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Denial

CazzieSenior Contributor08 Aug 2014, 12:58 pm AEST

Denial

How do you cope with being a carer for someone who doesn't believe they need a carer?

My husband has PTSD along with assorted physical repairs and conditions. I've been his full-time carer for 7 years. He has the short term memory span of a goldfish and a marginally longer concentration span. I make up his medications into boxes that store up to two weeks at a time - morning, lunch, evening and bed time. I do this because he takes so many different medications for his differing conditions that he can't remember what he has to take or when. If one of us goes away for a night or two he remembers to take his medications. When we're both at home he frequently forgets, even after I've reminded him.

I call reminding him to take his medications caring for him. He calls it nagging. I've dealt with his PTSD alone for 12 years. I've put up with his verbal abuse due to his over-use of alcohol and because, frankly, he's got PTSD. In the past, if I've brought some "bad behaviour" to his attention (when he's sober and could be dispassionate about it) he's apologised and promised to try not to do it again - and he really made an effort not to be that way again.

He's just coming to the end of a three week, inpatient treatment for his PTSD which has included group courses in identifying PTSD symptoms and learning coping mechanisms. I was ecstatic when he said he wanted to go into this clinic, believing that he would come out better than he went in; that he would have his first psychiatric review in 8 years, have his medications reviewed, and come out with some good coping strategies in place.

But since the change in medications he now snaps at me over small things and he tells me, after he's snapped at me over something, "I've realised it's not me, it's the PTSD". So now, instead of blaming alcohol for his bad behaviour he's able to blame his condition. We leave to go home in five days. I'm terrified of what his behaviours will be like when we get home if he's being so dismissive of them before he leaves the controlled environment of the clinic.

Am I wrong in thinking if this is all he's learned in 3 weeks it seems to me that it's been an enormous waste of time and money.

22 replies

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In response to: Denial

CherryBombSenior Contributor08 Aug 2014, 10:24 pm AEST

Re: Denial

Hi Cazzie,

It can be upsetting and frustrating when someone does not take responsibility for their behaviour. It can leave carers feeling like the are left to pick up the pieces. I think part of what you are describing may be because he may not be ready to make changes right now. That is, to accept that he has an illness and commit to making changes. Quite often, before someone decides to change their are phases that can be people can through before they commit to making change. The stages of change describes some these behaviours in each stage that you might find useful. I'm interested in whether any of these sound familar to you?

I think it's great that you came on here looking for suggestions on how to cope. Talking to others is a great start. There's also a service called ARAFMI that speficially provide support to carers of people affected by mental illness.

I'm interested if anyone else has any advice for Cazzie?

CherryBomb

In response to: Re: Denial

PeppiPattySenior Contributor10 Aug 2014, 2:20 am AEST

Re: Denial

Dear Cazzie,

I felt like smiling with what you write....I can so identify with most things that your experiencing, from being a carer.

No one knows how feral, how difficult it is for you. But on this forum, I feel is very supportive and you can feel heard. Another place I certainly have felt changes in myself is at ARafmi.

You write that you feel it's good that your husband is taking a step to take care of himself by going to a centre.(I write this in my words) . How can you take care of yourself? My boyfriend purchases me beads to make necklaces. I like reading, I spend a lot of time alone but I force myself to have coffees with my darling neighbours. And not talk about caring. I focus on keeping up a dialogue about a book or an issue on the news.

When you say your husband thinks your nagging.... Have you thought of just not saying anything but going for a walk around the block? Then if he asks, could you just say......' We need to talk about this later........

I'm a great believer in timetables. You can find some really good ones on pininterest.com. Then you can fill everything out for the day, hour by hour. Then stick it on the fridge. Would this be something you would do?

Back to you both talking about him accusing your nagging. You could say... Okay....'......., (name of husband) . So I don't feel your taking advantage of my good nature and you don't feel nagged..... Can we try this ? You just need to come to the fridge to see what to do?

Will this work? Is it too harsh?

I get SILver Chain in to assist me in keeping on top of my artwork, yes one lady who sees me sews with me ! I talk to her about things I'm finding difficult and she works very hard at finding solutions. Then once per week, one lady comes in and we clean the home. The service is very cheap. But couldn't do without it.

Do you know that saying one step forward two small steps back....tonight I heard from my oldest son in Brisbane. He won't take his medication. He won't visit his GP. He just stays at home getting scared. But a small step. He texted me and thinking positively about me visiting again. What small forward step happened for you this week?

Hope this helps Cazzie, your doing good.

In response to: Re: Denial

CazzieSenior Contributor11 Aug 2014, 7:40 pm AEST

Re: Denial

I'm more than a little bit scattered tonight but I couldn't wait longer to respond. Thank you for your input and support. I'm not sure how we'll go when we get home but I guess I'll just continue what I've been doing in the past - take it one day at a time and take my cues from my husband.

It's been an interesting three weeks. I'm really pleased that he's made a major effort, not only to learn about his illness, but to take an interest in exercise - yoga and walking. On the upside, I'll be able to speak with his psychiatrist prior to his release from the clinic and I'm busily trying to remember all the questions I've had so I can have them written down for when I see him tomorrow.

I've been given some counselling options for when I get back home and I'm going to make sure I take advantage of them. Also, I'm going to get back into my quilt shed and try to motivate myself into finishing several quilts that have been languishing on shelves and in boxes waiting for me to "find the time" to get back to them.

As I've tried to explain to him, it might be his illness but it's our problem.

In response to: Re: Denial

PeppiPattySenior Contributor12 Aug 2014, 1:40 am AEST

Re: Denial

Dear Cazzie,

I'm interested in reading if you have time to look at the quilts? It's a real achievement to get something finished.

Please stay in touch and write how you are. I personally found the group circles for therapy at Arafmi are spot on good.

In response to: Re: Denial

HobbitSenior Contributor14 Aug 2014, 5:57 pm AEST

Re: Denial

Hi Cazzie,

Loved reading your posts, and I'm with justanother47yo - would love to hear how you are going.

In response to: Re: Denial

CazzieSenior Contributor15 Aug 2014, 11:20 am AEST

Re: Denial

Thank you for your concern. We are home at last. It's been a long few weeks. I guess the real test will come now that we're home and my DH (dear husband) is out of the controlled environment he's been in for the past 21 days.

I'm trying to follow on with some coping mechanisms that were started while he was in the clinic; such as setting small achievable goals each morning then we can go over them at dinner time - examine what did or didn't get done and see if we can find ways to make things happen. We'll see how it works out. It's a small routine that he got into and I'm hopeful we can continue with it.

So far he's continued with his exercise routine of going for a long walk (a couple of kilometres each morning) and I'm hopeful he'll continue with that as well. He seems determined to stay away from alcohol for the time being. It's been recommended that certain liver function tests be conducted and he wants to have them done before he touches grog again. I've got my fingers crossed that he'll be able to stand in the face of temptation but I'm not going to bet the farm on it. It may not sound like it but I'm really trying to stay positive here.

In the meantime I have to set the caravan and the house to rights and get myself back up in my quilt shed so I can try to get myself "back to normal".

I also need to contact the counselling options that Beyond Blue told me about in our home town so that I've got someone I can go to in case of a meltdown.

In response to: Re: Denial

NikNikSenior Contributor15 Aug 2014, 5:13 pm AEST

Re: Denial

Hi Cazzie,

Sounds like you're doing a fantastic job working with your DH & also looking after yourself.
So happy to hear that things are moving forward.
NikNik

In response to: Denial

Used2BeSenior Contributor17 Aug 2014, 6:25 pm AEST

Re: Denial

Hi Cazzie. I am a wife of someone with PTSD too. I have also been told at times that I nagged too much (or that I was too controlling) but for a long time he simply wasnt able to cope with day to day life, and i had too. the difficult part was when he finally was sufficiently self-managing, but i found it hard to let go and trust him enough to take care of himself. I felt really bad when i realised that he was able to cope and that my continued help wasnt helping! I felt like i had failed some how. it took me a while to readjust my caring to a new level, but at least now i have confidence that in many areas he is coping. there are still some things i do have to be the nag about, but not too many. it took a long while for him to learn to self manage, but he is. i can also understand the change in behaviour during the change in meds. that was quite possibly the hardest time ever. it coincided with a major meltdown and it was like living with a zombie crossed with the occasional duracell bunny, and he'd go from being a depressed body on a couch to cutting down a massive ficus with a handsaw. it was very difficult. but ever since the change in meds took full effect, and they worked out the best dosage and timing, it has been so much better. i am so glad that the inpatient program has helped start your dh on an improved path. look after yourself. i am hoping to go to my first arafmi group meeting this month.

In response to: Re: Denial

HobbitSenior Contributor21 Aug 2014, 7:36 pm AEST

Re: Denial

Hi Cazzie,

Just thought I'd send a quick note to see how you're doing

In response to: Re: Denial

CazzieSenior Contributor21 Aug 2014, 11:15 pm AEST

Re: Denial

Sorry, been off the grid for a few days. Not doing too well at the moment. Coming home has brought on some issues I don’t think my husband realised he was going to have.

He spent three weeks in a strictly controlled environment - a very short time by most people’s standards - but it became a cocoon for him and now he’s out of it it seems like he’s not quite sure what to do. It makes him alternately depressed and frustrated. As well as that his new medication is still taking time to kick in (apparently that could take another month, which doesn’t impress me overly much) and I think the side-effects from the loss of the former medication are being felt.

I have suggested that he go back to the behaviours that he was used to in the clinic - setting at least one goal for the day each morning and discussing whether or not he managed to achieve his goal or goals at the end of the or on the following morning. So far he doesn’t seem to be setting any goals - or if he is, he’s not telling me about them. He is, however, telling me that he’s not managing to achieve any.

He’s still not drinking alcohol and while this is good for his health I think it may be starting to play on his mind. I never broach the subject of alcohol with him. There is alcohol in the house and if he wants to drink it it’s his call. I was specifically told not to try and stop him from drinking, that it was up to him. The thing is, he keeps on raising the subject and keeps saying things like that “when I make up my mind to stop I just stops, cut it dead. No worries!” He’s so adamant about it. Trouble is, it’s true as far as it goes. He gives it up until someone says “oh c’mon mate, one won’t hurt”. So far he’s doing well and, to my knowledge, no-one has offered him a beer. But it just seems to me like a case of “methinks he doth protest too much”.

On top of all that I’ve been struck down by a virulent stomach bug which has kept me in bed for two days, meaning that the cared for has had to become the carer and while he’s usually good at it, this time he just doesn’t seem to know what to do.

Due to my illness I was unable to keep my first appointment with my new counsellor. I will be contacting her tomorrow to make a new appointment. In the meantime I’m taking my husband to see his psychologist on Monday so hopefully he’ll be able to explain some of the difficulties that he’s been going through and help him cope with them.

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