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**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 i am relieved to hear from you 💙 icant add much to what Nell said. You deserve all the support and love in the world and that includes the forums.
Please take care of yourself. I miss you too. Im stll sitting here with you. Forever and always 💜💜💜💜💜💜

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hi @Sans911 ..... thank you so much for checking in and letting us know what is happening for you ..... Have been missing you through my brain-fog and ping-pong AWST >> AEST ..... and have homework that is an uphill scramble at the mo .... but the point is that I have missed you regardless. Haven’t wanted to tag you much with the muddle-cloud over the forums at the mo, but have noticed your earlier input and figured you were standing back a bit. Another 24hours and you can go to respite ? Will be counting them down with you .....

Hi my @Teej ..... ot “branding” you Hon ..... just warms my heart to see whatever purple you are wearing pop up ..... and glad you are taking a breather to sort the tangles back out of the skipping rope before you’re up and going again. I hope it was okay in how you landed there. Hope those baby dragons are behaving. I have one kicking up, but not too badly ..... my big one is kicking up too, but for reasons that I think are headed in the right direction. Thinking very much of you .....

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Former-Member @outlander

Morning my angels. I'm not getting any help here in hospital, but I don't want to talk to the the nurses anyway. They have been nice enough, but I'm really over everything and exhausted. The only thing they're doing this time is giving me different medications to manage my anxiety & help me sleep. They offered me ads & I refused, as it was the same med I was on recently. The Dr did agree with what I was given before was a very low dose.

Unfortunately, more sleep doesn't make me feel any different or better. The noises here like banging doors, and other loud noises, really have me on edge. And still don't want to be around; that feeling is quite desperate.

How are you both going this morning? I'll be on for little bit before I go back to sleep or the phone needs recharging at the station.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Goodmorning sis 💜💜
I understand not wanting to talk to anyone. Im glad they are being nice to you though. Hospital noises keep me on edge too. No wonder your not relaxing and resting.

Im doing ok.could be better but thats life i suppose. Still trying to furniture hunt. Havent found anything for my room yet. Too busy finsing everyone elses stuff.

@Sans911

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Faith-and-Hope - thank you for your message. Apologies for not tagging you in some posts but yes, I'm holding back & staying out of forum stuff, as it seems there's a fair bit of discontent. This in itself is neither good or bad, it just is, and I'm glad people feel they can discuss issues of concern to them. What it does for some people like me is turn up my paranoid radars, which makes me think have I done stuff like that? Have I been disrespectful of others needs and feelings? I sure hope not. So staying away a bit is easier. And my MI is really doing a number in my head anyway. I'm hoping to go back to respite tommorow but it really depends on the Drs here, and whether the respite centre will have me back. I probably should have gone to the nurses with my SI, but I kinda did that with the lead nurse before he left, and he wasn't overly concerned. I'm just embarrassed a little, and feel like I let them down. So how could they trust me? I don't trust myself to maintain my safety any more. That makes me incredibly sad, as I know that if I could start to deal with the way I feel, I might find reasons to be around.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911good morning sweatie. Bummer to hear that it is not helping. Hopefully when you go back to the respite centre, you can get some help then. I know sleep doesn't make you feel better, but at least it is making the time go faster until you can return to respite.

I am ok, just exhausted and feeling crap. Don't think these new medds are working well.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911i feel that way too.

Have I said something wrong or posted in a thread tht I shouldn't have had. I have wanted to respond to things, but don't want to make someone upset or trigger them, so have not said anything at all.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Ive been watching some of the forum stuff but staying out of it. It seems to be one big muddle and too much to wrap my brain around. Complicated. Like you @Sans911 it makes me think if ive done things like that. Being insensitive.

I do hope it gets sorted for those mainly involved to once again bring peace to the forums @Faith-and-Hope the community mamagers are going to have abit on their hands when they return but i think their return in general will bring back the security blanket.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlanderI still can't get my mind off how the muddle started and don't think I will for a long time. I think pulling back is the best thing to do.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Yep i stick to the safe threads @Former-Member like here mine your thread and a few social threads. I wont stop interacting with those i really love and care about ❤❤
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Help us push aside the stigma and discrimination surrounding complex mental health and change the way people talk about, and care for, mental illness.

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Torres Strait Islander flag
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SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.

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