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Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor15 July 2017, 1:02 am AEST

Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

2548 replies

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor27 Oct 2017, 6:11 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

I know my mh case manager was just trying to make light of a serious situation, but it was quite an insensitive thing to say under the circumstances. I've been told over and over how useless my attempts are, and that I'm not meant to die yet. This is quite unhelpful as well.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

TeejSenior Contributor27 Oct 2017, 6:22 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

I'm sorry they weren't that helpful @Sans911 and definitely not thoughtful of you or what you might be going through. For a while I struggled much more when I got home. The best thing that I found was some info on a website (I think suicide call back) that talked about what to do after an attempt. At that time it was the first real help I'd had. Our system is so punitive for us that are in the system with BPD and many attempts. It's finally losing that puinitiveness for me. The policy when I first entered the system was that you weren't allowed to talk to your case manager or anyone within 48 hrs of Sh or an attempt. It was like a punishment. Somehow they equated that as attention getting. Things have changed a fair bit since then. SANE has been my real saviour though.
I totally understand not responding just now. Please don't respond for my benefit, just if it helps you. Thinking of you 💜🤗💐

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember27 Oct 2017, 6:31 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911Firstly thankyou for letting us have an insight into what happened. I am sure it is not easy for you to do and you have shown great courage in doing that. I know you want answers to your questions yet I am not sure if I am the right one to answer them.

What I can offer you is my support as you find you way through this. I will always be here to listen to you and support you in anyway possible. Becasue you are WORTH IT and you do deserve a better life than this. My heart and hugs go out to you and I will always be by your side. ❤❤❤

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor27 Oct 2017, 6:39 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Former-Member you have your struggles with SI/SH, but you keep it fairly close to your chest. And that's ok. I just want to feel less alone with my experiences and gain some understanding of them. I know I'm not the only who goes through this stuff. But people don't talk about it much for the reasons I said earlier. I don't want anyone pressured onto sharing if they don't want, but I value each story that I get. It's now like my little treasure chest of stories of courage and hope that I can look into sometimes and say to myself 'I'm not the only one '

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor27 Oct 2017, 6:40 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 ill write more when i can ❤❤

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

frogSenior Contributor27 Oct 2017, 6:53 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Oh @Sans911 your case manager is so wrong. You are worth whatever it takes and you are valued here. I'll hold your hand if it helps.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember27 Oct 2017, 6:54 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911No you are not the only one and you should not have to feel alone in those struggles and I hope by reaching out on here that you will be able to find some comfort in other peoples words. You are right that alot of people do not talk about it, and the stigma associated with suicide.

I hope you are getting the professional help you truely deserve but I doubt that is the case. But I will keep telling you that you are worth fighting for. ❤❤❤

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

TeejSenior Contributor27 Oct 2017, 7:40 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Hi @Sans911. I think I owe you an apology for my last post. I was possibly just as insensitive as your case manager. I think I felt the anger and hurt at the system and posted on those emotions rather on what you are going through right now. I'm really sorry for that. I have been a quiet long term fan of yours on the forum. I think you are so gentle and caring and have so much to give but most of all I see an amazing person worth fighting for. I just wanted you to know that. Please be gentle with you. It is really hard emotionally right now but I hope you remember you are worth the fight. I know you have lots of beautiful support here. Let them put their arms around you until it's ok enough again. 💜🤗💐

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor27 Oct 2017, 7:59 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

I think you presented hope in your post @Teej .... that @Sans911 will learn to navigate and support her own care within the system .... that everyone gets blindsided by how impersonal it can be initially, but relationships can grow and improve within the experiences if you can just hold on and keep fighting for you ..... and know that you are worth fighting for .....

I am hearing this from all of you, and I hope @Sans911 can hear it too .....

Does checking in here help ?

What helps with the emotional bruising ?

Sitting together with you @Sans911

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor27 Oct 2017, 7:59 pm AEDT

Re: Trigger warning Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Teej please take back your apology. You were being real, and I appreciated that more than you'll ever know. If we can't be honest, vulnerable and real, how do we ever grow? I loved your post and I will respond in a thoughtful, considerate manner that it deserves. I was just so fkn rocked by my mh case manager's flippant and insensitive remark that I completely lost it. I rarely cry over anything, but I did over that remark because it cut to where it hurt the most. It made me feel so insignificant and small.

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