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Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor15 July 2017, 1:02 am AEST

Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember19 Nov 2017, 4:08 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911around hun if you want to talk

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor19 Nov 2017, 4:25 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander - if I do something here in the hospital, which I've already contemplated and considered, I'll cop a nurse special (yep, I've had one of those before), and I'll definitely won't get home. I don't have my car keys and I've no money at all, so I can't even walk out the fkn door, dammit to get a bus or train home.

I don't even know if the respite centre will allow me back based on my level of safety right now, so I may be discharged from there anyway. When my clothing & other stuff came over, it was obvious my pj shirt was worn by the other woman in my room, as it smelt very strongly of cigarettes. I rang the respite centre to complain about it, but the nurse didn't seem very concerned and refused to speak to this person. So to say I'm a little upset about that is an understatement. When I was a young child I never had any of my own clothes, or much else. They were always handed down, and even those clothes (but especially new ones) were always stolen by other children in the care home.

I have an appointment with my suicide prevention counsellor tommorrow morning at 9:30 am and I know that trying to get out to get to that appointment is going to be incredibly difficult because it will be at handover time, AND Monday morning. So, if I can leave tonight would be better.

I'm just frustrated right now, so sorry for my ramblings. Nothing will change from being in hospital or at home re: my level of safety. It just is the way things are right now. I don't want to be like this, I feel I really don't need to be, but I feel powerless to know how to make things better.

And with all this us an acute awareness of how much others are having difficulties every moment, every day. So please don't respond to that.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember19 Nov 2017, 4:34 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911you have no reason to say sorry. They are not ramblings, they ae your thoughts and you have every right to say them.

It does not matter what I/others are going through, I/we can still be here for you and WANT to be here for you

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor19 Nov 2017, 4:35 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 id rather you be safe. How would you get to your appt tomorrow? I know that helped you last time so its probably beneficial for you to go. But im worried about your safety too.

Wow really!? I would never touch anyones clothes or belonging unless they asked me to. That would be upsetting fo anyone esp since no permission was asked. Quite disrespectful really.

Ramble away. Your allowed to. This is what here is for. To sort out your thoughts and anything else 💜

I do hope that things will improve for you. I have those hopes written on my heart beacuse you are so worth it 💜

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor19 Nov 2017, 4:53 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander @Former-Member

I would catch a bus near my home; I've done it before. I have a few dollars in silver coins I could rustle up.

The afternoon nurse just came in, and said there's not a chance of leaving today despite me being voluntary. He said I have to see the treating team first, which will in the morning, probably around 10am. Damn it. So I'm going to have to text her to cancel. It's the one thing in an otherwise crappy week that I was looking forward to.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor19 Nov 2017, 4:57 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911is there an option that maybe a mh worker could take you there and bring you back?

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor19 Nov 2017, 5:01 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander - no hun, that won't happen either. The two services aren't connected, so that would be wasting resources.

I hate being in this pickle where I reach out for help because I feel unsafe, then I get locked up for it. I wish that I could find a place that I could be safe & maintain my independence.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor19 Nov 2017, 5:07 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

oh well thats stupid @Sans911 i wish they would do that for you esp since it often helps you. lets hope your psych can reshedule it for this week as well. fingers crossed she will.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember19 Nov 2017, 5:09 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911I know it is a long shot, but could she come into the hospital and see you tomorrow morning?

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor19 Nov 2017, 5:23 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Former-Member - that would be lovely but no, she can't. She works at 2 sites during the week. I go to the one closest to my home.

Hopefully, she'll find another appointment for me even if I have to go to the other site later on the week.

My mh case manager just rang to check on me. I told her I was fine, even though I might not be but she just wanted to know if I was still in hospital or respite centre. She won't interfere/intervene in this hospital's decisions. So I'm stuck. No way out.

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