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Something’s not right

**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Bubbles3Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

At least some one rwad it before it was deleted @Queenie

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

I read it too @Bubbles3 ......

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Bubbles3Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Good @Faith-and-Hope

The more people the better.

Now im just waitinv for sane to call me back

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 good morning sis
Ive been reading along. I know your struggling alot please know that i and others here are happy to listen.
Hoping your ok today though i know theres no magic cure for thought abd feelings but i hope there's a bit of light in your day ❤❤

I respect your decision to see or not see your mh manager today ❤❤

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

I deliberately sabotaged my own sleep and it's my own doing for the nightmares that pervaded the few hours I did get. It's like I needed to validate my own pain & suffering by reading back on my past, and I got what I asked for. I realise now, however that I've probably had depression since I was very, very young & probably BPD in my teens. But whatever did I do apart from being born for my mother to heap her anger, guilt, shame and suffering onto me? I paid so dearly the price of that, and although our relationship is satisfactory now I still pay that price. I still choose to turn the sword inward. But what good would it do to hurt her now? Isn't my own hatred of myself enough, without hatred of her too? I was the one, though, that got the better life, that got the opportunities, that got better chances and choices. And yet I suffer from more than my siblings, who arent free from their own shackles of pain, yet don't carry the same level of inner loathing. I never asked for this life, nor do I want it anymore. I'm done carrying the burden of being born, I'm done carrying the burden of being different & difficult. I was always alone, always, and it seems I'll die alone at some point. I'm just done right now.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 No we don’t ask for this life or the things that happen on our journey. I wish that I could take your pain and suffering away because you deserve a life free from all of this. But you are NOT alone. You are surrounded by so many people on here that care about you. And I know it’s not the same as having those people in real life, but I hope you do take solace in knowing that you are loved here. So use this forum for that much needed support and love that you so truely deserve. Because you are worth it and you do matter. 💖💖💖💖

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

SaharaSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hi @Sans911,

I'm sorry to come so late to your discussion thread. I haven't had a chance to read it all. I hope you are ok, right now?

I'll be around this afternoon if you would like to talk more about it.

I had a 'difficult' mother, too. She was an extremely angry person who lashed out often and in an unpredictable way.... you never knew what was coming with her!

I think I have managed to forgive her now.... anyway, she died two years ago. I never raised any of the issues I had with her.... I doubt she would have understood, because she had no insight. I just let her be.... I suppose I realised that she was not deliberately malicious and that in her own way, she probably suffered more than me.

Can you forgive your Mum, @Sans911? it's ok if you can't right now.

Please write back and let us know you are ok.

S.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sahara, don't worry too much about me, these are ramblings of a tired, dejected mind. I'm not really ok but I just don't care right now.

My mother is a bit like yours was, and I'm sorry you never got to reconcile your differences.

My mother signed me over as a state ward when I was 7 years old. It was the best and worst decision she ever made. The welfare allowed continued contact because we both wanted it. However, we on the many occasions she was angry with me, she reminded me if the privileges I had, the sacrifices she made, and how much she was still suffering because of me. She blamed a relationship breakdown on me instead of other failings.

We've had many ups & downs in our relationship, and I have forgiven her in person. Our relationship now is not bad, but I had to make many compromises (and still do). But she is never going to be the mother I desperately wanted her to be, and although she loves and cares for me, she has no idea of the things I hide from her (like much of my MI, the multiple SA) and that I feel so much raw pain from questions that I will never have the answers too.

My mother suffered much trauma, abuse, and early responsibilities, possibly more than myself also, so much of my time is spent protecting her from my own suffering. So like yours I realise many of her own behaviours are as a result of these, and probably not deliberate.

My past is so complex that even now my memories are few and far between and the traumas & abuse I've suffered I can no longer distinguish what was real & what perhaps my mind is embellishing. I continued into my adult years being bullied and rejected. Right now I have no more confidence in a better life; my depression has won and I've given in to trying to dig myself out.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

♥️ @Sans911 ....

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911you may not care right now and completly understand that, but you do need to know that we care about you. Big hugs hun

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