Newbie supporting my 18yr old son

Wow @Altogether !

A roller coaster of emotions for you!

It must be so hard, for fear of doing the wrong thing, but wanting to help?

I found this fact sheet by Sane, about 'How to help when someone is suicidial'.

https://www.sane.org/information/factsheets-podcasts/434-sane-steps-how-to-help-when-someone-is-suicidal

Also, I thought you might find one of the previous topic Tuesdays conversations useful, 'What if they don't want help?'. Although not specifically on suicide, it might resonate with you. This conversation is now closed, however feel free to prompt any of the members by using the @ symbol before their name if you'd like to chat.

http://saneforums.org/t5/Special-Events/TOPIC-TUESDAY-What-if-they-don-t-want-help-Session-now-finished/m-p/12423#M243

Please share with us some more of your story, and what you might have already tried?

Look forward to your response.

Best wishes

Karma

Welcome and look around.

It is a lot on your plate. I am struggling to define boundaries and provide the right level of support fand distance for my 22 yo son. No easy answers, but we do have a rich life together. Mine is currently a simple just mother and son household. Good Luck. Use the strengths of extra people around him, but find a link cos even at 18 it helps to know mum loves you.

Ok. That 'What if they don't want help' thread brought tears that I struggled with! But it was insightful and I copied the poem. It's scary. I still want to belive that this is a 'short term' thing. I probably sound really naive to the more experienced here. 😞

I divorced when my son was young. I didn't PAS my ex. (speak badly about him) He and his family did it a lot in front of the kids, when he had them, which was every other weekend to start with. However when my kids were with their dad my daughter did a lot of protecting of her brother. (she's 2 years older and one of those natural born carers!) So he was protected at home by me, and at his dad's his sister tried to do the same. And believe me, there were definitely things for them both to be protected from.

However, I wonder if that has not helped him in the long run? He avoids issues so much. He has been avoiding for years. I couldn't even write out our 'timeline' because it is huge. I've had to do it for psychs for the kids before and although there's no physical abuse or anything like that, its' still more than any kid should have to have gone through.

The divorce, the PAS, the rejection, me working full time to support us, us moving in with my now husband and kids, more rejection from their dad, (as the years went on he had the kids more infrequently and it took it's toll on them both), conflict at home due to adult stuff, (we TRY to keep it from them, but it's hard), my ex settles down and then my husband's starts up, more conflict from that. (and much, much more in between and since) And now, here we are. As a result of avoidance.

But my son is just so angry at me. We had an incident a while ago, where my ex threatened numerous things and I had to inform my son what the risk was. He blamed me and was angry at me. I asked if they'd talked about it the next time they caught up for dinner, but nope, they both acted like it hadn't happened!!

Sigh................

My son is also on ADD meds as of this year which I don't think mix well with his extreme anxiety, but we'll look at that. Not taken properly they increase his anger which is pretty much directed at me. Which I am trying not to take personally.

But I still want to believe this is temporary! 😞

I just had a look at your 'special events' board and that looks like it could have a lot of good info too. So glad I was directed here.

Hi @Altogether,

Welcome to the SANE Forums and thank-you for sharing with us.

I'm sorry to hear that your son is having a difficult time at the moment. It sounds like you are questioning whether protecting him has contributed to his pattern of avoidance. There are many factors that can contribute to someone being avoidant and it may not be directively associated with any one thing. You and your daughter both have one a great job in looking after your son and the important thing here is exactly what @Appleblossom has said, that your son knows that you love and care for him. From your posts I have no doubt that he knows this. You have done an amazing job in supporting him and trying to do what is best for him. it is great that your son's father is now on the same page and involved with what is happening at the moment.

As mentioned before, you do have alot on your plate at the moment and i imagine having some 'me' time would be quite difficult. Are there things that you like to do to look after yourself @Altogether?

Rockpool

Thanks @Former-Member.

For the last week, when someone has asked me that, I've been saying that I will look after me next, once I've gotten through this. If I start thinking too hard about how I feel, I will crack. And with everything that is going on, I can't afford to do that.

My head did start to crumble a bit yesterday, and that's why I called a helpline, found ARAFMI and then found here. It helped. I'm still feeling a little 'fragile' today, so have to work out how to get my shit together again!

Honestly, I do have support if I need it. We have a wonderful family psych, but I just can't do it yet. Not to mention that I would rather give my appointments over to other family members if need be. (because of the medicare limit, I know I'm not meant to do that) My husband has just gone on anti-d's a month ago too and is having regular counselling, so for now, I'll just wait.

I'm going to try to get back in the routine of walking my puppy twice a day. I don't like exercise but she loves it and it keeps the weight of me so I do it. She's my sanity saver. She's 3 years old now but we call her our 'grandbaby'. She's the one who can do anything and not be in trouble and is spoilt rotten!

Thank you for caring. I'm glad I've found here. x

Hi @Altogether it is great to see you have found these Forums helpful. It sounds like you are kind of in 'survival mode' at the moment... putting one step in front of the other and doing all you can to be there for your son. You sound like such a committed parent, I really admire your strength.

It is good to hear you are connected with a trusted family psych who you can call upon when the time is right for you. I love that the helpline put in touch with ARAFMI too. Perhaps you have also heard of Carers Australia? (Website: http://www.carersaustralia.com.au/). They are another well regarded organisation that can offer support if needed.

In addition to these professional support services, I wonder if you have heard much about the concept of self-care before? I had a brainwave a couple of years ago about the concept of 'self-care'. For a long time I considered self-care to be a sort of soft or self-indulgent concept... but I have totally had a change of heart. Now, I proudly proclaim myself as the QUEEN of self-care - hehe! 🙂 I am not sure if you know much about this concept, but for me self-care means any intentional actions I can take towards caring for my own physical, mental and emotional health. Oftentimes these actions can be quite simple, and need not take up a lot of time, or cost a lot of money. Of course, everybody's definition of self-care is different and unique. Some of the more simple things I do for self care include:

• Wearing a favourite piece of jewellery
• Taking a nap, or having an early night
• Taking a loooong shower
• Drinking herbal tea
• Texting or calling a friend
• Cooking a favourite meal
• Watering the garden

@Altogether these are just some of my ideas, but I am sure you could edit or add to this list some other ideas that are relevant for you. @Altogether I wonder... as you walk through this crisis period with your son, what might be one self-care practice you could implement for yourself?

"Survival mode". That's a good way to put it.

I'm not terribly good at self care, never have been. But I am trying to get back to walking the puppy because that does make me feel good and gets me away from things, even for just, 20 or 30 min.

I'm thinking about going to see my close friend on the weekend. It's just hard at the moment because I'm not keen on leaving my son here on his own, without at least having him up and having started his day.

If he manages to get going early enough tomorrow, I'm going to go see my mum too.

I'm rather tragic aren't I? All I have as a regular thing is getting out with my puppy once or twice a day!!