Seperating Illness From The Person - New Member Intro.

Thanks for the join.

I have seen so many others put up their stories that I thought that it would be worthwhile to put up mine.
Luckily I have been in a lot better situation than some of the stories I have read on this forum. I am very grateful for that.

At the moment I am on my last script of anti-depressants. This is after a combination of a business failure with the associated financial pressure but also my wife having what I now know to be a manic episode, that contributed to alot of the stress that got me to this point.

The reason I have joined ARAFMINSW is because it is only in the last year that I discovered that my wife suffers from the effects of Bi-Polar Type II disorder. For the last 10 years I have managed to notice and work with my wife through her ongoing depressive episodes. These really became more pronounced after the birth of our children.

But during that time my wife would display behaviours that I had described to others as OCD like. When my business failed it also had us close to losing my marriage. There was alot of anger on my behalf. I was stressed off the richter scale, trying to financially support us. For me to loose my business/occupation and almost my marriage in the same month was really the same as loosing my identity (as these were the 2 most important things in my life).

In anger one day I told my wife I wasn't responsible for her mental health anymore, that she would need to get the help she needed (as she would often stop getting help as soon as the depression disappeared). Full credit to her, she saw a psychiatrist for the first time and eventually was diagnosed being effected by Bipolar II.

We finally had a name for what was going on. For both of us it was like someone switched the light on, and some much of the past made sense.

But then I slipped into depression myself a month later. The relief had worn off and the realisation of our financial difficulties set in.

I have learnt alot in the mean time (some with professional help, and some just with some distance from the events):

• I am not my marriage.
• I am not my work.
• I am not responsible to my wifes moods.
• I need to put myself 1st. In a true non selfish sense.
• I can lean alot more on friends and external support professionals than I thought I could.

Since then my financial situation has turned around. I am working hard to setup a stable base from which all other things in my life can rest.
But that stable base is myself.

I am meditating, booking monthly get togethers with mates, seeing a psych, educating myself about my wifes triggers and creating backup plans of action should they occur. I am also starting to explore some hobbies for myself (some I can do alone, others that require me to get out with others). Changing my diet and excercising more. Also said yes to getting a puppy for the family, which is great because it is taking focus off us and placing it on something fun (and challenging).

I feel I still have some way to go to improve and repair my relationship with my wife. I need to balance my wifes situation, recognising it but at the same time not using it for an excuse for everytime something she does rubs me the wrong way, and also not to label her with it like a prison sentence but just to realise it is something that overlies her normal personality and effects her. It isn't her.

So with that in mind I am interested particularly in anyone who has ideas, opinions, perspectives on:
how to seperate the illness from the person I love. (i.e. what works for you?)
how not to use this label across the board. And let it spoil what is normal behaviours in marriage.
hereditary factors in bi-polar and any research in this. (Its a concern for me as my children are at primary school age).

Thanks for lending an ear.

PS: To the moderators keep up the great work. You don't realise how many unregistered users may be viewing the forum, as I have been for the last year, before signing up and adding a voice.