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Something’s not right

Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor15 July 2017, 1:02 am AEST

Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember22 Feb 2018, 12:52 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

And night @Sans911 still up high as a kite with anxiety. Hope you have a better night.🙅

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor22 Feb 2018, 9:17 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Good morning @outlander @Snowie @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Shaz51

Did any one ha ever a decent sleep? Little Jasper slept or next to me overnight. Bliss. The two fur babies have touched noses a few times. Not best friends yet, but less hissing and low growling from the older cat now. I think they'll be fine in a little while.

I've got my GP appt today. And a BBQ with my local Neami mh people.

I hope there's a little bit of pleasantness in your day.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember22 Feb 2018, 9:19 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hi @Sans911, hope your day is better than mine.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor22 Feb 2018, 9:21 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hi @Sans911 ......

Threw a load of washing and the machine, and me through the shower, and I’m out for coffee now.

Glad to see the felines and considering a friendship ..... or respectful co-existence at least ......

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor22 Feb 2018, 9:21 am AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Aww so cute @Sans911 im sure they will be best friends soon enough.
I hope your appt goes well and you enjoy the bbq..

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor22 Feb 2018, 2:55 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander @Snowie @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Bunniekins

The boy cats are now almost friends! Thank goodness for that. Jasper is curled up by my leg asleep. They have been chasing each other.

I'm just home briefly in between GP & BBQ. Leaving in about 10-15mins. GP made my cry after talking about pyschologist issues with her. I'm feeling a bit emotional today after another support I've had for over a year leaves soon as I get discharged from yet another service. I've been referred to another organisation for an individual mh support worker. I'm having good an assessment I have 2 weeks. People tell that's part if life that people come and go, but for me it's really hard.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember22 Feb 2018, 2:58 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Glad your cats are starting to like each other.I know Sans911,you put so much trust in someone, it's hard to get that rapport with someone else.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember22 Feb 2018, 3:41 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 above. Alone in a cinema and forgot the @.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

SnowieSenior Contributor22 Feb 2018, 3:45 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911glad they are almost freinds now.

It is hard when people we trust and confide in leave, and others come. Keep having t build that trust up again and again.

Hope you have a good time at the BBQ.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

BunniekinsSenior Contributor22 Feb 2018, 6:13 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Former-Member What movie did you see?

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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

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