Fitting In?

Here's my advice @outlander take it or leave it - it is entirely up to you.

Often when we try too hard to 'fit in' it actually makes the situation inside our own heads worse - especially if you have formed expectations on how things should be and these expectations are not met.

You are young - yes, you are new to this MH 'thing' - yes but you also have a voice - do not let that voice be anyone else's only your own. That will mean that there are conversations, subjects etc. that you do not have 'a voice' in - and that is not only ok but essential for your own well-being. None of us can be 'everything to everyone'. It is both a physical and practical impossibility. My being able to understand more the general feel/tone of a conversation you may also choose to take a step back as you feel you cannot offer more than is already being offered - and that is not only ok but a mature decision to make.

I have noticed that you have provided some amazing support to many people over the last few weeks - and that has come from you learning more about yourself and also more about the community - both of those 'learnings' have allowed you to give very succint, encouraging and thought through responses to other people in crisis or needing support.

My last advice @outlander is to carefully read posts - determine whether that person is getting support already, judge for yourself (from your own experiences) whether you can further add anything that will benefit that person (or infact if it is someone that you are more closely connected with that would appreciate a simple - I hear you and I am with you) and then step back until they respond to you.

This is a learning process for everyone @outlander - you are not alone in this by any means - and you are a very highly valued member of this community - that is however something that you need to believe from within yourself.

Lastly - reflecting on one's own contributions, support, words and thoughts is paramount for not only self-care but learning what is best for each of us individually.

Sometimes less is more - and sometimes we fit in without 'trying to'.

You have the intelligence, strength and empathy to be able to do all of this little caterpillar - it is time, reflection, evaluating oneself as you go ahead that will allow you to be more confident within yourself and ultimately allow YOU to feel like you 'fit in'.

Hugs

@Zoe7 Thank you for responding, while im not entirely sure what to say, I do think a Thank You is in order.

Its not so much as an expectation I have of being here. I know I cant help everyone and have stepped back a lot, or so I think I have anyway and have been using the simple msgs as you have suggested here. I no longer respond to things unless im tagged or a msg is directed at/to me.

Do you think maybe im starting to fall back into old habits......

Can you please explain abit more what you mean by evaluating oneself to allow myself to 'fit in'.?

Im just going to think about what youve said abit more too before responding to anything else.

@outlander I actually don't think you are starting to 'fall back into old habits' at all. I infact think you have showed a very mature approach to improving how your converse on the forum - and that is to be very much commended

Evaluating oneself to allow oneself to fit in is more about you knowing your strengths and weaknesses, the things that trigger you (sometimes even before they are openly apparent), finding your own sense of self (who you truly believe you are), having interests, hobbies, skills that are your own and finding the people, places, experiences that align with these for you - not for anyone else. When you can find these things or acknowledge these things as being part of who you are and not as a response to who anyone else is - then @outlander you will find the place(s) that you truly fit in.

I believe that this forum is such a place for you and every day I am witnessing a growth, a maturity and a recognition from you that there are things that you believe in and there are things that you are passionate about - and I think helping people is high on that list.

You ARE becoming more self-aware but you definitely lack self-esteem and confidence (so many of us here do) but I believe you have been taking huge steps in both these areas - even if you do not see it - we do When you do not have a positive view of yourself it is difficult to imagine you 'fit in' anywhere - and the funny thing about that is that so many of us here feel the same thing - we actually, collectively, DO fit in here

Oh thats a good point @Zoe7 im glad that the plans ive implemeted are helping. And thank you for helping me.

So to 'fit in' ive got recognise my strengths and weaknesses and stick more to the strengths and step back for the weaknesses...
still leaning a lot of my triggers esp being on here as sometimes its not obvious until it happens but I guess that happens to everyone here.

So it still seems ive got a lot to improve on but I guess these can only come in time and not all at once. Recovery im finding to be a very challanging thing and feeling like the outsider to a lot of things because of my past and not growing up 'normal' like most people my age.

I do love being here and I dont plan on leaving, I guess this came around more because as ive been reading threads, not all that I comment on or feel I can comment on but rather someones journey they are taking, I felt like im stuck in the middle if that makes sense. Not being able to idenitfy with the younger generation but not really being able to identify with older people either.

Helping people or one person is always high on the list, I just sometimes dont know what to say or how to help. I feel really bad when I commit to a thread and it goes well but then it takes a turn and they say things and I go what the... I dont know how to respond to things. I try not to tag people unless I really think they can help or are in an ok state from what ive seen that they could offer some advice.

Self esteem and confidence is a major downfall for me, and a work in progress as with many members here.

I agree with you there, it seems us having low something whatever it may be links us all to here and having mental illness or experience with mental illness is the reason we are all here so in that sense we all belong here

Hi @BambiFawn I havent met you yet so nice to meet you

ive got a lot of confidence issues and in the offline world its a lot worse. My mental health brings a lot of issues for me with my family and it is actually used against me so its hard for me to cope on my own or maybe it would be easier on my own in a way because then I wouldnt be in a toxic environment.

Im trying to do what faith-and-hope has suggested I regards to family and thats be respectful but put up the walls between me and them to not let what they say affect me but rather just let it float past on a cloud and let it be. Let them work out their own issues. Easier said then done for sure but its something im trying to practice

You have really put alot of thought into this @outlander - and I am really proud of how far you have come and how objective you are being - and you should be very proud of yourself also

You don't necessarily have to 'step back' for your 'weaknesses' but being able to identify when something (a conversation or topic) isn't as familiar to you or may be triggering is just as important as knowing where your strengths lie. Growth can occur through knowing both - and so can self-care.

You have said one thing here that I disagree with - "feeling like the outsider to a lot of things because of my past and not growing up 'normal' like most people my age" - to you it feels like you are different and your life so far has not been 'normal' but what is the definition of 'normal'. Each one of us here have had different experiences (definitely not all positive) and there are many. many people out in the real world that also have had 'difficult' experiences and upbringings. Yes alot of people your age have maybe had it a little easier than you but everychild, every adolescent, every young adult and every adult has had difficult experiences to deal with in some way - the extent or impact of those differ between individuals. That does not diminish the experience(s) at all - they are just different. I can see that you feel that you are 'different' to most people your age - but the truth is that every single person is 'different' and every single person has their own struggles in varying degrees. I feel that once we stop seeing ourselves as 'different' and more as 'unique' then some of that internal pressure to conform to 'what is generally expected in society' is alleviated somewhat. So @outlander try to see yourself, your life, your future not as 'different' from everyone else but as unique to yourself

Hi dear @outlander,

I can empaphise with you. I wish my family were more supportive as well. I see other families and how they lovingly interact and I feel like a babe in the woods or wilderness.
I feel orphaned too sometimes and so alone.
My mother has said if she knew when I was a baby in her womb that i would get schizophrenia, that she would've aborted me sadly.
My mother has been verbally abusing me for years and once beat me up. She told me she hoped I'd die of a heart attack and called me a fat pig. She said she'd give me hell and terror if i stayed and if i went home she said she hoped something bad would happen to me and called me a Christian bitch. she has said a lot worse too through the years.
But my psychologist told me it is her issue and the problem is with my mother not me. Howevor, her words and scheming and antics have disrupted my life at times. She has tried to destroy my confidence and my belief in myself. In short she is nothing but a schoolyard bully. She hides behind a clever veneer and an air of professionalism, and noone would know that she cruelly mentally abuses me as it is done behind closed doors.
It's my relationship with Jesus and Father God that has enabled me to keep going. But I must admit I think about her words everyday and sometimes sulk like an abused and abandoned puppy.
Howevor, Jesus has given some words at the Christian Healing Rooms to tell me through the church elders. So I am really blessed. God has heard my tears over my mother.He has healed my brokenheart and bound up the wounds of my heart as it says God will heal the brokenhearted in scripture in the Bible. I now put up healthy boundaries with my mother and garrison my heart. My Doctor said to block her calls and her abusive e-mails. And this has really helped. If it wasn't for Jesus and Father God and my dear Christian friends I would be left alone in the woods. But I have moved on from my mother now and I am free in Jesus name of her. I have a new lease on life now. I forgive her but it's the memories of her wicked cruel words that are hard to heal. But I put the hurt in the sea of forgetfullness and declare I am free in Jesus name of her

Hi Zoe I have been thinking a lot. I dont want to keep making the same mistakes so the best thing to do is to address them.
I can generally tell by the thread title if im going to be triggered or unfamilair. But sometimes like others the triggers arent obvious or thread title attracts us and then after reading it we dont comment because we have nothing to offer.

Ill try and see myself as unique rather than different but thats hard for me to do because I really dont like being in my own skin. Something I have to learn to do, maybe one day or after some changes but not right now.

@Zoe7