed by his own greif, but will never talk about it.

My firends have not lost parents of their own... except for one friend, who was quite good to me, at the time.

I can see that it would be really hard for you to slip back into an 'ordinary' existence, after something so life-changing as the death of a parent. Yet, people seem to expect you to do this.

I coped by crying (in private) every day for about 3 weeks... I just let myself be sad during those times. The sadness took its course, in a way. After 3 weeks, I only got teary a few times a week. Then it became only once a week, and so on. On the few occasions I tried to talk about my Mum to my sister- I was left feeling very unsatisfied, and very alone and disillusioned. My sister didn't get it.... she is a very emotionally repressed woman!

None-the-less, I can now face the future with more positive feelings.... because I just allowed myself some time. I still think about Mum a lot, but it isn't really painful anymore.

@not_fair, please feel free to write about all your feelings... I think it will help.

And please don't hate yourself for feeling sad.... sadness is a natural part of life.

Thank you all so much. It sounds like you all know how I feel which is weird because I feel nobody else does. The problem with my "grief" is that I have been looking after and burying family members since I was 25. There was my Dad who I loved with all my heart but he was an alcoholic so he wasn't really there. He was diagnosed with lung cancer when I was 25. I ran Mum and him around to radiation, hospitals and all that stuff. He died when I was 28; he was 57. I remember sitting on the couch after he died and everyone was telling me to hurry up and pick a coffin. I was the main person who buried my Dad because at the same time as he was dying, my little brother developed psychosis. My little brother and I had 20 months difference. He was my best friend and was the only person in the world who knew me and what it was like to be raised by parents too busy for anything. Mum was focused on him so I felt I needed to focus on Dad. I buried him with all the traditions followed (greek orthodox) up to the 40 day thing. Then, I started to get help for my brother. He was in denial and blamed himself for Dads death. The psychosis led him to beleive it was his fault. Very hard to watch. My brother ultimatly commited suicide 3 years after Dad died. Those 3 years we saw psyciatirists, hospitals, doctires and he was even admitted into a youth mental hospital. Together with my Mum, we had to fly to Byron to identify his body. He was 28. Anyway, thats heaps for now. So sorry if I've upset anyone.

I work part time (Mon - Wed) with the same organisation for the last 25 years. Mon and Wed I am allowed to work from home but I have to drive into the city on Tuesday. I now have to get up and get the boys ready for school.

I hope you all have a sadness free day (of part of it). I'm throwing myself into work to I'll be ok till clock off.

Thanks again for letting me share

I have a grief counsellor that I was assigned when Mum joined the palliative circle in 2014. I rely on her a lot as I feel she is the only person who's seen me go thru everything live. But it's only recently that I've thought that perhaps staying in the palliative circle is what's keeping me stuck. I voiced my concerns and have an appointment to see her this Thursday.

Before Mum was diagnosed my husband and I started to build a new home for our beautiful kids on a peaceful 5 acre block in the country(ish). We moved out of our home close to Mum but I was driving up and down sometimes twice a day - it's a 45 minute drive. I'm still in boxes even now! Anyway while we were undergoing her last attempt at quality of life through a trail at Epworth in Richmond we moved our beautiful pure breed British Staffy dogs from the suburbs to the house that we were now living at.

To summarise another traumatic time in my life, my boy got out and scratched a cat. He was locked up for almost 3 months while I fought in court to get him out. I had never been through the legal system before so the threat of having a conviction hanging over my head was crushing. Anyway, we finally got our baby back however he shortly developed brain cancer and we had to put him down at 13 years of age. That was March. Mum died in April. Now our beautiful girl has developed an aggressive terminal breast cancer. She's 12. I have booked her in to be put down at 4 pm today. We put her through the chemo round for a week and a half now but we’ve seen no improvements and the vets at the hospital have advised they can do no more. She can't get her back legs up so she sits around but is still so happy. She's has that huge Staffy smile. Anyway, I'm working in the CBD today and my boys are in afterschool care. My hubby is not getting home till very late tonight due to work. So my options were; 1) put her down tonite on my own while my boys are in afterschool care or 2) schedule to put her down tomorrow when my husband can be with me (but tomorrow is my birthday). Or 3) put her down on Thursday but that’s too cruel to leave her going so long, no matter how wide her smile is. So, I just wanted to let you know that on top of everything else I have to put my beautiful Summer down at 4pm today, on my own...... I'm becoming numb to this shit. It’s safe to say that I will definitely be having some wine with dinner tonight. I want to break down but I have to stay strong for Summer and my boys. Perhaps I can break down when the boys go to bed tonight.

Hi @CheerBear, @utopia, @Former-Member, @Owlunar & @Sahara. I didn't know that I had to put a symbol infront of a name to include everone in a conversation. I just thought I was writing to anyone who wanted to read. Anyway, there were very mixed emotions when I put Summer down yesterday. Mostly I felt happy that she was finally in peace and out of pain. I wish we could do that for humans. Anyway, I've been mostly tipsy since then because I don't want to feel any pain. I feel like I have a huge bubble over my head that says, "traumatised" and I can't quite live with it. I need to learn how to live and accept all the crap I've been through (and there's been alot). But thanks for letting me speak, type? vent. Thank you.