14 yo with anxiety, depression, school avoidance, selective mutism, self harm.

Hi. I've been lurking on this site for a few weeks, but have finally decided to post. My 14 year old daughter was diagnosed this year with anxiety and depressive disorders after 2-3 years of issues. She self harms and frequently has suicidal thoughts, although to my knowledge has never attempted. Has had two hospital stays this year, currently taking medication and also now under the care of CAMHS. We have seen various practitioners over the last two years, including an extended stint with Youth Focus, but she does not engage with any of them, and remains mute during appointments. Her anxiety is so severe that she now does not attend school, and has already missed two whole terms this year. In the last six months that she did attend school, she remained selectively mute. (She does talk with her friends).

The school avoidance became so bad, that when I was working, I had the constant anxiety of not knowing if she would attend school or stay at school. As a teacher, my schedule is not very flexible, so this was incredibly stressful, even though my employer was very understanding. I have now had to take a combo of long service and unpaid leave from my job this year to be with her, as her situation is impossible to manage with a full time job. My husband earns more than me, so decided together it made more sense for me to stay home for now, but the way things are right now, I can’t see myself being able to go back to work next year. Frustrating, because I thought I'd reached a point in my life where I had a bit more freedom to pursue career and it also means money will be tight. But our biggest priority right now is keeping her safe. (Must add that hubby is very involved and supportive, and took turns with me in juggling appointments & sick days before I stopped working).

We enrolled her in distance education this term, but that has also proved to be a failure, because, although the service is terrific and staff very helpful, she says she is just unable to focus and concentrate on the school work. I often have trouble getting her out of bed before lunchtime. This is so frustrating, as she is a very bright and creative girl, and was in academic extension programmes at her high school. I know it causes her further anxiety too, as she is isolated from the shared school experiences of her friends, and is now worrying about how she will be able to get to uni if she is missing so much school. At this stage, I no longer care at what level she is studying, I just want her to be engaged in doing something meaningful that she enjoys.

Every time we think she may be making some progress, something happens to plunge her back into a deep hole. She is very sensitive and insecure, and prone to see negatives where there are none. She is convinced that her older sibling is the “favourite”, simply because he is attending school with no issues, she feels disconnected from the family, no matter how much we support her, she tells herself she has no friends and everyone at her school hates her, that we think she is a nuisance and we’d be better off with her not being around. It is absolutely heartbreaking, because our whole lives are revolving around her right now, and she just doesn’t see it. I live with constant gut-renching fear that she will attempt, and it's also a constant juggle to remain positive and upbeat around her, and never to let on the effects that her illness is having on the rest of us for fear it will drive her to self harm or worse.

It's frustrating that we just don’t know what has caused this, although I know there are never easy answers. We are just your average everyday loving family, with no known history of MI, and our oldest, who is 16, is the most calm and well adjusted teen you could wish for. This experience with our youngest has completely blind-sided us, and all we want is for her to find some peace and a capacity to love herself, or at least, be kinder to herself.

Would love to hear about others’ experiences with anxiety, school avoidance and selective mutism.