Is it true if you love someone it's best to let them go.

Hi @Former-Member
I never married,had kids and know how my depression and anxiety limits my life.I wouldn't like to inflict it on a child or anyone and can imagine how that guilt of burden must make you feel.
I can also understand your husband, because I get abused from my elderly mother at times and at times it puts me on the edge.It's obvious you love him ,if you can find good mental health services which you are happy with I suggest you use it.He is just as frustrated as you,in a different way.
I regret not having a family unit in my life and lost something that was my life a while back that devastated and that I lost due to my problems.The only thing I will say from experience,is you never know what you have until it's gone . It's like anything else you need to decide if you are going to sink or swim.Your husband sounds like it's worth the effort to swim.Maybe put self care tactics in place like exercise, making a date night once a week etc.I understand it's hard the illness I have blocks the world out and I get really p***** off with myself and the world.It can make you self centred and that itself makes you lose perspective.

@Former-Member,

Wish I had your partner!I'm not religious but you are blessed to have him. I understand,I grew up obese,copped a lot of crap from school to family plus a dysfunctional family.I didn't want to bring a child into this world and go through what I went through even if I met Mr Right.I thought I was protecting it.That was one reason.I also don't have patience ,hear a kid scream in shops I get agitated with anxiety.Im now 45,my life went down the toilet when I approached 40.Thats when I started having regrets and started having "bad storms"of depression and anxiety.

I can't lecture because I try to swim too but keep giving up.I walk but most of the time I'm distressed,just had a episode.I get distresses like when I'd fall over as a child and scape your knee.It does make you regress.I know it's hard,sounds like you have the support I don't.

All I can say is No,don't let it go,on your own like me it's harder,if I had Mr Right like you who obviously loves you that is something worth fighting for.Dont shortchange yourself because of an upbringing you had no control over.I did and it robbed me of a life.Your life is there,take it for what it offers.

Hi @Former-Member

If it is true love it is a gift to be nurtured - "never let it go without a fight".

I also grew up in a unhealthy household - a victim of child abuse and can guarantee a lot of our behaviours and moods can also be learned. And they can be unlearned. Mental illness does also produce mood swings particularly "when under stress", sleep deprived or emotional triggers hit - and we feel we are going to flip out - I do understand that. And also understand that our perception can be out and putting this all together can place us in the position to offload by lashing out at those we love. We dont mean to abuse them but they are being effected that way and they are becoming damaged.

Your husband has laid down the boundaries that cannot be crossed, for his own mental health and well being and for the marriage to survive those boundaries have to be respected. I had to learn this sometimes the hard way. MI or not we are responsible for our own actions. That's the way of the world, no one escapes the consequences. That does not mean the answer is to give up in the sense of being in the too hard basket, that's giving up on love feeling it's to hard to love the other as "we have no control - we all have the control to make choices, better ones so please don't believe the beast of depression and MI as that will keep us there stuck. Believing they would be better off without us is giving in to the too hard basket too. Your husband loves you for a reason, bring that woman back and nurture her and reject the other as that is pushing him away. IT could be also linked to abandonment fears - all which the right type of therapy can help.

As if we give up and let them go, down the track we realise what we lost and grief will hit like a tidal wave. I don't want that for you. I want you to be happy. You deserve someone of that too.

We can learn coping strategies to control what we say and how we act when moods hit. The disease only controls us if we believe it will. It's an act of will. I won't speak, just smile or say I am fine now when like that until it passes. Or make myself absent for awhile until the mood passes. Have time out etc. My daughter was violent once with mood swings and has although still has them she has learned to control them to the degree where she does not abuse us. It can be done. It's learning a whole new way of thinking and dealing with stressful times and moods and I strongly advise to get professional help with this (anger issues, grief from childhood issues, etc).

You have a great thing there my friend in your husband. He has been put there to make up for the pain of your past. Fight for him and please don't let him go. Tell him now how much you love and cherish and give thanks everyday for him. Let him know his value also. Fight for a better way and life. Nothing that matters ever comes easy but can be done with an act of will and determination no matter what the odds. Be determined not to hurt your husband again and put and prepare to put a plan in place to deal with your illness in healthier ways when it strikes. Good sound Professional help to overcome and control anger/mood issues and grief from childhood etc I would highly recommend.

I totally understand your not wanting to have children now under the circumstances and I think it wise. It would add to problem as stress would be greater and haywire hormones that can trigger extreme moods present. I believe you are making the right decision there for now. Who knows what the future may bring, what healing may bring or what is around the corner and all that may change one day. But for now you are being wise as knowing you are knowing ready to cope with such.

I wish your marriage healing and to actually grow in love and closeness. It's the most important blessing we can have. I wish you healing. You "can" do this. Never allow anything to control you or rob you of happiness. Don't allow your past to destroy your present. Tomorrow is a new day and start. Let love triumph as it goes both ways to work. Fight

Hello dear @Former-Member

It can certainly seem like we don't have any control when the illness is at it's worse, I understand having suffered the same disorder which ended in a complete mental breakdown 5 years ago and witnessing my daughter who also suffers bi-polar and BPD struggle the same way. I have also suffered psychosis when younger and was totally out of reality for a period of time. But I have also experienced personally over the years as expressed in my previous post that there are ways to cope better and control what we do and say when those moods strike so that relationships, jobs, friendships etc are not ruined by it, your husband isn't hurt and avoids the resulting guilt that leads to deeper depression. That's also a reality and was up to me to work on for management of my disorder. The depression did make me feel helpless but that is part of the illness and " not the reality", which is very hard to see past when in that state. Especially if it was psychotic depression and delusional episodes took place. It was then I had to reach out and gain the advice and help I am repeating here. And if psychosis is present then a total review of medication to control that needed to be sort.

It took many years to be where I am at now to be honest and I can have relapses, but I have come a long way from my mental deterioration of five years ago and with determination and coping strategies saved my marriage which is now a very close and loving one. That's up to the individual to choose to pursue to ensure success. There is hope 😊

Another person who has experienced such and who has claimed control over her bi-polar symptoms now and doing great is @Kurra. She may be able to explain it better than I do.

There is a site that also explains coping strategies that I described in my lived experience to you. It is called ReachOut Australia - Self management for bi-polar disorder that a lot of sufferers find helpful to gain control over the disorder and the mood swings you described. It's possible. Also "bi-polar and anger - controlling outbursts" by bphope. I hope this of some help and I wish you healing and happiness and the very best for your future