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New here

WildflowersContributor27 Sept 2017, 11:28 pm AEST

New here

Hi everyone, I am new here...was here before some time ago but now back again. I came back cause I am having a hard time controlling my impulse to self-harm. I see my therapist on Friday and I know it's going to be a difficult session. I've been seeing him for six months and I haven't shown much in the way of emotions. I suppress everything and I dissociate enough that I split off into parts...not personalities exactly...hard to describe. Thing is, one of these parts has become destructive enough that it's getting a bit dangerous. I am still in control for the worst of it but I don't stop all of it. To be honest, I am so tired of fighting that sometimes I just want to give in and let the violence happen. The split off part calls me horrible names and I guess I deserve some of it. I have put on weight and I should be doing things better. Anyway, the therapist wants to deal with this on Friday. I'm frightened. My family knows nothing of this and I am high functioning. If I lose control and he ends up hospitalizing me cause I hurt myself in front of him, I don't know what I will do. I can't go to hospital...my family can't know, they need me. There's no middle, I'm either alive and functioning or I am not alive. I have to hold it together but holding it together is what is hurting me. There's nothing anyone can do, I just needed to say it cause no one knows...I am invisible.

8 replies

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In response to: New here

Unknown userMember27 Sept 2017, 11:43 pm AEST

Re: New here

Hi @Wildflowers

Extending to you a very warm welcome to Sane 😊. I feel you find this a safe and supportive community where you can talk freely. And others will mjump on board soon to also offer their support.

What mainly stands out in your post is your tendency to suppress everything, your feelings, worries, moods and troubles etc. Not expressing our pain will usually lead to SH. It is good you are seeing your therapist on Friday but is there any one in the meantime that you can talk to about how you are feeling and what may be triggering it?

I know you may not want to trouble anyone but you will find talking about it may be a great help toward releasing pent up tension and distress decreasing your chances of violently self destructing - and may also lead eventually to talking out ways of dealing with your triggers.

So do please reach out to someone in your family, or a trust friend and/or lifeline and similar if you believe it's leading to a dangerous place. Please let us know how you get on. Sending a big warm 🤗 x

In response to: New here

WildflowersContributor27 Sept 2017, 11:51 pm AEST

Re: New here

Thanks. No, there isn't anyone I can talk to. I also can't talk about it cause it triggers that part. If it does get bad, I will call Lifeline. Hopefully they have counsellors who won't freak out when I describe the situation. There's a women's centre not far from me also. Hopefully things will be dealt with on Friday and the situation will calm down.

In response to: Re: New here

Unknown userMember28 Sept 2017, 12:48 am AEST

Re: New here

Hi @Wildflowers

Good to read that you will ring lifeline if it gets bad. Please do keep yourself safe. Good also to know there are other resources available to you such as the women's shelter where you would feel safer. I am sure things will be dealt with on Friday and that you will find some reprieve from your pain. Please let us know how you get on. Hugs x

In response to: New here

MaryMahemSenior Contributor29 Sept 2017, 8:46 pm AEST

Re: New here

Hi - your post really describes how I feel. Keeping things secret and bottling it all up till it starts seeping out in dangerous ways. I don't tell my Psych for fear of being put into hospital, but he can't really help me if I don't tell him. I see mine tomorrow and am wrestling with how much to tell him.

How did you go today? I hope you were able to share some of fears with them and are feeling better tonight.

In response to: New here

utopiaSenior Contributor29 Sept 2017, 8:54 pm AEST

Re: New here

@Wildflowers. How did your appointment go today? Were you able to express with him your feelings and thoughts - as well as you told us here? What is his plan of action?

In response to: New here

WildflowersContributor29 Sept 2017, 9:12 pm AEST

Re: New here

I got back from therapy sore and exhausted. I don't know about you guys but going to therapy is like going to the gym. My muscles are really sore. We talked about what is going on. From best we can tell, I am frustrated with myself for not living up to my potential, but at the same time I am overly critical. He said that I blame myself for everything that has happened to me in my life eventhough none of the things I have told him were my fault. I can't express or feel my emotions so they become split off and dangerous. The defensive mechanisms that kept me safe in the past are no longer necessary but that they are hardwired...we have to undo them. Apparently, I'm not crazy though, people talk to themselves and find creative ways to deal with their traumas. Feel better now. Just tired and sleepy.

In response to: New here

WildflowersContributor29 Sept 2017, 11:16 pm AEST

Re: New here

I forgot the most important part...thanks for keeping me company. 💓💓💓

In response to: New here

utopiaSenior Contributor30 Sept 2017, 2:00 am AEST

Re: New here

@Wildflowers. No you're not crazy. Neither am I.I just hhappen to have a MI. When we go through traumas - it's to be expected.
No problem keeping you company.
But I didn't see your post til just now. If you put an @ symbol in front of the persons name - just like I've done with you @Wildflowers - then I get notified via email that there is a message for me. Don't worry. As it takes time to learn these things.
I normally come home from a session with my psychologist or psychiatrist and I am exhausted. Just the other day I slept for more than 10 hours after seeing my psychiatrist.

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