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**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Will keep a watch out for the second one. Seen the one with jasper @Sans911 might be cause im on my phone..

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Can see first pic again. Weird
Waiting on the second pic

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Still waiting on second pic @Sans911 do you still want to continue on this thread with your pics for tonight?

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Awe second pics up hea cute too. Yes he does look small in this pic

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlanderI can stay here tonight. Will move to other thread tommorow. Not sure yet whether this thread is entirely finished & done; Ive returned here before. I want to try to move on now if I can. I really have had enough of everything that I have been through. And as my GP pointed out today, one more hospital admission may close the door on my nursing career entirely. I'm just going to take my night meds (and morning ones cause I forgot) so I will be awake for about another 45mins or so.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

You can still use both threads @Sans911 depending on how your feeling or what you want to talk about.
I guess the best thing to move forward is to not look back, take each day as it comes ans keep adding positive things into your life.
Lets hope for no more hospital admissions. Do you mind me asking if respite counts as an admission? Im thinking not really but could be wrong there.... in my opinion it shouldnt be.
I am not surprised your over everything but you worthy of all the wonderful things in life too. I think your on the right track. Stumbles and falls are always going to happen but i like what you said yesterday about being in control of your actions. Keep learning and practicing those skills youve learnt. Youve taught me alot already and finding it really helpful. Im alway more than happy to run through an exercise to help you cope and manage too like walk through the steps as you do for me.

Dont feel obligated to answer this but have you considered volunterring at the hospital? Im not really sure of what to do but have heard you can do volunteer stuff to or perhaps working even one day a week at somewhere abit quieter like a respite centre or different ward besides the ed?

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and SI

The respite stays I have are not admissions in the true sense, as the idea of it is toould avert crisis or SH/SA admissions@outlander. Although it is attached to a nearby hospital which has a mental health unit.I can also call the respite centre when I am not even staying there- I usually get the head nurse- and chat about any difficulties I am having and need to talk them out. I can call anytime day or night really. Most of the regular staff know me even if I don't know them.

I could volunteer at one of the hospitals, however, I am already dealing with grief over the loss of potentially never being able to work in acute settings either temporarily or permanently. This would further compound those feelings of loss. I have discussed with my GP going back to work in the emergency department just one shift a week (about 6hours)and only looking after a scheduled mental health patient requiring one to one nursing. These patients are often a danger to themselves or others and must be watched constantly at the bedside, even if they are sleeping. So it's often not physically or mentally challenging, however, there have been many occasions patients become abusive and I have had trays and other things thrown at me. I just step away and let security deal with them, which isn't nice, but necessary.

The places where I have received good care like the respite centre I couldn't work there as they have records on me so it's a conflict of interest.

Teaching you exercises helps me remember the skills I have learnt and reinforces the fact they do work when practiced regularly. I have always liked teaching people things, be it student nurses or just anyone else. I am glad you find them benefical @outlander

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

I'm going to log out lil Sis. I'm being pulled into sleep. Thank you for being here tonight ❤️💜❤️💜

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Thats good about respite not being counted as an admission. I know it helps you and it seems like a good resource to have when you need it @Sans911
That sounds good about the idea of one-one nursing but when your ready or feel you can. That sounds scary brave woman you are!! . It was just a thought anyways as i know thats what you love to do and how much your hurting not being able to. Im sorry if i upset you bringing that up too.

Well your more than welcome to keep teaching me anything you like and im very grateful for that too. Learning is one of my favourite things. Im signing up for that course i wanted to do in may the human anatomy one.
Here for you anytime too ❤

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Goodnight sis @Sans911 sleep well ❤❤
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