Asking & Telling

Hi Jake

Yes, you make sense. Again, I'm sorry for your experiences.

I am an 'invisible person'. I was never allowed to have a voice of my own for many years. It was quite strange when I found my voice, and even stranger when people listened and thought I had something interesting to say! But, I do know when to shut up!!

It is said to be a life-long journey to 'know thyself' so how others can profess such an ability on your behalf is a rare ability.

I do have a crystal ball - do you have any requests ... lol

Take care,

Amber

Hi Jake

are you saying this within the context of mental illness or life generally?

I do find that some of my friends seem to know whats best to for me to deal with my MI without actually knowing anything about it. So I do get given orders on how to make me "well".

From my point of view I think childhood abuse has defined me to a certain extent, for better or for worse. I am not quite sure what I think about it now. I dont think that I have really verbalised it, not even to myself and I havent discussed it with anyone other than in passing.

It has made me violently opposed to being controlled. So I get what you say about disempowering your choices and removing your right to say no, which is really what childhood abuse is all about. I think most people project their weaknesses as well as other things onto others as some sort of salve for their own shortcomings in some instances. I try to take an independant view and try and do what is right for me and bugger what anyone else I know thinks.

Hi Jake

I like your weird choice of profile pic. It'sa fun blend of THINGS!

As a survivor myself on so many levels I simply would like to say that I would ask rather than tell.

I wasn't expecting to see this point of choice raised.

Thank you

Harry

Hi Kenny66,

Life generally - but the people in my life who I have 'come out' to (friends) still tell me what (they think) I need, without actually asking me. This disempowers me.

For example, I suffer from extreme anxiety when the phone rings. 90% of the time it is someone wanting something from me, dynamically speaking, this is their need, not mine. I can only just function at the level of meeting my own needs, let alone anyone else's needs. This includes fortnightly appointments with my psychotherapist and as I'm not on any medication (my choice) and I have a limited ability to meet other people's needs (friends or not).

The only way I can function at a reduced anxiety level is to unplug the phone from the socket, as when it rings, my anxiety jumps from 3/10 to 8/10. This has caused inconvenience for some of my 'friends' as I don't (read can't) meet their needs in real time. I am happy to (and do) meet their needs though when I am able.

Hence my preferred method of communication is via email rather than telephone, as I can respond when I am able to and not necessarily in real time. This is done purely to alleviate my anxiety, not to spite my friends. Yet the other day I was told (yes told) that I should answer the phone whenever this person rings (whenever this person has a need) which overrules my need for peace and quiet.

Regards, Jake

Thanks for sharing, Jake! Freedom and autonomy are so precious: we are defined by the choices we make, if we're not empowered to make choices then who are we?

Meaning, beauty, friendship, enjoyment, life, goodwill and compassion, positive thinking and acting : these are the things I choose!

Hi Jake,

You make lots of sense. I really relate to what you are saying; and why it is so excruciating when some tells you what to do rather than asks what you want, or hesitantly offering a suggestion. The first seems to come out of a space of (perhaps unconscious) judgement and superiority, whereas the latter is from a place of respect and compassion.

I think autonomy is important to most people, but for those of us who are survivors of abuse it is an acutely sensitive button which switches to red alert (for good reason) fairly easily. I really love the way you manage to find some humour in the whole thing, mostly I just see red when people who supposedly care about me do this stuff! (And then give them a piece of my mind!)

Thanks for the article link, it's a good one. I think it could also be entitled repspect 101.

Best regards,

Kristin

Hi Kristin,

Thanks for your kind comments, I really have to watch my sense of humour, so I apologise in advance if I have offended anyone, it was/is never intentional. I think life is too serious and a little humour goes a long way.

Regards, Jake

p.s. if I ever unintentionally offend you (or anyone else here) please forgive me, it is my sense of humour that helps me cope with the stresses of life.