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**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911you always worry me when you go quiet because I know what normally happens after so was super glad you could reach out. However, I know how hard that is. It is hard to open up about things and somtimes I think all we need is that validation and someone to say I have heard you, what you say is valid and important, and I am here with you.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Former-Member - thank you. I'm just having a coffee at my favourite coffee shop, and there is a woman shouting at the top of her voice to no one in particular. One of the staff have just sat with her for a minute so she's quietened down. Quite sad really when you think how many will judge her & they don't even know her.

I wish you, @outlander @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope @Zoe7 @Bunniekins were all here having something to drink, exchanged real hugs, laughing at silly things we've done and just generally enjoying each other's company.

I've had my shoulder xray and ultrasound, and they found a bursitis as well as small tear. So I went on a to have a steroid injection into the shoulder. It's a bit uncomfortable and but more a dull ache than anything else. So moving furniture around & hanging out the washing is out for a few days as I need to limit movement of the shoulder joint for a few days so that the steroid injection can stay localised.

How is your day going (that applies to everyone who wants to answer. No obligation to reply.)

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Yes unfortunately alot of people are judgemental @Sans911 id love to come have a coffee with you.
Thats not great news but good its only achy now, hopefully you wont need anymore now for a while.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Just having an iced coffee @Sans911 ..... cos I have had an amethyst crash and still have half a day to get through.

Would love to be there with you ..... cyber hugs will have to do .....

💜💜💜

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

CatcakesSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Very brave @Sans911. Hope the injection helps your shoulder pain.
What is an amethyst crash @Faith-and-Hope?
I’ve just had a win.... I was working my way through a basket of ironing and discovered the bottom half is folded items ready to go away 👍🏼😊

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Ohh @Sans911 don’t tempt me like that, will but a ticket😁

would be lovely to do that but maybe we can improvise and all have a drink on here at the same time one day!!

Glad you had the steroid injection, hopefully that helps with your shoulder. Hopefully you listen to nurse Sans and take it easy.

Day is going ok. Vacuumed and moped that whole house which very much needed it so that was good. Brain is still fried from the two unhelpful phone calls yesterday so just trying to stay busy today. Almost pick up time for school here, go get some milk and bread, pick Izzy up from the vet and then cook tea😏 phew then sit down and relax😁

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Catcakes - you can join us too. Yes I agree @Former-Member; we could tee up a virtual coffee meeting at the same time. Now that would be interesting!

I'm now in my local library across the road from the Cafe. Stocking up on books and DVDs to watch while resting up. I'm not a very patient patient though and by tomorrow afternoon I'll probably be getting restless to do something. I've got to get my washing off the line later one handed!

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

how are you going to carry all those books and dvds @Sans911 why dont you move into the library for a few days instead lol

can your housemate get your clothes off the line for you?

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

CatcakesSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

You could borrow @Faith-and-Hope’s shopping buggy that she used to get her painting gear home from the shops @Sans911
@outlander 😊

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Shaz51Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

love to come have a coffee with you. @Sans911

can I join you @Faith-and-Hope, @Catcakes, @outlander, @Former-Member

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