I too have a Bipolar schizoaffective disorder. I have been in need of treatment, medication/therapy for most of my life. This was not always possible and there have been numerous occasions of psychopathy. I regret my actions and resent myself because of them. This may be a trigger for some but years of abuse left me as a schizopath, admitting this has taken courage. I must take medications twice daily and an injection every 2 weeks. I can get real sick at times, fact, fiction and reality become the same; without predictable boundaries. Behaviours such as these are dangerous, and I "die of shame" every time "it" happens (" it "meaning a psychotic episode). The disorder itself is a degenerate disease, I believe, so my memory is very poor short term. Often forgetting moments just seconds past. At other times my long term recall is pitch-perfect. Impulse control is an issue. So suicidal and reckless behaviours pop up more than I'd like. Homicidal tendencies are not an issue, I've mellowed out in my old age (43 years), though I have dwelt on the issue and violence is , unfortunately, quick at hand and occasionally I lash out with disastrous results. I am maladjusted and inadequate to society and reality and this admission or these facts sadden me greatly.
