365 Project

Good luck with the animals and settling in. @Former-Member

Thank you for asking how the trip was for me. @Former-Member There were a few very troubling days which resulted in NO sleep one night and me going for a walk under the stars with my sleeping bag wrapped around me. The stars were beautiful. I didnt even cry much just a couple tears.

But the usual thing happened. I am everyone's whipping boy .. even though I am a girl. There was a 2 against one confrontation about me being not good enough, not trying enough, using my neck as an excuse, and my son's anger at my sibling for suiciding. Suicide effects the next generation believe it or not.

All I asked for was for the girl to be calmer in the cabin and in close proximity ...she kept saying .." I cant change I am just fast" I used "I" messages saying "I am starting to feel jittery"... To which she responded "You are accusing me of ..."

I had to say it as she was "pouncing" on me re singing .. picking up music or a cup ... I completely submitted and let her and son sleep on double bed in cabin ... I took the couch and she was queen of kitchen ..

She had wanted to sing next to me as she was supposedly shy but I started to feel she uses helplessness and then turns controlling.

Anyway .. I know if I start dropping things my space has been violated. This from a girl who believes she is lovely, well mannered and has never sat an exam or held down a fulltime job let alone had babies.

"I" messages take a while to work and the person has to want to listen.

People generally say I have the right to ask and I shouldnt bottle things up ... but when I ask ... in a quiet respectful manner ... it is too easy for them not to look at their behaviour but ... deflect and project. I AM NO LONGER taking other people's failure as my fault.

it is clear as day ... and I only repeat myself once now and have to withdraw.

But there was a little misunderstandings due to one tiny item not being communicated ... ie whether or not we were going swimming... and in 5 minutes WWIII erupted.

My son let it rip .. and said a whole lot of shocking things which he had to say to get out of his system for his own sanity but they were horrible and not really fair on me. I was the recipient, as usual of all the rage... so I didnt sleep. But I can do the performances in my sleep (metaphorically) so that part didnt worry me.

They also got through the performance ... a bit exhausted ... I did let madam know some of the behaviours which violated my boundaries but also very clear that I felt a duty of care to her and made some suggestions re DBT for her and to talk to her psychologist about it.

However .. I was triggered into a fully out of control panic attack and also "let it rip". I dont feel sorry about it ... I am pretty sure that if a few simple requests had been agreed to rather than argued with it would have been fine. I tried to get respect and give warnings that I was getting more and more vulnerable.

One trigger was when she told me off for not knowing the type of heating she had in her home ... I had only been there once ... I am wearying of her arrogance and said quite a few times that her family was very arrogant and how much contempt I have for middle class BS. Of course during it all I also said one cant generalise and some people and some behaviours are good. A lot of it with her is inexperience .. but she should be more tentative not so presumtuous.

We try and cajole the young and empower them and make them feel confident etc ... but sometimes the "know it all" aspect is a real problem.

For 48 hours it was very much horns locking ... later I could make the points that she is very strong and not fall back into her "I am vulnerable" refrain... my son and I are vulnerable too.

It may not have finished completely though things settled down a lot and we had a lovely drive and swim on the way home. her tendency to want to take over and elbow me out is not very conscious in her ... and she also does really lovable things for me and my son ... so all we can do ... is live let live and try... but it is not all in my mind.

I had to tell a couple of people as I was a bit over whelmed.... a minister and fellow music teacher.

I also had a weird serendipity moment... that I am curious about the SANE readers opinions on.

After we decided we needed space in the choir ... I moved back a row and sat next to a lady I had known distantly for 7 years .. been an accompanist for her in another choir .. but she reminded me she worked in local hospital ... and had recognised me ... I had forgotten the little incident ... as it was during my son's one and only psychotic episode 2 years ago. She didnt push the point and was quite professional .. but said she understood why I wanted to drop down and watch my son's face as he was singing the Matador's chorus ... that I wasnt just being a boring stage mum ... isnt that a weird coincidence? He doesnt need to know .. maybe it is the end of something for my family ... I am getting closure on a lot of things.

Hi @Appleblossom

What a huge event, though as usual im really impressed with your self reflection and how you coped at the time too. You're right, i think, your son went back into the habit of letting out that anger directed at you,i guess he knows he cant lose you... Your sons girl sounds very defensive and unable to think reflectively on the spot, hopefully this will get better with time and experience... You're spot on that its not in your head!

I'm glad that you had a couple of people that you were able to confide in, in person, that is so helpful in externalising the situation a bit and getting some space from it. Glad things are settling, but also glad in a way that its not forgotten either, as that would be almost disrespectful of the impact of the event itself and nothing would change. Hopefully messages do sink in...

Well we are moved into the new place and have some new furbabies! but cant get photos off of my phone to upload! sigh! will work it out tomorrow!

LJ

PROUD of YOU @Appleblossom

You had every right to be who you are with DIL..........(daughter in Law)

Can you just stop spending time with her? Can you say...I feel I upset you too much and as an older woman, I need to be the one to respect myself......sounds b.i.t.c.......maybe something else????

I am quite shocked at her behaviour.

Love how you write this..... and she also does really lovable things for me and my son ... so all we can do ... is live let live and try... but it is not all in my mind.

Blooming heck. my message is going to be deleted because Of the almost swearing.........

My new furbabies!!

Your furbabies are so cute @Former-Member!

Today I am thankful for my rest day that is coming up tomorrow. I plan on sleeping in!

hugs @Jacques thank you, I really hope that tomorrow is a better day for you. be gentle and kind to yourself 🙂

Lovely furbabies!

Thank you @Former-Member and @PeppiPatty for the feedback about 4 nights away with son and girlfriend. The lovable thing she did was set up a tent for me. She wanted to camp on the first night. I was happy to go along with camping if I did not have to erect tents and had proper bedding. She was thorough about doing the camping and a good influence on my son by getting him to get in contact with nature. Then we stayed 3 nights in a cabin with ensuite during the rehearsal and concert period.

I am not sure that they will get married or how serious it will be .. so she is not really a DIL. They are both innocents and hug and cuddle a lot.

It means a lot for me to be able to share this stuff as I have been alone as single mum for 15 years and have mainly only had professionals to talk to about things, but just being me is important.

Today I had a double session with newish GP. We had tagged it for dealing with my nedck issues and I brought in all the medical imaging dating from 2000. She was impressed that I had it all and made some good suggestions re shared care. so I will get 2 physio and 3 osteo sessions per year. Up until now I have mostly been paying for it. I think the GP is thorough. She was also pleased at the way I was handling tranquiliser and antidep. So that is a heap of worry off my shoulders ... that I have transitioned to a good new GP.

Dear @Former-Member we are all batting for you with your family in your new house and new job.

Good morning, @Terry. I'm responding to your 'blessings' post here as it's where we all talk about our gratitude. I like your long list of things to like about your life in the other thread. Today I'm grateful once again to @Former-Member who introduced me to adult colouring books. I was doing some this morning and last night. I've also expanded it to include freeform drawing of lines and shapes on blank pages, which I then colour, or paint with watercolor pencils. Working with colour is delightful and really does calm down that nervousness I seem to have within me most of the time. Also brings back some good memories of childhood, when I used to like colouring in too. Thanks again LJ!