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Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor15 July 2017, 1:02 am AEST

Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor11 Dec 2017, 8:15 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Me either @Bunniekins dont worry
As long as your cool or cold is all

@Sans911 💖💖

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

NikNikSenior Contributor11 Dec 2017, 10:16 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Morning everyone,

I have noticed that this thread has gone considerably off topic.

I understand - it happens

It would be great though if we move back onto topic and respect @Sans911 original intent of the thread. It can also be quite confusing, particularly for new memebrs, seeing the subject line of this thread and then the recent content.

More social interaction can happen over in the allocated 'Social Spaces' discussion topic.

Hope to see you all over there 🙂

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

BunniekinsSenior Contributor11 Dec 2017, 10:19 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@NikNik Sorry @Sans911 and sorry NikNik I do tend to talk like a headless pea sometimes I do apologise.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor11 Dec 2017, 12:10 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Thinking of you @Sans911 and hoping today is a little easier ...... 💐💕

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor11 Dec 2017, 12:41 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

hugs @Sans911 if you want to chat we are here for you

i know weekends are hard for you

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Bubbles3Senior Contributor11 Dec 2017, 12:45 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@NikNik is onto everyone today. out on full force

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Bubbles3Senior Contributor11 Dec 2017, 12:46 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

that was a joke to @NikNik

unfortionally you know i like to sh*t stir

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor11 Dec 2017, 10:09 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Former-Member @outlander @Former-Member @Former-Member @Bunniekins @Faith-and-Hope

Sorry that I've have had to have time away from my lovely forum family. And no replies telling me NOT to be sorry! I've missed being a support and just generally being around. Unfortunately I couldn't fight off my SI urges over the weekend just gone, and the unavailability of help lines led to my frustration and self harm. I didn't know until I was discharged from hospital on Sunday that my house mate had found me collapsed in the corridor & called for an ambulance. The level of guilt & was shame that goes with this is adding more fuel to my SI thoughts. It's getting harder to hold on.

I feel like a gigantic dissapointment to everyone including myself. I'm really tired and frustrated feeling this way. I have no idea how to make the thoughts go away, but I wish they would.

I really want to be here (on the forums), but it's hard.

@outlander - I'd like to help you with that list tommorow if you want. Just because I've been away doesn't mean I've forgotten about you or it, and I think I have some workable solutions that might help. I saw you've had some difficult days. I've been watching over everyone. Mostly couldn't respond much due to blurred vision.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember11 Dec 2017, 10:18 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911I am sorry that you had to go through that on the weekend, knowing that you would have been alone. You are not a dissapointment at all. You are trying your hardest whilst going through some extremely crappy times. All we can do is keep trying and hope that we can hold on.

We know you are with us even when you are not here. That is enough for know. Look after yourself first hun, you are so important to me (us).

I wish I could sit next to you and wrap my arms around you and tell you I am there for you. But on here will have to be enough. So big hugs for you sweetie, I am not letting go

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor11 Dec 2017, 10:35 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Former-Member @outlander @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Zoe7

I've been involved in a car bingle today, and while neither my house mate or I were injured, the car had significant rear end damage requiring a tow. My insurance had actually lapsed well over a month ago & when I rang to re-establish it, it was going to cost me $120 extra. After a good search, I finally managed to secure my car insurance last Friday. So it did feel decidedly weird today ringing them to make a claim. On top of that, I was just discussing a video I'd seen of another truck VS. Car crash. Providence?

It already feels strange seeing no car in the drive. Thank goodness my mother is coming this week. She flies interstate on Friday for a month, so I can use her car.

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