****** not sure where to post this..hoping it doesn't trigger anyone******

Hi @NatalieS,

I cannot say what I need to say tonight and will comment properly tomorrow but wanted to leave you a message tonight.

You are not alone. I have started a thread under something's not right called CSA & Guilt. Some of my story is written there if you want to have a look.

I have PTSD from CSA so understand.

I will come back tomorrow and write a longer comment, but just wanted to let you know, you are not alone.

thanks for your replies @Kurra and @Former-Member

I'm grateful for the support from such caring and compassionate people like yourselves in forum land who are all dealing with your own issues yet continue to connect with others. This is the only safe spot for me at the moment where I can talk and vent about alot of stuff which noone else knows about or might have an inkling of understanding about. Sometimes when I phone the counselling line I think what I want to talk about is not rational, but it is to me...if that makes sense. And that scares me and I hang up.

A bit teary this morning but have just taken my little dog for a walk. It's only 5.50 am here and we had a 50 minute walk. As we walked down the main road heading for home-and as I looked over towards the hills-the lights in the distance twinkled like fairy lights on a Christmas tree. It's the little things like that that make me smile. I had a soak in the bath last night before heading to bed. I realised how knotted up I'd been before that.

Take care.

Hi @NatalieS,

First of all well done for having the courage to say something. It is hard to do. I went through some traumas in my workplace in June. Since that I have had flashbacks and nightmares from 2 separate CSA incidents from my childhood. I understand how you feel and I hope that on this forum you get the support you deserve. There are lots on here that have gone through CSA, so you will never be alone.

I never told anyone about my CSA (well I had supressed it for years) until a short time ago. The only people who know are my psychologist and my husband (he only found out last week).

Plenty a times I have hung up on those counselling lines. Have you tried 1800Respect or The Blue Knot Foundation? Those two are better and are specalise in CSA.

I am sorry about your husband. I can understand that you want to support him but I think you need to make sure that you are supported too. How often do you see your psychologist?

I completly get the shame and guilt associated with CSA. I still have a lot of blame associated with it and still think that I did something wrong to deserve this. It is something I struggle with on a daily basis.

Start showing yourslef some self care. Can you do something for yourself each day. it might be only sittin down with a tea for 10 minutes, but just something for yourself.

I havent got all the answers for you sorry. I think it is something we manage every day. Do those feelings of shame and guilt go away? I do not know, I hope so.

As I said before, I talk alot about sha,e and guilt in my thread CSA & Guil. Others have commented also, you may find some answers there.

I am not sure how helpful I have been, I don't really feel like I have answered you questions. BUT, i do want you to know that your are not alone in your feelings and I understand how hard it is to live with them and the shame and guilt that is associated with CSA.

I am happy to speak to you if you need to just unload or you need that extra support. I do think you will find that support you need here.

Nell

Hi @Former-Member

Thanks for your response. There aren't any answers with this, are there...it's the support I get from people such as yourself and others on this forum...the ones who have lived with this ....who I value the most.

I see my counsellor every fortnight,or every week when I need to, as she keeps my regular weekly appointment time for me..just in case. She has been so supportive since I first started working with her in January and I don't feel dumb talking to her about different things. She always has my safety in mind and has learnt how to relate to me...slowly, gently, no sudden movements, lots of toys, a safe environment. A couple of weeks ago she texted and phoned my home and work numbers asking if I was alright...I had completely forgotten about daylight savings! I was on the way to my appointment anyway so had a quick check and was able to reschedule for that afternoon. She's great.

.....continued from last post @Former-Member

Anyway, I think the last couple of weeks or months I've completely forgotten about my own self-care with all this other stuff going on. I think today I just want to have another walk, this time to the shopping centre, where I can have a coffee and do a bit of window shopping. Got plenty of washing and folding to do here but that may wait until tomorrow. I just want a few days of me time.

That's another thing I think that is associated with guilt and shame...always looking after other people and letting our own needs fall by the wayside. I think for me that's true.

Have a great day.

@NatalieS Hi, I've just read your thread and wanted to offer a bit of support. I too come from a CSA background and struggle with all the things you mentioned. Though I have no answers I'd just like to let you know I'm listening and walking much the same journey. As @Former-Member mentiond, small self care goes along way, so do the small steps. They accumulate and looking back,,you can see achievments made. ❣

Morning @Maggie @Former-Member @Kurra

thanks for the responses. Yes, I agree, there are no answers for this....as with alot of stuff going on, I so value trusted people who just listen....I don't expect anyone to have the answers to the universe, but it sure does help to have a safe place where I can vent and talk about stuff with caring people.

Thanks heaps for listening.

Sorry @NatalieS been out most of the day

I don't think any of us have they answers. Some days I think I am getting better, and then some days I feel like I have hit rock bottom. We just have to take one day at a time. Even though I still have a lot of guilt, shame and embarassment from my CSA's, the one thing I have learnt is I am not alone. I have people here who understand what I feel and what I go through. I don't think I will ever tell anyone exaclty what happened, that will stay in my head, but I do feel comfortable talking on here about me thhoughts and feelings associated with CSA and how is effects me daily.

I hope that here is that safe place where you feel you can vent