Surfa2New Contributor
cruising on the surface but beneath the surface ???
Hi
my first time to post
i've really found comfort reading through some of the stories in this forum, so thank you
i am a business owner with 10 staff. I have 3 small kids. My wife is wrestling with the aftermath of a car accident earlier this year. I was diagnosed with depression/anxiety when i was in my early 20s...now 44. I have been on and off medication for 20 years. i feel like i have so many balls in the air right now and that i am about to crack. like the thermostat has broken and i am slowly boiling to death with no escape and no real answers. i have been through all my childhood stuff till i am blue in the face and while i have made much progress, the reality of my childhood wieghs heavily on my heart. on the surface, i look strong (gym is my only release) and can function ok most of the time. i am also a perfectionist and highly sensitive person. I am so terrified of failure and rejection..so, it is a vicious cycle.
not sure what to do or how to move foreward. my work is causing my a lot of stress and constant worry, but i feel like i am being a coward and 'weak' for feeling that way. i have started a new antidepressant about a week ago which is making me feel heavy in the head but also some benefit...when will it be ok to care about me? is it ok for me to be struggling? the constant vacade is exhausting... we men are truly hopeless at being honest with ourselves... i feel that is i dont realese the pressure soon, something will crack in me...
thank you for reading my very much abbreviated story - back to juggling