No ending in sight.

Hi there @Exhausted1

Thank you for being brave and sharing your heartfelt story.

Undoubtedly you are strong considering everything you have already been through and still continue to go through.

First and foremost I hope you are safe. It mustn't be easy to feel in fear of your eldest son's actions so it is important that if you feel threatened you call '000'.

I sincerlely hope that you receive the support you are looking for from this forum. There are a lot of wonderfully genuine members on here.

Take care

Shel49

Hi @Exhausted1 - welcome to the forum. Little wonder that you feel the way you do. We may not have the answers but we can offer some empathy and friendship. Is there something that you gives you some respite from what must be so draining for you? I hope that you are taking some time out to look after yourself. There is only so much stress and anxiety a person can handle and it seems like you have more than your fair share of it.

Welcome @Exhausted1

I'm really glad you found this community. Self care is so important... but as many here will atest to, it's so hard to do that when we are relied on so much.

Here is a good starting point on information about self care. I'm sure a lot of other members here can share their strategies too.

I just wanted to flag that in the Forums one of our guidelines is not disclosing specific methods of self harm, but you post seemed to have flown under the radar, so I thought I'd just flag it for next time. You can read our community guidelines here

Again - welcome - I hope you find this community helpful.

Hi @Exhausted1

I can relate to what you are going through as my daughter has been diagnosed with BPD and bi-polar, is addicted to drugs also. The drugs play a big role in their mental health deterioration.

Our daughter no longer smashes things, manipulates or violent because we don't tolerate it anymore (she was like your son at 16 - we took a AVO out against her and she has stayed in a refugee for awhile as we had to put her out). She did eventually come home stating she will keep the rules but she didn't and put us through hell for years. She then at 20 entered into a abusive relationship which ended in a suicide attempt. I am still getting over the psychological trauma but was there for her throughout.

Even though she is not acting out violently anymore she is still drug addicted, manipulative, occasionally verbally abusive, lazy (does nothing to help), a liar and is undergoing dangerous and sometimes illegal activities. So once again we have calmly asked her to leave, stating that we will be there for her when she cleans her act up. We have let her know we will always love her but can no longer live with her. We have done our best by her helping her every way we know how for years - but she continues to make poor choices that have detrimental effects on her mental health and all in the household. We deserve a life too and our adult children need to learn that there are boundaries they cannot cross in life starting in the home.

As hard as it is (I know the grief, the hurt and how soul destroying it all is) to find peace and a life for yourself you will need to put your foot down, make boundaries and consequences if they are crossed. If that means ringing the police then that is what we have to do. Mental illness or not abuse is never to be tolerated. And our children need to take responsibility for there actions and their health and stop abusing drugs and seek proper help. This self destructive behaviour will never seize while we enable them to do so. Sometimes we need to hit rock bottom to heal and better ourselves and lives. If your boys don't start helping or abiding by your rules they may need to find somewhere else to live. You have done all you can and deserve some peace and happiness.

I am not sure if your eldest son still lives with you but if not and he uses drugs - don't give him any money as that is manipulation. We calmly say to our daughter without arguing "sorry, we don't have it" or simply "no we can't" to her demands. It's hard but it will make them stand on their own two feet "as the adults they are" and hopefully down the track become better people. Giving into my daughter's demands in the past I learnt was making her more empowered helping her to turn into a monster. They are using and abusing us an it has to stop. Emotionally gruelling but if we don't the situation will just get worse and out of hand. Sometimes even end in tragedy.

I really feel for you being in the same situation. If it goes on too long it can cost us our own mental and physical health. It comes to a time where tough love has to be enacted. Wishing you strength and eventually some peace and happiness that you are also entitled to. Hugs

One woman and 2 disturbed young men.

Yes we can get PTSD in the family home. It is impossible not to be effected when there is so much distress and acting out.... even if we try and be careful about being over-reactive. I have struggled with a lot of the dilemnas you raise.

I feel conflicted about "liking" your post, because it is such a difficult situation. Maybe one day the site designers can provide more options in reacting to a post.

Take Care

Thinking about the space between the flowers ... and hope eventually your sons find good and decent individual life paths.

Thank you to everyone for your support, youe empathy and kind words. It is a horrible battle in which many of us face and I needed to vent the other night because it all got on top of me, which it tends to do and it seems to do much more often of late. I am finding that I am not able to be as patient as i was years ago with this drama, I feel so burnt out and I'm start to feel resentful. I resent being the one to hold it all together, being that we are all adults now but I am the only one adulting. I know my sons haver mental health issues but I just want to run away. Just taking a few days away makes me cry that I have to go back to it. I often find myself sobbing in the car in the garage because I dont want to go inside and deal with it all again.

My sons have no empathy and the eldest says that 'its not that bad, there are others worse than me'. My youngest is smarter and more cunning, he works me like dough. He knows when to cry because of how hard it is to have bipolar 2 and knows how soft I am and that I will crumble and try and do everything possible for him. I can be my own worst enemy and I know that. Its hard to change when it both of your kids (adults now) that are affected.

I am becoming more aware of my reactions and trying to set tougher boundaries. Its not easy when you are tired and alone to fight it all.

ps - my eldest has just gone into a rehab, he hates it but is still there.

Thanks Over the Edge, it really is different getting advice from people that have 'walked in your shoes' so to say. I appreciated your advice and agree, I am trying to set tougher boundaries. I just feel so steam rolled at times and so darn exhausted that I have no resistance left.

I agree that it is soul destroying, I often feels so depleted. I did kick my eldest out and it was one of the hardest things I have had to do. Luckily I was quite numb at the time, I had a breakdown and this was good because I didn't soften like I normally would. I dont remember a lot from that time, it was traumatic but it was past needed. He is now ( very recently as a few weeks ago) in rehab due to having no where else to go and hates it but is still there. I am terrified that he will just be on my doorstep in the next few days as he will walk out. I have told him I will not take him in and I wont but I dont want to be tested as my heart would simply shatter at turning him away - especially in the cold.

I am hanging in there but Im scared because mental health likes this doesn't just magically go away. I get very depressed and it scares me when I acknowledge that this is for a lifetime - there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Only more darkness.

Hey @Exhausted1 - vent all you like here. If it helps you in any way, you will always find someone on these forums that will lend an empathetic ear. It may not solve your problems but it could just make them that tiny bit more bearable.

Sounds like your kids are playing you like a fiddle and even though you recognise that, I know it is hard to turn your back on them. Hope the rehab for your older son works.

Take care of yourself - really take care of yourself. If you can't break away, try to take some mini breaks more often.