The Misconceptions and Ill-Advice We Get

I have just recently been subject to a barrage of advice from individuals who clearly do not understand depression. Depression as I have come to know varies and exists on a spectrum. There are many different types of depression, however, those that have not intimately experienced a severe clinical depression, exhibit a glib and superficial understanding of it, and often can offer words of support/advice which could potetentially make the situation worse.

My son suffers from clinical depression which over the past 12 months has wavered between severe and severe/moderate in intensity. This presents itself as a young person who does not want to engage in life, who can barely wake up each day (let alone get up), who at times is so frustrated and angry that he becomes hostile, aggressive and very oppositional, who has thought of ending his lfe and who fundametally is very difficult to manage.

It's natural for people like myself to seek support from people that are "close". However, I have found that their advice often displays a complete lack of understanding about the nature of clinical depression and is exactly what one shouldn't do.

The average person relates "depression" to the situational depression that they have experienced in their life. How many times have I heard, "I know what you're talking about. I've been there when xx happened, etc".

I'm sorry, but what my son is experiencing is very different to their experience. This is not a situational depression that remits or decreases according to the external environment. This is a different type of depression and one which is much more severe and harder to treat.

So what I find happens is that they give advice based on their own experience and in keeping with their own ideology about how to handle and raise a teenager. They pummel me with advice, which tends to assert that I'm weak and being taken for a ride by a manipulative teenager. The advice they give is often the hard line approach: take his priveleges away; make him do this and that; don't let him get one over you; he needs to learn what life is all about; send him to my place and I'll sort him out; you need to take away xx and xx and make his life so miserable that he will want to get out; he's manipulating you; take his computer away; get him to do some work and earn his keep; make him do this and that, and on and on it goes. In response to his sucidal ideations and threats I've received comments that suggest that this is the ultimate manipulation; that if he was really suicidal he wouldn't tell me, he'd just do it; that he knows he'll ellicit a big reaction out of me by saying that and that it is not genuine, etc, etc.

What then happens is that they cast doubt into my mind about the way I'm managing him and also whether he is bona fide.or whether I'm being taken for a ride. Instead of helping, they unknowingly add another level of complexity which then makes me question whether I'm doing the right thing or not, and/or being extremely naive and just not seeing things clearly. Fortunately I have not allowed myself to be swayed by their comments.

What this illustrates to me is that although we require support, we have to be very careful about the support and advice we receive. I've not followed the advice given because i believe that it would be contraindicated and could potentially exacerbate my son's depression. I'm wise enough now (finally) to not take their comments to heart and let them define who and what I am, or question my actions (despite the doubts they cast). Thankfully due to years of intense emotional work I'm not as vulnerable as I used to be, however, I dread to think what impact these comments would have had if I were not so "emotionally mature" (big pinch of salt with that statment). Any vulnerable person could easily be swayed into adopting the mindset of these so-called hepful individuals. I shudder to think what the outcome would be if this were the case.

It makes me wonder about how good and/or bad "unprofessional" and uneducated support can be when dealing with mental illness. Advice received from people who do not have a good understanding and knowledge could potentially be very harmful to both the individual seeking support, and to the person suffering with a mental illness.

So the summary of what I'm saying is that supportive advice must come from people who have knowlegde, insight and understanding, Reaching out to those that are closest to us for advice must be done with caution and a healthy level of self-confidence and knowlege.

After what I've been through, both internally and externally, I would be the first person to advocate for psychology to be introduced into schools so that future gererations grow and learn to understand that humans have this diversity. I can't wait for the day when everyone understands that people (humans) can get sick mentally as well as physically and that this is what makes up the human condition. Loads of empathy gets ellicited for anyone suffering from a physical disease (e.g. cancer or the like), but when any mental affliction comes into the equation people steer clear and display a lack of empathy and insensivity that is not deserved.

I've had my offloading rant now and feel better. Sorry xx

Janna ❤️