Everyday

hi I am new to this, I have depression and have had it for much longer than what I had realised. It is horrible to think all those black and non functioning days were caused by chemicals in my brain running a muck. I have often felt selfishand confused that I can't find joy when I have no reason not to feel joy. I am on antidepressants but at the moment I am struggling a bit. It is difficult when there is no one to talk to. I do have a partner who is wonderful but I have burdened him with enough grief al ready. I don't know if it is because I am tired, or because I don't have any close friends, or because we live a long way from people, or because I am on my own a lot in the evenings. Then I drink, not huge amounts but more that is healthy. Then I feel like a spoilt cow, when I have so much and yet can't feel the joy. Pathetic!!