[Trigger: Suicide] Bipolar 2 - Rapid cycling & mixed states

Hi @queenofthestone. Thanks for sharing with us. That uncertainty over what you'll feel from one day to the next can be frightening and exhausting. As you've only just started to take the mood stabilsing meds there is real hope that things will improve once you've been on them for a sufficient length of time. With bipolar, and even to a lesser extent unipolar depression, one thing you can be certain of is that nothing is permanent. Moods shift, thoughts change, and this increase bleakness that you are experiencing now won't last. It's not your permanent reality. It's just where things are right now.

That's why we always remind people about the crisis lines, such as Lifeline (131114) and the Suicide Callback service (1300 659 467), because when you are thinking about harming yourself, you've generally lost sight of the fact that this is just how you're feeling right now. It really does feel permanent. But it's not. And by reaching out and talking to someone (or writing to lots of people are you are now!) you're giving yourself a chance to stick around and experience the better moods that will follow at some point.

It's a shame that there aren't better treatment options where you live. But at least you're accessing the treatment that's available which is going to chart a very different course for you than that of your dad. Your outcome will be different because you're responding to the illness very differently.

I hope other members with similar challenges have some advice to offer. You're certainly not alone in your thoughts and experiences. Keep talking to us. We all learn from eachother.

Hi @queenofthestone. I just wanted to follow on with you on @Former-Member’s post. Firstly, I would like to say how important it is to be gentle with yourself. Whilst it no doubt has felt like an eternity, you have only been treated for a diagnosis of bipolar disorder for 8 months. In the scheme of things, with treatments, medications, and learning your triggers, it is not very long at all. It will all take time, and whilst time can seem to drag on, there will come a time when you will be able to manage your symptoms and live in a state of recovery. I thought the following members may be helpful in sharing their experiences and thoughts with you to help you on your journey: @chookmojo, @hazelhawk, @Melody90 and @Akash75.

Hi,

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I was diagnosed with bipolar 6 months ago. I have had some horrible medication changes with yucky side effects and I often lose hope that anything is going to help. Especially seeing as I have been on many medications for anxiety and depression prior to the bipolar diagnosis. I also feel scared when I am in mixed states. I hate not knowing if I am on a high or a low and why I am acting strange or overly anxious or emotional and when it is going to stop. Sometimes my behaviour and moods are very 'steriotypical' other times I just have no idea what it going on. I am told that the meication path i'm on now should help but at this current point in time there hasn't been a lot of symptom relief. Hang in there, I'm trying my best to. Thanks for sharing your story.

Hi @snoopy.

I am hard on myself - I've missed out on the formative years of my life all because I've wasted a lot of time in fear and depression simply because I wanted to be 'tough' and struggle through what is ultimately a permanent state. I have a lot of life to catch up on and part of me thinks its getting too late - all the fun I should have had over the last decade now over and I have to earn a proper living, be weird girl with no relationship experience and try to make new friends after pushing the good ones away.

I know this mindset contributes to the cycle of depression and anxiety. Its just how do I not give in to it?

I know no one can else can answer these questions, but I have to let it out. I still feel like a 15 year old land if were looking at myself if I were another person, I'd be laughing at me too.

@Melody90

Thanks for replying.

Mixed states are living hell. I used to think my symptoms were very light and I was doing very well compared to most people. Then I realised rapid cycling mixed-states was a very serious, very dangerous thing.

I have had little relief from medication so far as well. I've never crossed my fingers so tightly as right now that this med does work.

Dear @queenofthestone

Iv'e written with you before haven't I? My name is ja47yr. I'm not diagnosed with Bipolar....

but someone I liked very much, my dear dear friend has rapid cycling bipolar and she pushed me away. I havent seen her for about 18 months.....we were good friends but I think the thing that she cut me off about was that I dont like talking on the phone and she likes talking on the phone for hours and hours.

there were other factors like her past.

But I read your introduction and what I thought was you are a very kind .....fragile lady. these are qualities that my girlfriend lost when I met her when she was 49 yrs old .....

I'm not writing I know what you are going through, a long time ago, the bipolar 2 was explained to me ......but

I can only feel like giving you a big hug. and that I'm interested, I'm here.

Do you think that you could write down your good qualities and put them on the fridge? I remember my friend had silver chain come in 3 times a week......she also has a lot pf physical problems.....but she pushed for me to get silver chain in once per week to help me stay on track and keep me not wanting to go to bed all day.

Please write, thank you for writing, Anne

Hi @queenofthestone. I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2008 after a very long time of being treated for anxiety and depression, including suicidal feelings. At the time of the bipolar diagnosis I was really in crisis, crashed out of my job, hysterical, verbally very nasty to my partner and then trying to laugh with him the next moment. Those rapid cycling mixed states could go on for long periods of time. Sometimes I'd even be screaming in the middle of the night. Once I found a good mix of medications things calmed down hugely. I still have problems, mostly to do with isolating myself, but my life is miles and away better than it was some years ago and also heaps better for those closest to me. I just wanted to add another voice to say I'm hearing you and that there is hope for a better time of things in the future. My mantra is to take the days one at a time and I also focus a lot on breathing, especially at times of high anxiety. My very best wishes to you.

Hi,

I too suffer rapid cycling bi-polar disorder and yes it is a roller coaster. I am on meds to control my disorder and have not worked for five years because of the condition. I am also a suicide survivour. I attempted to take my life five years ago after a harrowing work experience. I still suffer cognitive distortions to this day. I still have underlying suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. My moods are somewhat under control but I still feel down most of the time but to the world I am happy go lucky. I have undertaken a counselling course, not only to try and help others but also to try and gain a better insight into myself and my mixed up crazy brain. To me life is a constant battloe and I can only deal with it from day to day.