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Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor15 July 2017, 1:02 am AEST

Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

2548 replies

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember07 Mar 2018, 11:44 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

i sorry things are really hard at the moment @Sans911 - i wish so much that things could be easier for so many people here who are struggling so much...
Hello @outlander , feeling the same for you too, take care of you both

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor07 Mar 2018, 11:48 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

So proud of you @Sans911 very well done i will always be here for you 💜💙

Hi @Former-Member hugs for you too ❤❤

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor07 Mar 2018, 11:50 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hi there @Former-Member. I know your struggles have continued for a long time, and don't know if you are aware but I care a great deal about you. But I hold back from overwhelming you as I know you have your 'established' supports here. Thank you for stopping by. ❤️💜

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor07 Mar 2018, 11:53 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 randomn thought as it popped up elsewhere have you tried the baking soda trick on whatever it was your cat peed on? Apparently gets rid of odours well

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor07 Mar 2018, 11:58 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Haha @outlander - yes I have. Did it in my house mate's room. It's almost better. The rug has had the same but it's taking longer.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember07 Mar 2018, 11:59 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hi @Sans911
Thank you so much, it really helps to hear that you do and acknowledgement of me existing and 'being' here...
its sort of interesting to hear you say that i have established supports here, where to be honest i don't feel like i fit here with anyone specifically anymore or any of the 'groups' that are here. There are a few members who i have felt close to and who have responded to me when i'm being pathetically 'needy' but the closeness of that and groups that we had in times past is much more spread out across the forums and has changed so much (and the forums are so different from when they started in how it functions because of so many reasons) and i find it hard to have a home base anywhere... and i guess social/light stuff really isnt what im good at where the relationships seem to be built (sorry)... not wanting to draw you into a conversation about it tongiht at all, because i know you're struggling, just needed to respond to that and find it interesting how its perceived from outside. sorry rant over, and heading to bed so please dont feel any need to reply tonight, hugs!

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor08 Mar 2018, 12:01 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Haha @Sans911 already ahead of me 😜

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor08 Mar 2018, 12:29 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Oh @Former-Member you are a lovely person from what I know of you. I guess what I meant was what you pretty much said, that you have members who are close to, which is why I used the word established in commas. But I've noticed your withdrawal from the forum too, which makes me sad because your contributions are valuable and appreciated (and I'm sure it's not just me that notices). But yes, the forums have changed, even in my short time here & from what I have heard from yourself & other members.

You aren't 'pathetically needy' @Former-Member & it makes me feel sad to hear you talk about yourself like that. Your needs are so important and you are so important. Relationships are built here in so many ways and for all sorts of reasons, not because of being able to interact in social or fun ways. That's not possible or necessary, particularly if everyday is a struggle.

Everyone has something to contribute here in whatever state they are in. You've no need to be sorry & if anything I said in my last post has caused you hurt, I apologise.

Please drop by and say hello anytime. Likes are hello too. And if you need support, regardless of whether I'm struggling or not I'm happy to talk to you. Helping someone else, just listening to their concerns, needs or worries even when I'm struggling helps create a distraction for me, and makes my issues feel less. Please take care Lisajane; you matter more than you give yourself credit for.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember08 Mar 2018, 8:11 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Thank you @Sans911 🙂 no, i wasnt at all upset or offended, more just interested and curious. For me I know that often the voice of my depression/anxieties/feears gets louder sometimes and colours my vision of whats around me and i try to be mindful of that but i dont know how much my worries and feelings/reactions to things that happen are 'real' or im just perceiving them that way. i dont know, im just tired of struggling. Im still quite active around the forums but i work and have so much on with my kids that im very time poor, which also makes it hard to keep up and compounds my feelings of not being able to fit in.
Also wanted to say that i dont feel the forums have changed for better or worse, its just a natural evolution. There were elements of the forums that i enjoyed because they were smaller... but there are so many benefits of how its grown now and the number of people that are reached and supported. Hugs and thanks again, i really hope today is a better day for you @Sans911 . We are lucky to have you on the forums and give so much.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor08 Mar 2018, 9:36 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Morning sis @Sans911 💜

Morning @Former-Member and everyone ❤

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