What concerns me.

Hello,
how are you?
I enjoy writing here because it's anonymous and I always feel 'heard,'
the real reason why I came onto Sane forums is because I have a problem I need to discuss and if I speak about it to one of my friends, I feel that they will dismiss it without giving it much thought.

My problem is that my current boyfriend is speaking to me about me returning to work but I truly do not know if I can manage it. I am not quite sure what to do because I would like to as well but I'm worn out. I feel like I'm pushing myself and I don't want to.

He won't mind terribly if I didn't though. But these are the factors why I am so worn out.

About 13 months ago, I left my second husband. We had known each other since we were 12years old. So, though he had been diagnosed with Chronic Paranoid Schizophrenia at 19 years old, we were both focused on getting me help so -we (mainly me with his blessing )were active with certain organisations. I was also doing volunteer work for Mental Health in the state We live in.

I met my current boyfriend not long ago. When I met him, I was absolutely in a numb place.... I was fighting the psychiatric hospital ............ ( people's names) at the inattention they had given my darling husband and.... It was like all the stress I had been going through for many years came tumbling around my body. I was even speaking backwards! True! We were friends for about six months .... Only eight months after leaving my husband....and recently decided to make a go of it, to be together.

When I first met my current boyfriend, I had crashed on the lounge room couch and could barely talk. The people who lived around me were turning up for about three months and cleaning my place up, sometimes even cooking for me.

In the past, the stresses I had encountered in my life, it was like I never felt any pain or stress, I was always on auto pilot. At 15 years old 1983, I was hit by a car on a crosswalk, got brain damage and in a coma for six weeks. In 1983, there wasn't much understanding of head injuries, but I dealt with it via study and many years of Psychotherapy. At the time.. Boy... My Mum had disappeared out of my life until 2003 because she couldn't stand the stress. In fact this is very painful for me to write but she doesn't like me very much. .1989' I got married the first time.... My youngest son was then ill with a tumour. Again I didn't feel anything but I managed these stresses and was ferociously working, ferociously studying, ferociously being a good enough mother. I began therapy when I was in my eArly 20s because of problems with my anxiety and my well being.

Fast forward to 2006, my oldest son moved to live with my brother in Queensland, he was having a difficult time with his Father,,,, (first marriage divorce when children were young). I worked, as a carer for all aged groups, studied, took my youngest son to hospital and coped. I didn't know how to take care of myself but I did have psychotherapy.

Then a miracle. My son got better. He moves in with my Mum, she's come home to live. They get along very well. I'm so happy about that. About 7 months later, I remet my second husband and for the next two and half years we got together, got married but divorced out of difficulties.

And when he was going through some awful difficulties, I started feeling this stress that was physically affecting me. I was devastated. I so wanted to be there for him. But I started to learn how to take care for myself

Since then, my poor oldest son has been diagnosed with mental ill health issues. I fly over to Queensland once a year to tell him I love him and we play backgammon.

Now I'm in a dilemma, I was approved Disability pension, But I want to also work but most days, I can barely keep my unit clean.

Can anyone comment ?
THanks.