I want to feel normal

Welcome to the SANE Forums @Tryinhard85. It’s great to have you onboard and to hear your story. Thankyou.

I’m sorry to read you have had it tough for such a long time. And that you have found the GP’s you have seen less than helpful. This unfortunately is not uncommon and can prevent people from going back. The fact you have tried again and again over the years is a testament to your resilience, and you should be proud of that. J

Part and parcel of depression unfortunately is the insomnia, feelings of failure and hopelessness and isolating ourselves. So in context, everything you are experiencing is ‘normal’ within the scope of depression. Now it needs to be about getting you to a place where you can get help, start to feel better, and get a better understanding of why your depression seems to occur about twice a year.

It’s disappointing your experience with anti-depressants has been negative. It may be anti-depressants simply aren’t effective for you, or they weren’t given enough time to work, or you didn’t feel supported during the process, which can influence a treatment program. To try something different, have you thought of linking in with a psychologist? You may find you benefit more from therapy than medications. Psychologists can be accessed with a Medicare rebate if you have a GP’s referral.

As the SANE forum is a peer-to-peer platform, we cannot address crisis topics. But I do want to check with you ryinhard85, are you going to be safe tonight? Having thoughts of suicide is concerning and does demonstrate you are really struggling. Please remember that any thoughts of self harm or suicide do not necessarily mean you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with at the time. Try to remember no problem lasts forever, people do recover and life circumstances change.

That being said, if you find yourself in a crisis, and need some support, the following services are available to you. Lifeline 13 11 14 (www.lifeline.org.au) and Suicide Callback Service 1300 659 467 (www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au). Both are 24 hours.

I fell really honored that you felt here was a safe place to share your story. And I hope you find the stories and journeys of others here helpful along the way.

TP

Hi @Tryinhard85

Welcome to the Forums.

@snoopy is very wise - there's some great points in their response.

You mentioned you get like this about twice a year - have you noticed anything in particular that triggers the spiral?

Welcome @Tryinhard85

I can particularly relate to not wanting children to see us in our down periods.

The best I can come up with is that it gives them a modelling of a person dealing with tough times and getting on with life. In that all people go through that at some time it is better than putting on a fake happy face ... though at times we might put on a strong face. With 4 children it often seems that we get very little done but in actual fact just keeping that show on the road is heroic.

Hi @Tryinhard85

I'm not a doctor but the symptoms you describe are very similar to what I've been going through since my late teens, and at the end of last year I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 disorder. My depression and happiness went in cycles, which is why i was very lucky to be refered to a particular psychiatrist by my psychologist that told me exactly why I was feeling so aggresive and paranoid - many anti-anxiety medications induce 'mania' which can be a very happy mood, anger and irritability, paranoia and racing thoughts. The depression is a crash from that, and moods can cycle for days, weeks, months or years. Staying on antidepressants can be dangerous as it started my rapid cycling moods that change week to week, and now day to day. Its terrifying.

I think its a good idea to go to a GP (they're mostly useless at proper mental health diagnosis) and ask to be referred to a psychiatrist. As soon as I told my psych about the anti-depressant reaction he knew right away and wanted to start meds that actually might be of use to me.

Hope you're doing well right now and that you'll get the help you need.

😢😔😡

@Former-Member

SO good to see your profile pop up after all this time @chookmojo

Dear Tryinhard85,

I can identify with your story in so many ways. It takes great courage to go through what you are going through and look after your children as well I think he first thing you must do is get a proper diagnosis. Ask your GP to refer you to a psychiatrist, who can sort out what your problems are and prescribe the proper treatment. There are literally dozens of anti-depressants on the market, and ones which suit some people may not suit others. If there is a bi-polar component to your illness you might also be put on a mood stabilizer to iron out the ups and downs.Please don't go on as you are going now - you will only continue in pain and suffering. See that psychiatrist.

I have had bi-polar disorder for 47 years (I am 63 now), but with help I have managed to build a good life for myself, with a partner and 4 adult children. I wouldn't pretend there haven't been ups and downs but it is possible to live a rich and full life provided your illness is properly managed. You are so young, please see somebody and get things sorted out. Thinking of you,

Ellu