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I just don't know.

TechuniqueSenior Contributor24 Sept 2017, 2:15 am AEST

I just don't know.

People often tell me to hang in, it will get better someday. For the last ten years they have been wrong every consecutive day. I still don't know how to make friends or keep myself hygenic, or whether or not I'm being a jerk in the moment I'm being a jerk. I still spend a majority of my time in despair, or anger or guilt. I never know when I am applying Illogical reasons to a problem until it has gone past the point where I can change anything by correcting my logic.

some days it is very hard to hold my focus on the chance that there will be a day in the future that I am glad to be here. Some days, holding my focus on that chance seems really dumb. I play by the odds which are currently 0 out of over 3650 consecutive days. When is my number going to come up?

I'm tired of hurting and being so very alone in every category that one can be alone in. I'm tired of the hurt in me causing me to lash out and hurt others that I love.

I resent that I love others. I resent that others love me. If it weren't for these two factors I could have left this stupid planet years ago.

2 replies

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In response to: I just don't know.

NeelixSenior Contributor25 Sept 2017, 12:30 am AEST

Re: I just don't know.

Hi @Techunique. Your comment has given me a picture of how you are thinking and feeling at the time of this comment. When I see your expression of how you are it validates some things for me. I know its not about me. It is about you.
I make friends. I can't keep them. I simply dont have enough 'words' or the right words to explain my behaviour. I dont want to disclose to people my trauma. I dont have short sentences or nouns or adjectives to explain and not disclose so I say nothing.
Logic makes sense to me. It assists me to understand my trauma, hearing voices and erratic behaviour. I am slowly learning with support from pyschologist to feel emotions.
I hope that being here on this forum you may feel less alone.

In response to: Re: I just don't know.

TechuniqueSenior Contributor07 Oct 2017, 2:33 pm AEDT

Re: I just don't know.

Very much so! This is the first place I have found where I do not have to override my desire to speak, reading the feelings of others like me has been a balm for my soul.

It's strange to say but I feel that my logic is heightened by my various vagaries of perception and thought. Some of the aspects of my illness that would lead me to illogical action are present every second of every day and I must use logic at all times to help me determine whether the information I am receiving is valid or ought to be acted upon, thank you for your understanding.

It is, I think, a much more difficult road that we walk than is generally understood. Not least of all because of the ignorance of what people like you and I go through. It's very true that everyone is different but when someone tells me that it makes me feel so alone. I can't help but think "yeah, but your differences are differences in personality or preference, my entire reality is entirely unrecognizable from where I was before this began." I know that everyone has their own particular difficulties but much of my life has been defined by my isolation from solidarity and validation from another. I feel that I have found a measure of that here. It helps. I hope I can help you too.

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