Q&A Info Session // What not to say to someone who has a MI // 11 - 15 Sep

Hi @Shaz51 I rarely tell people about my MI. One response I had was: really?! I don't know if that was because I didn't look/behave how they were expecting, or if they didn't believe me. Another one was: oh yeah, that's quite common isn't it. This was not really a question though, just a statement! At the heart of these is a tendency to dismiss or discredit. What is helpful is when someone acknowleges you, and your experience, and says something that indicates that they are open to hearing or learning more.

@NikNik

I'm so glad this subject has come up - I do have something to say about it

I have found - through time - that people tend to say the same things to people with chronic pain and to bereaved parents - and since I have been a member here - they pick on people with Mental Illness as well

Why is that? - I think this question alone could be a good one

Perhaps it's because all three of these "conditions" have things in common though they are certainly different

1. They are invisible

2. They are chronic

3. They are scary

4. People are afraid it might happen to them and so they need us to shove off

5. People are certain it won't happen to them and brush us off

This behaviour reflects other people's ignorance and intolerance but sadly - it devolves on us and we do not deserve it.

One thing - my pet hate - is

"Get over it" - as if we can - and often I have told other people if we could get over it - we would. Who wants to be in chronic severe pain, grieving a child (or anyone precious) or battling mental illness?

If we could we would never be told to "Have a stiff upper lip" etc

Cheer up - pull your socks up - turn off the water works - think about something else - stop being so negative - smile - there's always someone worse off - nothing's so bad it can't get worse - count your blessings - stop being such a worry wart - ta da ta da

I could go on and on and perhaps tomorrow I will see a website where I used to be a member and find the list of 65 things not to say to people with (insert the condition here)

I hope this helps - I think I side-tracked myself

Dec

I can only divulge what was said to me that made me feel much worse when I had a major breakdown. They were:-

1. Stop whinging

2. Don't be a child

3. (When crying) That's pathetic (was the worst thing to say)

4. If you don't stop being negative you will never get better.

5. It's a lack of faith

6. I can't take you anymore (fear of abandonment nearly drove me to the final straw)

7. I couldn't live with you

8. Stop all the worrying

9. And the worst one:- "If you stay like this you will be institutionalised".

10. I don't love the negative side of you.

11. I never thought you would be so weak. Toughen up.

12. Being spoken down to demeaningly.

13. People running away and avoiding me.

14. You will get over it (loss of children)

Gee, I don't know if I want to remember anymore. I felt kicked in the teeth when in my darkest moment. And my breakdown was caused through past abuses, some medical issues and grief that "these people would of never coped with or survived through". They now have their own battles, realise how strong I am to have come through it and now look up to and come to me at times. My how the tables have turned but it hurt like hell and placed me further in it at the time. And I will never allow anyone now to treat me like that again.

One thing I "did want to hear" was that I would get better, that it would be alright and that there was hope - because I could not have endured the thought of being in that dark pit all my life. I wouldn't have climbed out without believing the latter and without holding onto hope. And if not for the solid love of my husband.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.......

I had a psych who told me to

Get over the past

Read books

Dont watch tv

Get a purpose

I rarely feel anger, but in my mind I wrestled him to the ground. I never went back. Lucky for both of us.

no, you have not missed it @Bubbles3

I've been told by one of my pyschologists -

1. "you're an attention seeking person"
2. "you love the attention"
3. "you love when i tell you off"
4. it's your responsibility
5. just grow up

I've been told by friends about my estranged parents:

1. just get over them
2. move on
3. forget them
4. you look good there is nothing wrong with you
5. you don't look like you're depressed

I've been told by my husband

1. just take another tablet
2. can't a tablet help you
3. why do you have to go to hospital for respite, can't you stay home

My Husband has been told by one of the pyschologists

1. you need to stand up for yourself
2. we can`t help you anymore
3. you have to help yourself