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No ending in sight.

Exhausted1Senior Contributor27 July 2017, 10:32 pm AEST

No ending in sight.

Hi all, I am new here and im simply exhausted. I have two sons, 18 & 23.

The 23 year old is a diagnosed BPD, has drug & alcohol issues, is a self harmer and wants everyone to feel as terrible as he does ( he admits this) Contant cutting, terrorising myself and his 18 year old brother, suicide attempts, multiple calls a day, smashing things and last fornight he had 3 ambulances trips to the hospital in one week due to either wanting to not live any longer or close to over dosing. He is manipulative, argumentative, a constant liar and very cunning. I had to kick him out two years ago as he sent me to the edge and my other son was suicidal because of his behaviour. He was 21. I have PTSD from him. He says he loves me but there is no empathy for what he puts us through, he is narcassistic ( diagnosed) - he only cares about him. He may not live at home but he still is some what financially dependent and he is draining what little life I have left in me.

The 18 year old is diagnosed Bipolar II. He doesn't go to school and doesn't work. He is turning to marijuana, he is medicted and had had 2.5 years of weekly or fortnightly visits to a Pschologist. He is up and down still, refusing to look for work or do any courses. He is also manipulative but much better than his brother as he is funny and can be sweet. BUT lately he will not listen and just shuts me down. He rants a lot and his moods depcit the mood of the house.

I am a single mum and have been for the past 8 years. Their Father doesn't support them, emotionally or financially and hasn't since the divorce so I am on my own.

I work full time and Im going to have to get another job, casual, to work after hours and on weekends as I cannot make ends meet any longer.

I know they have mental health issues and I am as supportive as I can be but I am so sick of it. I feel used and abused. I feel that I am taken for granted and I am just burnt out. I cannot explain how exhausted i am from 8 years of this alone. How much can one take?

I have had issues recently with my eldest sons ex girlfriend, who also has severe mental health and drug and alcohol issues, in that she is texting and calling and threatening suicide etc. I have tried my best to help her but she is so nasty and vindictive that I have had to let go.

I personally had a normal loving upbrining, no drug or alcohol issues so this has been a huge learning curve for me. 8 years on and I am at the end of my tether. I dont want this life anymore. I love my boys but I dont like who they either are or are becoming. I am scared of my eldest son. My youngest can be a lovely boy but so draining.

I want to run away but feel that I can't. I am drowning in responsibility and pain and neither of them care enough to try and help. That hurts.

26 replies

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In response to: No ending in sight.

OrdinaryDadCasual Contributor07 Aug 2017, 11:13 pm AEST

Re: No ending in sight.

Hang in there and realise that you are not alone but it is hard. Make sure you are pro active and are looking after yourself and allowing yourself some me time whether it is in your caring role or even if you can get some time out or respite even if it is only for a few minutes. You will benefit and it helps to reenergise. Contact with other Support groups can be helpful. This is the first time I've logged into Saneforums but I do empathise with you and realise how difficult and exhausting it can be when you are juggling a caring role and at the same time you are fearful for your safety as well as their wellbeing. My two eldest children suffer from similar problems. Currently I have been caring for my eldest daughter who suffers from BiPolar-Schizoaffective Disorder. The overwhelming paranoia and ruminating thoughts have been crippling for her and soul destroying. This time I have been her full time carer in her own home since a very very serious suicide attempt in February this year. It has been extremely hard on me and at times I have felt as though I am a displaced person and have to return to my home for a few hours, just to feel grounded and have some contact with the rest of my family and friends. At the same time I have a 36 yo son who was recently (last year) diagnosed as having Borderline Personality Disorder and also presenting with behaviour that just fell below the spectrum for autism and/or Aspergers. I wish that diagnosis had been assessed when he was a teenager and undergoing adolescent psychological Counselling for anger management. Unfortunately his unpredictable violent behaviour became unmanageable and the police had to intervene three times with two intervention orders being served against for our family's safety and protection. The first was served against him when he was 21 or 22, the second was served against him when he was 34. I have helped him out financially with bonds and monthly rentals in the past but there is a limit to what I can do and I just can't do it any more. He has rejected all forms of public or community housing and is staying in temporary accommodation in youth hostels which is not sustainable, affordable or conducive to his own wellbeing or recovery. If he wasn't violent I would be inclined to try some form of mediation but he doesn't seem to want to listen to reason especially with me so I have handed the responsibility back to the mental health care workers but no satisfactory resolution seems to have been gained. I am at my wit's end with the system and the current accommodation crisis not only for my son but many others with mental health and behavioural issues. I am at my wits end. I'm sorry I've ranted a bit but these issues don't go away and they do get to you. Because I do suffer circumstantial depression I do seek professional help proactively and I do attend GROW meetings which I have found personally helpful to me. GROW is a self help group for people who are having problems with mental health problems like depression. Look after yourself and take care. Sorry once again if I got lost in my own issues

In response to: Re: No ending in sight.

marchhareSenior Contributor07 Aug 2017, 11:54 pm AEST

Re: No ending in sight.

Hi OrdinaryDad, it is Marchhare here, one of the forum moderators. Thank you for giving support to another member and sharing your story with us about your family and your own struggles. I think your chosen modest name of OrdinaryDad belies your true description. Take care

In response to: No ending in sight.

OrdinaryDadCasual Contributor08 Aug 2017, 7:04 am AEST

Re: No ending in sight.

Thanks March Hare. Time to get up and start the day with ensuring morning meds are taken by both my daughter and me. And also to ensure that at least 3 balanced meals a day are taken by both of us . Walking the dog on a daily basis has helped maintain a healthy routine for both of us physically but it has also helped my daughter to push through and minimise her paranoia anxiety and panic attacks. It's a daily battle but there is gradual improvement and insight into her illness. There are a few steps forward and many steps backwards but bit by bit I can see and her support workers can see improvement. Unfortunately contact with my son is limited and is now estranged for my own sanity and self protection. There is guilt involved but at 36, he needs to take responsibility for his own actions which is one of the hardest things to do for certain types of people who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorders. He's in an unfortunate predicament where he has alienated himself from the rest of the family because of his argumentative and nasty behaviour where he turns against those people who are closest to him and have tried to help him in the past. Currently I have blocked him on the phone for a month but when I unblocked him he was fine for a very short time and then started to blame me for his life choices and current accommodation crisis so I've had to block him again. It is hard

In response to: Re: No ending in sight.

soulSenior Contributor08 Aug 2017, 8:11 am AEST

Re: No ending in sight.

Sorry to hear that your family has more than its fair share of mental health problems @OrdinaryDad. Good, though that you are proactive in managing them. Taking meds, eating healthily and getting exercise are all really great ways to facilitate that.

I get what you mean about your son. I left my BPD partner (there was physical abuse issues) and have since tried to help him but now have to focus on my own mental health and communication has to be restricted at times in order to do that.

In response to: Re: No ending in sight.

Exhausted1Senior Contributor09 Aug 2017, 8:48 pm AEST

Re: No ending in sight.

Hi @OrdinaryDad, I think you an extraorindary Dad. I wish my sons father would care about them like you do for your children. Your story really resonated with me, it made me think that could be my situation in another 10 years time. I think your rant was accurate, the system is not designed to support or help those in need in their time of need. There are wait times - sometimes months and when in crisis that is not good enough. I too have battled with my boys and the mental health systems, detox and withdrawal facilities etc. My eldest son that has just recently gone into rehab is doing well. I am so proud to say that it has been 7 weeks and that is the longest he has been clean in 8 years. He sounds good and he is taking his BPD meds and getting counselling. The relief I feel has tears flowing as I type this. He had to go through 7 days withdrawal before he could go into the rehab and I couldn't get him into anywhere in Vic. All had wait queues and he was in such a bad way that I knew I would lose him if I waited. I took 10 days off work and took him to my parents house and we locked it down with the 4 of us in there and stood united and strong to get him through the 7 days. It wasn't easy neither was it pretty but it worked.

Life feels easier in the sense that I can breathe a little better and i can now concentrate on my 18 year old son and help him move on on life. He is Bipolar 2 and has been also diagnosed very recently as BPD, that scares me as I am terrified of what my eldest put me through may replay with my younger son too.I am more educated on this now and he has had 2.5 years of counselling and is medicated so fingers crossed he will be able to live a clean, independant and happy life. Mental illness doesn't just go away, its there for a lifetime and that frightens me.

In response to: Re: No ending in sight.

soulSenior Contributor09 Aug 2017, 9:47 pm AEST

Re: No ending in sight.

Really feeling for you @Exhausted1 - you have struggled but have come out victorious. To detox your son like that must have been so difficult. I'm wondering who had it worse - your son who was going through the withdrawal or you who watched him and helped him through it?

No doubt there will be hard times ahead with two boys with mental illnesses. I hope you are taking time out to look after yourself and get the support you need.

In response to: Re: No ending in sight.

Exhausted1Senior Contributor18 Aug 2017, 8:37 pm AEST

Re: No ending in sight.

Im feeling exhausted tonight, sad and overwhelmed. I spoke to my son in rehab and he was not happy and once again saying how he ants out and that he is not staying for the 12 months. We argued about him thinking that he is all better and well- which he is so not and which is so wrong of me to react to him, and I get left feeling anxious and overwhelmed.

The fear I feel is so intense, I can never ever go through what I have again. I know i will not survive that yet I am not sure if I am strong enough to not 'help' him in his time of need. My son has no empathy and I have too much. I care too much and I dont know if I am able to walk away. I know I am no help to him at the moment as I am too damaged from him but what happens if he leaves rehab- He wil turn up at my door.

I can foresee disaster.

My 18 year old is giving up marijuana and I am exceptionally proud of him, he is withdrawing and his 'ranting' is out of control. He knows he is doing it but cannot control it. After working on phones and in a loud busy office all day I need to decompress but he is talking a hundred miles an hour whilst I am typing on here and trying to pay some attention to the mulitude of topics he is covering. This has been going for the past 3 days.

I just want a normal life, I want to escape mine. I dont want to be so traumatised and feel so raw.

Sorry for the pity party - its just overwhelmed me today.

In response to: Re: No ending in sight.

soulSenior Contributor18 Aug 2017, 10:29 pm AEST

Re: No ending in sight.

Wow @Exhausted1 - I feel tired just reading about what you're going through so you must feel decimated. You do need to remember to take care of yourself. You will be no good to anyone or yourself if you run yourself into the ground. Have you got anything nice planned for this weekend?

There is a lot of information on this website about self care and it's importance. Sometimes it is a good thing to know your limitations and allow others whether it be government agencies or whoever to take over at least some of the responsibility in getting your sons better.

Your mental health and no doubt physical health has suffered. You know the effects it had last time and are understandably worried. Do you have some friends and/or family that you can share the burden with? Even if it's just a bit of moral support.

When was the last time you sought some medical advice for yourself?

Thinking of you and hope that you get through this situation without too much trauma.

In response to: No ending in sight.

Exhausted1Senior Contributor18 Aug 2017, 10:55 pm AEST

Re: No ending in sight.

Thanks @soul. I do try to look after myself and I'm booked in for a massage tomorrow morning which I'm sooo looking forward to. I think that the years of coping with this alone have taken such a toll and I've never taken time to heal. I saw a psychologist years ago but financially I needed put the boys first and paid for their counselling and couldn't afford mine any longer. I need to remedy that and will look into it next week.
I feel embarrassed that I'm unable to cope and now unable to provide a comforting place for my eldest son. It feels like failure. I just know that I can't live through that again.
I do try to be positive and I'm blessed to have amazing friends but they have been holding my hand through years of this and I try not to burden them with it any more. There are times that it all just gets on top of me and I feel I can't cope.
I think I'm past having time out, I believe I need some serious therapy to get through this.
Thank you for listening - just that simple act had my tears flowing.

In response to: Re: No ending in sight.

soulSenior Contributor18 Aug 2017, 11:09 pm AEST

Re: No ending in sight.

I'm glad that you are having a massage tomorrow @Exhausted1. Last time I had one, I fell asleep. I kind of felt a bit cheated but I guess that I must have been very relaxed. It's nice to have something to look forward to even if it's a small thing.

Don't feel as if you are a failure. What you are going through isn't trivial in the slightest. It's a massive undertaking. You have tried so hard and at times it comes down to there being no more left in the tank to give.

Please do make the effort to see a doctor who can refer you to a psychologist. You can access some subsidised visits that way. It may be helpful. It's nice to have friends around for that support. I'm sure they would be willing to help out when you explain the situation you are in.

@lovemyboys and @Faith-and-Hope are both dealing with sons who have issues as well as many others on this Forum.

Be gentle on yourself.

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