Hi I'm new here

Thank you for your advice I've decided to not do treatment. It's going to be a long weekend for me. Not one inch of sleep and every sleep hygiene tool I've done. And chain smoking stressed out and moody. Yuk. My housemate and I nearly had fight over tobacco this morning. I have money on keycard but I am not in fit state to go out. Anyway we didn't fight, but mentally he doesn't know how unwell I feel. He can't read my mind and I get more support here and it's healthier for the home that way. Anyway my story seeing as this is anonymous I can share this hopefully with support rather than assumed minds judging me. I moved country interstate with my ex and newborn and toddler to his family in hope of a new beginning I was in DVD and unaware really though outsiders told me. But under control mentally with him that I left my house and sold everything to fund trip up north from south. Well long story short once I was isolated DV got worse. That was 2007, it ended with two trips to DV unit. With kids. The last visit to DV unit ended with me having to go to hospital cos I reacted to A sleeper. During that stay my eldest now 4 told me in child way dad and his parents were sexually abusing him and his brother. Don't know if it was once or anything else. Anyway foster care was promised and was reassured that be for the best. There was no court orders in place. Mental health checked me over I was cleared and sent back to dv unit . On my return hours later I tried my secret code to get in and it didn't work so I knocked on other shelter that was for women without children and they let me in. I rang the after hour number to get a worker to get my boys 2 and 4 years old. She drove over and told me to sit down. The next news haunts me to this day. My ex and his parents have the kids. Wtf. I was hysterical. I had been to cou I two days before but eldest was taken away from me to strange room 4 questioning. This boy wasn't socialised we were isolated. He only told me when we were away at DV unit. Anyway that was may2009. Family court scrutinised me I presented with anxiety and I was the worst mentally than ever. They believed my ex and gave him full custody. Now its2017 I see my boys once a fortnight for two hours supervised, not allowed to go to their school, two phone calls a week that I get rarely and one photo a year only . And worse yet where I see my children don't make reports for court. That's their policy. I have heaps behind me. NGO workers etc and time has made it easier just bit numb now. Anyway it's 8 years now. They were 2 and 4 when I lost them. Even if you don't believe my story I was a well mum and I just had DV trauma. And no support networks. DV unit was hopeless didn't even give me info on dv. My boys are great they are my heroes. Unfortunately until recently each goodbye time my eldest would get distressed and hide. Now they both ok with leaving. Everything is documented. But now he's starting playing mind games again stalking me. But I can't get a dvo cos I can't get him angry cos he's got my sons. I never bag him out to my sons cos no matter ATM they love him. And my mum brainwashed me to hating my dad when she was the one at fault ,anyway I have a tattoo that says for the sake of my sons. So I don't suicide in this despair and I fight to stay sane in this insane situation.

And I can't get unwell. Also I got funded this year for mediation he declined now if I want funding I have to do therapy with clinical Physcologist. Which is ok but I have no faith in the system. I go to a centre for mental health during the week to volunteer and I get support there. So that's good. Got to count the good stuff and when I came here I knew no one now I have a small network of friends from that centre. And I live around heaps of people so he won't do anything in front of anyone. I'm not feeling suicidal which is great I feel as if mania is coming and last was 2014. Where I went physcotic for 6 months. Service so bad here that I got a public nuisance charge and trespass when I went to hospital to get help. And spent night in watch house. I had to fly help from my dad to my hometown to get treatment. And I just hated being away for a year til I got well for my sons. So mental health don't want a bar of me. Say I'm stable you have to attempt suicide to get help here. No lie. Mate well least I'm getting out what's in my head sorry I'm so full on.

Thank you