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**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope 💕❤


Oh @Sans911 hmm thats strange. People must be asking alot for crappy cars! I hope the insurance money will cover a good enough car for you and when your ready too. .

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

I will be flitting about the place @Sans911 ..... feeling wobbly, but that is to be expected ..... feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me, but I could see it coming, and I am going to trust that I will be standing on a new one soon enough.

All the best with car hunting.

I am going looking for a foot massage.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander-not really. The cheapest car was $250. It's just that the auctioneer can only go to a certain value and if no one is interested in buying, he can't exactly give the car away right? Not sure if you've been to an auction, but most auctioneers go down to a certain value. If that doesn't raise someone's hand then they pull that item out of the auction and try to sell it another time. There was a car exactly the same as mine last night, except it was a year older, about the same kms, hardly a scratch. It went for $2000 less my car that I bought at the same auction 2years ago. So nice cars were sold really cheap.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

I went to a horse auction quite a few yrs ago before i was aware of much more just went to look at the horses with someone else kinda thing @Sans911
Oh thats good! Good pricing!

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 do you have any plans for today

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@outlander - just at GPs surgery right now for my weekly appointment/check in. She's not going to be happy with what I did on the weekend. But I hold the mental health hospital responsibke for that when they discharged me too early. Then down to Centrelink. I plan a quiet afternoon with a bit of housework to take off, but that's about all.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

good luck with your appointment, let me now how you go

a nice quiet afternoon sounds good @Sans911

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

GP wasn't impressed as I thought. More dissapointed that I'm being being much more unsafe with no consideration to reach out for help. She actually knew what had happened before I told her as she received a message on Sunday. We discussed strategies to remain safe this weekend and into next week despite me feeling ok and safe today she's well aware from the last few weeks that my impulsivity switch is being triggered too easily.

In all that time I forget to remind her to print out the reports I needed for Centrelink. So I've rung the surgery back and the ladies on reception will try to get her to do them today. The sooner I get my appeal in for Disability Support Pension the better otherwise they may force more into looking for work or training. I can't cope with these things two things at the moment, even though I would like to. My focus right now is remaining stable and started therapy. Both of those will take some time.

I'm a little sad & not so ok this afternoon. I just read my discharge report from being in hospital a couple of weeks ago. I was in such a bad state that it makes me really sad I went down to that level. I really didn't care about anything including my life. Not a pleasant reflection at all. But I'm trying to take from it that I'm still here, and hoping eventually I find a purpose and reason to carry on. Tears are very close right now.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 💜💙💜💙💜💙💜

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Your not in that state now. Leave that in the past and keep moving foward sis. You have 2 goals in mind and a psychologist appt coming up with someone new @Sans911 let the tears flow if you need too. Sitting with you and offering warm lil sis hugs ❤❤
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