arteeSenior Contributor
Desperate
Hi
I've just joined and read some of the other stories. Mine is long and complex, but I'll do my best to give a synopsis. My husband of 21 years has an acquired brain injury after oxygen starvation during abdominal surgery 4 years ago. I have complex PTSD from childhood abuse from my sociopathic adoptive mother, fibromyalgia and osteo arthritis in my neck (probably due to the childhood abuse) and suffer physical pain constantly. Because of the nerve damage in my neck, I am can only drive short distances or suffer debilitating, 3-7 day migraines if I drive more than 20km. I can't bend, or lift much.
Before his surgery, I had a generous, caring, loving husband. That man died. Two weeks before his surgery we had moved overseas for what we had intended to be a permanent move. After surgery, my husband had no interest in the running of the shop we'd bought and we couldn't keep it profitable. Without an income, we could not stay, so were forced to return to Australia. I have family by birth and am close to my sister, but her partner has early onset dementia and both her (our) parents are ill and I cannot live near her as it's too cold for my arthritis (which is affected chronically by cold). We had nowhere to go and ended up in a caravan in a friend's backyard. It took 8 months to get him on a disablility pension, since he doesn't want to get help, seeing me as the problem not him. He thinks I'm unreasonable to put boundaries on his most unacceptable behaviours and I repeat myself 8-10-15 times a day, every day, refusing to back down. I learned to set boundaries after years of counselling from abuse. My mothers behaviour is a post of it's own. I've had lots since returning to Australia, dealing only with hubby, but nothing they suggest has any effect on him.
Hubby is rude, selfish, verballly abusive and lose his temper frequently. He has little empathy and is selfish and greedy. He lies and is obsessed with controlling my every move. he can't stand me being out of his sight - literally. He never allows me in another room when we are in anyone's house (we housesit sometimes so I can get some space). He's incredibly anti-social and has done his best to destroy all my personal relationships (and even casual ones), especially with my sister who I'm very close to. I can never have a private telephone conversation as he sits within 2 metres and refuses to go away. If I move away, he will follow and if I complain, he loses his temper. He has no living family. We don't have children. So I am alone and very isolated. We're still in a caravan, travelling around, since he won't agree to settle anywhere and we move on frequently, rarely staying a week anywhere. He never allows me to go out alone (except on the rare occasions we stay in a friend's backyard near my friends) and even follows me to the toilet blocks sometimes, if I take "too long". He won't leave the van unless I do. An example was yesterday when we were sitting outside, and I came in to prepare food. He couldn't stay outside alone and threw a temper tantrum when I told him to go outside again.
He doesn't communicate and ignores me for hours on end, rarely answers any question the first, second or third time, and usually gives answers under 3 words when he does. His ideas are bizarre, delusional, excessively paranoid and secretive. He hides things. He believes we have to be in hiding from the creditors our company had when we went bankrupt overseas. When I make a statement he argues. Not sometimes. Every time. I feel like I'm the enemy.
Strangely enough, he is able to drive, as long as I go with him, to tell him what speed he should do, where to turn, which he doesn't always, despite now he is told turning left in 800, 700, 600,....300 slow down now, you're turning now. He cannot remember where he is and gets lost in shops. He almost runs from shops and I'm not permitted to browse. He refuses to see anyone, other than one doctor and I have a hard time getting him there. If I say anything about him to the doctor, he gets angry, I get an outburst followed by the entire day sulking and refusing to speak.
He has also developed what seems to be periodic limb movement disorder, which is thrashing of his legs, arms or head, every 20-30 seconds for 4-6 hours a night. The doctors don't seem concerned, but I get no sleep and the only ideas are to a) put hubby on a pill that causes narcalepsy or b) I take sleeping tablets so I don't notice. Neither are acceptable options. As we're in a caravan, there's absolutely nowhere else to sleep but the double bed. Last night was his worst night ever, with almost 8 hours of non stop movement and I'm exhausted. He says its not his fault, but is sulking because I'm not allowed to be upset by getting no sleep.
Because I haven't got a fixed address, I fall through the system cracks. I don't have help. I don't get respite. I can't get time out. I never have alone time. If I can get him into permanet care, I lose the only income I have right now and doubt I can work. I can't drive, or even stand up much without chronic pain. I've been told it's unlikely I'm eligible for a pension, but even if I am, its not even enough to pay rent and I have a fur baby who I won't part with for anything. Hubby says I can sell myself, or find someone to support me and I'll be fine. He couldn't care less.
I want out, but I have no idea how to do that and not end up on the street myself.
