**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

My "like" was "I hear you" @Sans911 .....

I haven't had SI challenges personally, but I now know a lot of (wonderful) people who do .... so I can tell you that you are definitely not alone in this. I would rather those with the lived experience speak up in support of the way you are feeling, but. I will sit here with you nonetheless, hopefully to comfort you a little with company.

Gentle hugs Sans911 ..... 💜

It's my honour @Sans911 .... some of the most wonderfully supportive people here to me this last 18 months have struggles with mi. I don't know where I would be right now if I hadn't felt their loving concern in my strange circumstances.

💜💐💕

That was supposed to be "struggles with si" @Sans911 .... brain a bit foggy ... :face_with_rolling_eyes:😏

Yes @Sans911 I have felt like this for many months now. I have had 2 serious attempts in that time - both times I failed. I do see it as yet another failure on top of all my other failures. There have been 2 things that have kept my head above water when I have felt myself drowning - my fur babies and the forum. Without the unwavering friendship and support of members on here, and the amazing support of several moderators, I have no doubt at all that I would not still be here. I am in a different place than I was even a few weeks ago but the thoughts are with me constantly. As you already know - the nights are the worst and that is when I get stuck in the mindset that nothing will change and the best thing I can do is to 'leave'. I have been on and off the forum over the last few weeks - disconnecting myself in a way - because I have run out of energy to 'talk' about how I am really doing and also, in a way, putting some distance between myself and others on here so if it comes to the point where I can no longer 'fight' my way through each day (and night) then it will be easier to finally 'go'.

I definitely do not have any answers @Sans911 - for you or for me. The constant pain, the feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, the flashbacks, the nightmares, being physically unwelll for so long, all the things in my life breaking down, not working, not being able to do anything, constant triggers and struggling financially - I don't know how I am still here - but I am. Late last week when my heat pump 'died' was the final straw - and I did begin to carry out a 'plan' - I didn't completely go through with it - not from not wanting to, but because I was so exhausted and in so much pain that I literally layed down where I was standing and 'passed out'. I woke up on the floor, wrapped in my doona that had become my substitute heater, and cried for hours. I did not have the energy or will to move - so I stayed there. I eventually made it to the couch but all I wanted to do was finish my plan! My mind was telling me one thing but my body would not move to assist - so I am still here! I don't want to be but I want things to change - so I suppose that is what we need to hold onto - if we want things to change then maybe there is still some hope

@Sans911 I'll say the same to you as I say to anyone - your struggles are no more nor no less than mine - only different. Whatever it is we are all 'going through' or have been through is as valid and as real as anyone else. What unites us here is not our differences but our similarities! We all struggle with our MH in some capacity, we are all searching for respite from our 'lives', we all understand that MH is an area that is difficult to talk about with people that do not understand or have not lived it, and we all take solace from knowing that we are not alone in our struggles. That aside - we can also feel like none of that is enough as our own pain often becomes too great and we want it to end by 'whatever means necessary'.

I also know that what I have endured over so many years and in very different ways has shaped who I am as a person - the good and the bad. Who would I be without these 'experiences'? Would I be someone completely different - I dont know. I know that I wish everything that has happened to me had not and it still may come to past that all the pain, the betrayal, the hurt will finally 'take me' but I don't know - I just don't know! The scariest thing about 'not knowing' is that I am stuck in this constant living nightmare, not seeing much hope that it will ever change but continuing to exist each day nevertheless. I do not know how I get through some days, and I definitely do not know how I get through the nights! I do feel I am living on borrowed time but maybe, just maybe, I can own that time again one day and begin to move forward - I don't know!