Feeling very sad

Hi @Queenie

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling very sad. I'm around if you'd like to talk about it? What's happening?

Thinking of you

@Former-Member, I look around myself and see how I have casual acquaintances in my life, for whom mental health never comes into the equation. For me, I've been involved in mental health since I was a small child, with my mother hospitalised here and there in psychiatric wards for "allergies to her children". It wasn't that she was clinically allergic to us, it was just how it was explained (and how hurtful is that explanation?). She couldn't cope with her bipolar disorder. When she was high and manic life was a breeze, and we all went along for the ride. But then the darkness fell soon after and she'd be whisked away to the ward and be allergic to us again and full of anger and hatred towards us.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mother, even if she is dead now. I feel like with my own schizoaffective disorder, I can understand her a bit. However, I have never said I am allergic to someone just to cause them mental distress like it was explained to us.

Fast forward to now.... people I used to work with, friends I had in high school, other family members... for them day to day life is vastly different from my own. They've never seen inside a seclusion room when they are so terrified of the world around them. It breaks my heart. It does. I try to have a normal life with friends (I try to have friends in place of a family as I am the black sheep of my family that nobody visits or talks about). I just seem to surround myself with the wrong kinds of people. I seem to attract the ones that will break my heart. Just like happened again today.

I see my psychiatrist on the 6th September and I feel like 30 minutes isn't enough time to blurt out all the things wrong with my world. I am sitting here bawling my eyes out and for what reason? Who the heck really cares? I know once I pay his bill, his level of caring diminishes greatly.

I am tired of having friends for whom the friendship is one sided. I give and give and they take and take. When I want a little in return, it is oh so too much for them to handle and they shut me out completely! All I ever did was care! Sorry enough rambling. It is hard to type with voices in your head screaming at you. Don't worry I don't need a hospital, crisis team or anything. I just to chill I think. Chilling isn't something I'm used to at all of late. Ever since the accident, I am hyper-aware of everything around me. I just want to be normal! I know people are going to say normal is just a setting on a washing machine, but for me, I just want a taste of what normal actually is. I've been known to mh services since I was 12 years old (for my own issues, since I was 4 if you count my mother as well). I hate the part genetics and environment play in a person's life.... I just want to be shades of grey instead of so starkly black or white.

Man I wish I had average (yes I like that term better than 'normal'), I want an average life. Go to work, come home, have a family, have friends that actually stand by you. Just like an average Joe. Instead, I'm struggling to keep up with the Joneses. There are days I really really don't like myself and don't like my life and today is one of those!

Sorry, I just re-read this drivel and realised I'm probably rambling here. I'm just so upset!

@Queenie, thank you for sharing that with me. I can hear you have an incredible amount happening for you right now. Please know that you do not need to apologise for any of your post. I am a big believer in airing out what feels as though its bubbling inside. Bringing parts of our darkness out to the light, somewhere to be seen, heard, validated and respected. I honour all of those things with what you are telling me @Queenie. I'm sorry you don't feel those things from the people in your life which I hear is where you would like to be feeling them from. Maybe that's something you can experiment with here on the forums first? Giving and receiving that is 🙂

Is there a way in which you can try and consolidate what you want your psychiatrist to know? Sometimes I find it helpful to write things down or talking over it with someone in order to help highlight the important bits and have the other parts heard but not necessarily needing them to make the final cut! I hope that makes sense, please tell me if not 🙂

You touched on chilling. What does that mean to you? Wondering how you might be able to implement such chill 🙂