gautamaCasual Contributor
Stranger in a strange world.
I have a long Psychiatric history which began in 1972. I guess like many others I have amassed an array of diagnosis's and have paced the corridors of many inpatient Psychiatric units. My childhood was one of constant moving as my father died when I was one yo and my mother was compelled to seek work whereever she could. Some of those moves involved religious institutions where, to put it mildly, some of the priests were overly friendly. Such experiences impact people in different ways when time extricates them from their prediciment - For me that meant that any form of intimacy was impossible and so, to this day, I have never had a sexual encounter or been on a first date. I loathe having to shake someones hand and will never accept a hug. Even to see simulated sex in movies that I see seems to me to be an act of rape - Intimacy equates to an act of violation and when I see it in movies I feel compelled to look away. Such aversion has its counterpart in social situations and in forming friendships. I have never had a friend and my primary and only real contact with the outside world is in the form of appointments with mental health workers: Psychiatrists: case managers and so on. I remain suspicious of other peoples motives and ask myself 'What do they want of me?' In many ways I am still a child and am reexperiencing a helplesness which was imposed upon me in those grotesque fumblings and cruel, lustful eyes that are as vivid to me today as they were in the genesis of my earliest memories. I must stop now.
