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**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

**Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Apologies for this long, ranting post, but I have to get it out of my head. I don't care if you read it or not.

For weeks now, I felt so incredibly overwhelmed with sadness; on the edge of tears constantly that never get released. I'm back on medication for depression which doesn't seem to be working after 3 weeks.

Nothing brings much satisfaction anymore, not even my job, which was one thing I had to hold onto to keep me going. And after yet another impulsive attempt and a trip to hospital last weekend, where I also take shifts, my professional conduct & capacity is being questioned by other staff and departmental managers. I don't blame them; I would probably feel the same way.

My SI is actually an acceptable 'coping mechanism' for my BPD when life gets to much, and I need to shut down. But now it's become a burden and problematic because of how often I've presented to hospital in the last 6months. Often if I feel 'safe' enough, I stay home and sleep it off. So now, after feeling like I've burdened health services to the point of annoyance, I feel like I have go ahead and made a proper effort because I deserve to be punished for that. I can't 'urge surf' these SI/SA thoughts anymore. I feel compelled to put them into proper action. Now that I have made that decision, I am scared, that if I really intend to go through with it, there's no coming back, no tommorows.

Why do I now suddenly care so much about dying, when I never did before with any other major attempts? I don't really know, but it's got me really rattled how stuck my mind is on making it work. I guess maybe I want to stick around for a bit longer. But this feeling of hopelessness is all consuming and strong.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to turn to anymore, as the support services have heard it all before, so nothing they suggest helps. Not even my loved DBT skills help. How do you keep going when nothing helps, loved ones can't reach you, and it's just takes so long to feel any bit of right?

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In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Former-Member - evening sweetheart. My mother has taken me away overnight to a beautiful bed & breakfast in the Perth Hills. It has a lovely room & gardens which we are having afternoon tea sitting outside. We're going to the local pub for dinner in an hour or so. I felt very spoilt. I haven't told mum I'll be in hospital for the weekend. She'll be interstate so she doesn't need to know.

My GP is satisfied with me going to hospital if it means I'm safe. Somehow I have to find a way to cope when I feel abandoned, cause right now I fall to peices every time.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911that sounds lovely and you deserve to be spoilt and valued like that.

I think sometimes the less people know the better. Much easier than explaining things. I think you are very courageous for taking that step to make sure you are safe this weekend nd recognising that you need that extra support. It is so hard sometimes to admit that. I am super proud of you and you should be proud of yourself

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 you deserve a good night away ❤

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Lovely to hear that you are being spoilt for a bit @Sans911 .... and I am glad you have booked yourself in for extra support.

💜

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911hope you had a good night sweetie and got some sleep

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Former-Member I just responded on your thread hun

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Former-Member @outlander

I've just seen the head pdoc here for a review. I've seen him earlier in the year, and I like him quite a bit. Thank goodness I didn't have to go into detail about why I felt the need to be here. My regular pdoc wrote a detailed handover for him. And he didn't make me feel stupid when I said I thought my risk has probably lessened, but I wanted to continue to feel safe. The first thing he said to me was that was I was still alive, so he was a little surprised, but pleased that I got through some really trying months.

So feeling a little emotional right now, but my mood hasn't plummeted, just hate that even when I start to feel better, there's still raw emotions just under the surface. I still have such a long way to go to be anywhere near 'better'.

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Unknown userMember

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Sans911 glad u saw the pdoc and didnt have to go into details again. Well i am glad you are still alive too. The pdoc must have thought you were bad last time for him to be surprised now.
Feeling emotional is understandable. You are ina room by yourself so cry away if need be. I can sit with you. Got nothing planned for the day 💜💜💜

In response to: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

Sans911Senior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

@Former-Member thanks hun. Well, considering the number of ODs I've had, I think I'm surprised as well I'm still alive. I've definitely got more than nine lives. I have contemplated other SA means, which is why I'm here this weekend. There have been definite times I don't want to live, but more times I want to shut off or forget. I'm not going to talk about this more though, because I know how much you are possibly in this space, and I don't want to trigger you. I'm sorry if I have.

In response to: Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: **Trigger warning** Stuck in world of sadness and Suicidal Ideation

im glad your seen your pdoc and that things are ok. emotional is ok your allowed to be @Sans911 im glad you didnt have to do into details and he was understanding. im very glad your alive too!!

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