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For some reason I didn't get notified of your latest post, @utopia, hence the delay in replying.

I feel for you, struggling so long with these legal matters. Awful that it has to be part of your life. I've avoided all legal matters, even walked away with very little from my divorce, knew I didn't have a fight in me. I think you, and others who take on the system, are the tough ones.

I've pretty much accepted that my condition can only be managed. I'm okay with it in a way, except for when I contemplate my life ahead over long years, knowing that these ups and downs are likely to improve, relapse, improve, relapse. Probably not the cheeriest thing to write to you just now. Just saying I relate really.

But in your case, that sense of having once been in a much better place in regards mental health must make it really hard to accept. I've been depressed since childhood and breaking out into sudden manic behaviours from my teenage years. It's easier to accept something when you don't know any different really.

And, the notification of your post just came through, 22 minutes after you posted it!

How I cope with the extremes of sleep and mood. I don't know really. Something to do with still feeling like I'm in a better place now than when I was younger and unmedicated, or not adequately treated.

Thanks, @utopia. I am up for a big chat with you. Looking forward to it. Sleep well now. ox

Hi @utopia

I think it's okay to be down and a bit sorry - or even a lot sorry - for ourselves at times - sheesh - why not - denying our feelings and counting our blessings can be disastrous sometimes

I like to be radical in my thinking - anyway - I am beginning to see that in your case your reaction is in relation to some kind of crime being committed against you in your work place and the drawn out process of getting the "right" dx - and the drain of legal carnage is devastating and to somehow get along with it you have been shoving those feelings down into a place where they have lived on the back-burner for however long and all the time corroding your sense of self

Cause yeah - what a stuff-up a lot of this has been and before whatever happened at work you were a normal person living your normal life and zapp!! - so much of yourself has been taken away

Allow yourself to have the feelings and have a time limit on being sorry - I actually felt sorry for myself a lot during the week and didn't enjoy myself - feelings of fear of the unknown - I was not a happy camper at all and told my doctor late in the day when I saw him - after I had my blood and urine taken for tests that I wanted to get onto a different medication - my feet were so swollen yesterday my socks cut into my feet - aw - I had enough so tomorrow I start different medication that might make me tired - the one I have been taken has given me a host of side FX -

I feel the need to be in control of my circumstances as much as possible - I guess most people do - to different degrees and for different reasons - I spent a few days in Respite Care a few years back - the hospital gave me a week - I felt as if no one cared that I was there and the nurse was bitchy - the food indifferent and I didn't eat breakfast the whole time I was there and not even lunch a couple of times - I didn't notice until I got the Webster Pack when I got home that I was actually taking too much medication - they gave me my back medication and then added the medication for my chest pain - I slept all day and was awake all night

So yes - I am really afraid of ending up in such a place - not that I really need to because I can organise this for myself but the memory remains

I have been thinking of you all day - Fridays are usually busy for me and it took me ages to get out of my shadow in the morning and then I was at the Pathology Place before I saw my doctor - and it's really late and I am feeling fine right now

I wish you the best - thinking of you - and looking for clipart

This has been so me this week

cya - Dec