Jane9Senior Contributor
Terribly sad ending
After 4 years and 3 months together, I've finally given up and it's devastating. I do love my now ex partner (with bi polar, and probably BPD ) and she loves me but I haven't coped for so long despite excellent individual therapy and couples counselling. I haven't managed being with someone who is both loving and mean. It's been confusing and damaging. Our constant conflict hurt us both.
She has the most compassionate and thoughtful nature I've ever seen on some days /hours and then the worst rage, blame and anger at the other times. I felt consistently pushed and pulled by her demands for attention, possessiveness and feelings of abandonment when I was taking a couple of days of respite leave after a fight to see my mother interstate. She controlled her environment to feel safe and secure but the result was that I felt controlled and unable to make choices for myself in the home, her house (as she refused to leave her old rental)
When I had serious needs and worries like having to talk to my ageing father with Parkinson's about wills and power of attorney, her needs would always trump mine. Her cat was dying at the same time. I started a new job after years working for myself and yet her job worries trumped mine. I gave myself over to her needs and lost myself in her world and home until my own mental health suffered. I lost my confidence, my sense of purpose and my sleep suffered with ongoing stress. I couldn't stop crying. I was always worried about her potential mood changes. I lost myself.
I feel such guilt that I couldn't cope, that I became angry and defensive when I felt harmed by her behaviour, when she really can be very nice. My attempts at boundary setting quickly deteriorated in the end into a repetitive reactive pattern of resentment and victimhood.
How could I get angry with someone with childhood trauma experiences? Is a carer allowed to be disgruntled and angry? How much can we expect our partner to change? Are they able to change? I just want to think about myself for a while. Does that make me a bad person?
I have just left the most interesting and loving person I've ever known yet my head says it's the right decision to look after my own needs first for a change. She's gone into private hospital as she's not coping. It's just so sad.
She has the most compassionate and thoughtful nature I've ever seen on some days /hours and then the worst rage, blame and anger at the other times. I felt consistently pushed and pulled by her demands for attention, possessiveness and feelings of abandonment when I was taking a couple of days of respite leave after a fight to see my mother interstate. She controlled her environment to feel safe and secure but the result was that I felt controlled and unable to make choices for myself in the home, her house (as she refused to leave her old rental)
When I had serious needs and worries like having to talk to my ageing father with Parkinson's about wills and power of attorney, her needs would always trump mine. Her cat was dying at the same time. I started a new job after years working for myself and yet her job worries trumped mine. I gave myself over to her needs and lost myself in her world and home until my own mental health suffered. I lost my confidence, my sense of purpose and my sleep suffered with ongoing stress. I couldn't stop crying. I was always worried about her potential mood changes. I lost myself.
I feel such guilt that I couldn't cope, that I became angry and defensive when I felt harmed by her behaviour, when she really can be very nice. My attempts at boundary setting quickly deteriorated in the end into a repetitive reactive pattern of resentment and victimhood.
How could I get angry with someone with childhood trauma experiences? Is a carer allowed to be disgruntled and angry? How much can we expect our partner to change? Are they able to change? I just want to think about myself for a while. Does that make me a bad person?
I have just left the most interesting and loving person I've ever known yet my head says it's the right decision to look after my own needs first for a change. She's gone into private hospital as she's not coping. It's just so sad.
