Jupiter11Casual Contributor
Despression/ Eating Disorder
I have suffered depression on and off through out my life, but it was always worse in the years that followed the birth of my children. I couldn't cope after my first and second child were born. I was frustrated, didn't feel close to them, cried all the time and wanted to self harm. But after going through the suicide of my own father, I knew that was a pain I couldn't pass to my children. They were the only reason I chose to stay that day. My husband and I were never quite the same. From then on he didn't trust me and we fought constantly.
Moving forward a few years and my third child was born. Her pregnancy was emotionally hard as I dealt with the possibility she wouldn't survive. I cried when she was born healthy. A few weeks after she was born, my husband of 11years moved out and I felt myself emotionally falling into a heavy depression. Determined not to go through it a third time, knowing my children deserved better and they also needed a mum to be strong as they dealt with their own feelings of the seperation, I turned to food for comfort. On the surface, I managed to escape post partum depression as well as go through a painful seperation mostly unscathed. I was congratulated at how well I was coping with the changes.
But sugary food became my way of coping. I eat in secret. I eat in my car when I am on own. I eat a hidden stash of food at night when the kids are in bed. I buy 2 meals at the fast food store, one little, one large, so the cashiers think the large is for someone else. I don't eat around other people, quoting how I am watching my weight, but then eat as much as I can when I get home. I will eat a whole 1L ice cream on my own in one sitting. I will eat 4 cans of creamed rice, with custard, one after the other. I will buy and stash chocolate biscuits and chocolate bars at home, in my bathroom to eat in the shower or in bed.
I need help and don't know where to turn. I am so embarrassed and ashamed and can't stop even though I know I should. please help
