@BlueBay@Bella1978@Shaz51@Faith-and-Hope@Sans911 @outlander @dec @zoe7 @lapses @teej @whiteknight and anyone else I have temporarily forgotten and who may be interested.
Saw my psychologist today. Told him about my trip to the ED (my ex workplace) and that my heart is fine. That this pain I am having is alll due to anxiety. Then I told him the Anxiety has also been causing my high bp readings. But that I am not aware that I am anxious or worried at the time. And definately not having any panic attacks. So I asked him to fix it. Teach me how to stop this from occurring.
What he told me, just caused me to break down in tears.
He said, he can help me reduce the anxiety and therefor the related physical symptoms, but that it won't ever go away! Ouch. Not what I wanted to hear at all. And I told him so. He said, because I am not even aware that I'm anxious at all, means that it is a part of me. He says I am a highly sensitive person. What? I'm not aware of being sensitive to noise or lights or anything. Although I am sensitive to crowds, perfumes and chemicals. He said that I am very sensitive to emotions. That I am very passionate about certain human rights issues and abuses and that I feel these deeply, but that they do cause me anxiety and stress, that maybe other people don't feel, or feel as intensely.
He said this is a good thing. It is part of my personality. I may be more sensitive since my workplace injury 4 years ago, but that I've probably always been this way.
So I yelled at him and cried some more. Said it's not fair. I have Major Depression. I don't need anything else on top of that, that can't be controlled. He said it can be controlled, partially, but can't be cured.
Obviously then my bp went up. The chest and arm pain started. I said to him, what's the point in trying to get better from my depression, in trying to live a better life, in giving up alcohol, if I'm just going to keep struggling with other things. Yes, I can see the irony in my comments. It is my thoughts that cause this anxiety, which in turn causes the physical pain. But I really did picture myself living in a shack in the mountains and drinking myself stupid. Until I was a total alcoholic and eventually die. Yes, Suicidal Ideation came loudly in my head.
Totally irrational and out of control. That's how I felt.
The good news is:
* my heart appears healthy as is the rest of me, physically.
* I can try and tell my thoughts that they are bulldust (or as I saw on Facebook today, a therapist told a patient that every time she hears her negative self talk, to pretend that it is Trump saying those things to her, so it is easier to tell them to F* off. lol. Think I'll try this).
* I can continue practicing my breathing and use it when harsh thoughts come, or when pain comes.
* I can try and be aware of what I may have been thinking / feeling just before pain hits me.
The bad news is:
* The thoughts won't necessarily stop (can only try and control).
*The pain and fear is real.
* Seems like another diagnosis on top of the other diagnosis.
* I'm super sensitive - but I want to be strong.
I still haven't fully processed it all yet. I understand that my pain is psychosomatic. That makes sense. But the fact of having a personality that is sensitive or easily triggered. Nah! Not enjoying this journey at all.
Anyone else struggle with this? I know you do @BlueBay. And by the way - my results don't necessarily reflect yours. Our journeys may be similar. But they are still unique. No two of us is the same.
Just dissapointed - as I guess I still had hope of a full recovery of my depression and that I could go back to who I was, once upon a time. But that isn't going to happen now. (and lol - I wasn't even aware I was still hoping for a full recovery - ironic)
